random

[filthfetish]

 Im seriously trying to not have a shitty night. Im not going to t let him bring me down. im not going to dwell on situations that i can not change. I cant control everything, I cant control what other people do/say.  I wish I could just outwordly express how i feel. All I can do is write about it because im too afraid to tell the person(s) how i really feel.  I smile with a lie behind my lips. Everything isnt always okay, im not always happy..but everyone expects me to be. My image is cute, bubbly, outgoing and fun to be around. The moment I lack in any of those areas its as if im ruining everyones day. Sometimes I just get tired of pretending. Sorry I cant always be perfect.  Heaven forbid I dont come into a room smiling, why do I always have to be on?  My dad jim told me something when i was 17 and its stuck with me ever since, Don't give the world more then you can afford to give.  I somehow managed to stray from that saying. Im tearing myself into pieces trying to make everyone happy all the while neglecting myself.  I've spread myself too thin and now im starting to see the result of it all.  sometimes when im driving home from work I get so angry seeing couples together enjoying each others company.  Thats so lame, i dont want that to upset me.  It's just hard because i have so much to offer, I just want to make someone happy. I want to be someones reason for smiling.  I want something real. I want to touch taste and hear.
This is stupid.
Chris asked me why I started writing in lj again . Bc I know he doesnt know i have a lj and cant read what im writing. i dont want him to be able to get inside my heart ever again.