[and as we go drowning.]

[filmstarbeauty]

This was the end of the line.

Curled up in the bathroom stall, Blair Waldorf knew that better than she knew a lot of other things. It didn’t matter how many times she counted the marks in the tiles around her or how long she held her breath. It was over. Just like that.

Those days, that freedom it had been so wonderful, so strange and she didn’t

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[turnthebadinme]

Serena stood frozen outside, towel hugged against her, breath caught in her throat. There was no doubting what she'd heard, and though she hadn't made out the words, she knew that voice.

She'd worried these days would come back. Early on in their stay on the island, she'd worried a lot more, but things had seemed to be okay. She'd just wanted them to be okay.

It took a while to make up her mind what to do, whether to just wait or to confront Blair somewhere less public, but in the end, the only thing she was really sure about was that she needed to help. Now. Stepping cautiously forward, she rapped lightly against the door of the stall. "B?"

[filmstarbeauty]

White knuckling the toilet seat, Blair froze. A stranger and she could excuse this away: food poisoning or the flu. She'd drank too much the night before and a million other things.

Serena on the other hand. There was no way out of this. Knees hitting the tile she slumped, pressing her forehead to her forearm.

"S, go away, please," she whimpered.

[turnthebadinme]

"Let me in." Her voice twisted up at the end, turning it into a question as she leaned against the door. It was hard to know how long this had been going on - if it had started after the stress of the changes, if it had been happening this whole time. What kind of friend was she to miss this? Maybe it was what Blair wanted, but she wasn't going anywhere, not this time. "Blair, please. Open the door."

[filmstarbeauty]

Emphasizing her earlier point by staying put crossed her mind, but Blair was too exhausted to hold out a fight for much longer. Besides after all of this was done, this petty damage sown, what would be left for her?

Shuffling on her knees towards the door, she reached up and slide back the lock. Backing away, she pulled on the toilet paper roll, gathering it in her hand and trying to wipe her face clean.

[turnthebadinme]

It was two short steps into the stall, and then Serena sank down to the ground, knees tucked against her as she slipped her arms around Blair. "B, what happened?" She absently stroked Blair's hair as she spoke, pulling it gently back from her face. "I thought..."

She'd thought they were past this, but that clearly wasn't the case. It seemed like scolding to say so.

[filmstarbeauty]

Sinking back down next to the toilet, Blair pulled her knees to her chest. Twisting the bundle of toilet paper around her fist, she hiccupped. "I...didn't you see me? I had to. I didn't have a choice."

[turnthebadinme]

Fingers tangling lightly in Blair's hair, Serena just nodded. She didn't agree that was so, but it wasn't her job to judge now, only to listen and be there. "But it's over now, B," she murmured. "It's all okay again. No one's going to remember or care about all that. It's okay."

[filmstarbeauty]

"But I care." That was what mattered. People might not say their judgements out loud, but they were still thinking them. Blair couldn't control them, but she could control herself. Hiccuping slightly, she looked up from her hands. "I miss it, I miss that feeling. I want it back."

[turnthebadinme]

"I know." Serena understood that better than she cared to admit, less than she liked. It was hard to look at Blair and see her hurting and know she'd never completely get it, that maybe she couldn't really fix it. Reaching up, she brushed Blair's hair back again, pressing her hand briefly against her cheek. "I know, B. But not like this. You can stop, okay? I know you can. You did it before, you can do it again. We can get you help here, okay? We'll make it better."

[filmstarbeauty]

"Can I? Did I? I don't know." Her lip trembled and she knew that she looked disgusting. Like some sort of child on a Sally Struthers commercial and it was awful, but she felt awful. It wasn't any sort of excuse. "I made mess of things again. I slipped, how do I not let that happen again?"

[turnthebadinme]

Serena bit her lip, ducking her head a moment, giving it a shake. "You just keep trying," she said finally. "I know you. You can do anything." If there was anyone in the world who could accomplish the impossible through sheer will, it was Blair. Serena was as sure of that as she was of anything in life. "We can make an appointment with one of the therapists. B..." She hesitated, then sighed, reaching for Blair's hand. "You can always talk to me. I'm always here. We'll make it through this together."

[filmstarbeauty]

At that moment Blair's confidence was severely shaken. It had seemed so much easier to be carefree and worryfree. Holding onto that lightness had been wonderful and now all she had were the rituals and the pain. She didn't see anyway to get out of them. Sitll S seemed to believe in her and for her bestie, her sister, she'd give it a try. "We can make it through anything," she agreed, gripping Serena's hand. "Even if I have to talk to the questionably qualified."

[turnthebadinme]

"We'll get the best qualified help they have," Serena promised. She wouldn't want anything less for Blair. Nice as she was sure they all were, Blair needed the best if she was going to get anywhere. Leaning forward, she pressed a kiss to the top of Blair's head. "Just promise me you'll try." From now on, she'd just have to keep a closer watch on her and try to do better, too.

[filmstarbeauty]

The best qualified didn't mean the same thing here that it did in New York. At least not real New York, Manhattan where shrinks were as common as bagel venders.

"I promise," Blair said, resigning herself to fights with other people. "I'll be good."

[turnthebadinme]

That came as a relief. It was only chance that had let her catch Blair at it this time, Serena knew, and the idea that it might have gone on and on without her ever knowing was terrifying. If anything happened to Blair, she'd be lost, that she knew for a fact. "Okay," she murmured, hugging her. They'd find her help immediately. This time, Serena told herself, she'd do right. "I love you, B."

[filmstarbeauty]

Wrapping her arms around her best friend, Blair nodded into her shoulder. As bad as things felt right now, part of her was grateful that maybe they weren't going to stay that way.

"I love you too, S."