A number is a number, except when it isn't.
I'm about to discuss weight and perception issues in this post, so feel free to scroll past if that isn't your cup of tea.
My weight is at an all time high right now. The last time I weighed this much I was full term with Bree. It hasn't bothered me very much it terms of my looks. My problem is buying new clothes. I had been stable at the mid 160's and a size twelve for years, Now I've tipped over the 170 mark and I'm inching over to the next size up and I can't bring myself to do it. I know that it's just a number on a piece of clothing but accepting that I need a size 14 for something tailored like button up dresses and some dress pants just isn't acceptable to me. I'm stuck. Life is a whirlwind and very stressful right now so maintaining a healthier life style seems like one more chore. But wearing a size 14 seems to be a mental cutoff for me. I'm trying to accept myself as I am but I know in the back of my head I have my mother's obesity lurking about, taunting me. That size 14 seems like a judgment and a challenge. The day I was trying on clothes I put a size 12 dress that I really loved back on the rack because it was just slightly too tight but I didn't even look to see if there was a size 14 because in my eyes, that seemed like I was admitting defeat, letting my weight continue to rise instead of doing something about it. What I didn't do was take the size 12 home, to make it a goal, because we all know how that usually turns out. In any case, this almost size 12 but not yet ready to be size 14 gal is stuck at the body weight crossroads, uncertain where this will lead next. It's not just a number, it's a warning that my mother's size is just around the corner if I keep going at this rate and that is simply not acceptable to me. Given the current lack of energy and interest in much of anything, this is going to be quite a challenge for me. Do I learn to love the size 14 me or do I somehow find a weight lower on the scale that makes me feel more comfortable in my skin? This is not about how others perceive me, this is how I perceive myself. I realize that being the fit 140 I was once seems like a pipe dream but being than strong, somewhat muscular woman is who I am on the inside. I wish I could get the outside back to the point where it matched my inside view of myself.
My weight is at an all time high right now. The last time I weighed this much I was full term with Bree. It hasn't bothered me very much it terms of my looks. My problem is buying new clothes. I had been stable at the mid 160's and a size twelve for years, Now I've tipped over the 170 mark and I'm inching over to the next size up and I can't bring myself to do it. I know that it's just a number on a piece of clothing but accepting that I need a size 14 for something tailored like button up dresses and some dress pants just isn't acceptable to me. I'm stuck. Life is a whirlwind and very stressful right now so maintaining a healthier life style seems like one more chore. But wearing a size 14 seems to be a mental cutoff for me. I'm trying to accept myself as I am but I know in the back of my head I have my mother's obesity lurking about, taunting me. That size 14 seems like a judgment and a challenge. The day I was trying on clothes I put a size 12 dress that I really loved back on the rack because it was just slightly too tight but I didn't even look to see if there was a size 14 because in my eyes, that seemed like I was admitting defeat, letting my weight continue to rise instead of doing something about it. What I didn't do was take the size 12 home, to make it a goal, because we all know how that usually turns out. In any case, this almost size 12 but not yet ready to be size 14 gal is stuck at the body weight crossroads, uncertain where this will lead next. It's not just a number, it's a warning that my mother's size is just around the corner if I keep going at this rate and that is simply not acceptable to me. Given the current lack of energy and interest in much of anything, this is going to be quite a challenge for me. Do I learn to love the size 14 me or do I somehow find a weight lower on the scale that makes me feel more comfortable in my skin? This is not about how others perceive me, this is how I perceive myself. I realize that being the fit 140 I was once seems like a pipe dream but being than strong, somewhat muscular woman is who I am on the inside. I wish I could get the outside back to the point where it matched my inside view of myself.