(no subject)
I am unsure what to say so i think i will type and see what comes out......life really is a rollercoaster ride. you go up and have high moments in life, then the coaster goes down the hill a bit and life becomes normal as can be, then the coaster can go all the way down where your life is down in the hole and wondering when you will have a normal life and go back to the high life for a few seconds.
A few years ago I had gotten into a car reck a few blocks from home...the car that hit me, went upside down and my car just swerved 360. i was yet again unharmed but my car was totaled. Later that same day I thought to my self God told me that he was not finished with me...he had other plans for me....not sure if they were great plans or what at this point in my life...But like everyone I have a full time job with odd hours as you well know. On top of having my job (now its going to sound like i am complaning its okay...i think we all get this way or will get this way at some point in our lives) I have turned into the role of a caregiver for my mom. Now I love her with all my heart. I take care of her all the time while home on weekends and try during the week while at work. (before anyone thinks this - no she does not want in home heath care or anything like that) but its tough taking care of her....we can go out to an event she has trouble walking...she has a walker...she does not use it in public, she's imbarrsed. She see's everyone walking without (young and other seniors) and say they dont need walkers...I will give her lots of credit she has not given up, shes young and can do anything she wants in her mind but when it comes to real life she is stubern and does not want to listen to rhym or reason and thinks she can walk well. but she needs my hand to walk and even then its not too good. Many times she tells me she see's these seniors walk and she is jelous...but its eather they have kept in shape there entire lives or they are younger then she is.
Even though on weekends I am very tired from work and I tend to sleep alot. I do not go out (if so its to the store to pick some food up) I do not go out with any friends..my older friends. I really do not have friends my own age to spend time with. Most people my age are married, or married with kids. I rarly go out to the theater anymore to see movies because they come home so fast these days also...and i have a really kick ass home theater system too! I hardly speak to anyone over the phone much these days also....But for the last few years I have become a caregiver and i feel is a very young age. I have taken the responsbility of it...some days its good and some days (like today) i am in a bad mood because of it...its like a big weight on my sholders and i want to releave some pain and i think writing this helps some what..... Now we are thining of going out of town for a while over the summer....sometimes its great sometimes as you know its not. Sometimes I play the caregiver more and let her have a good time while I am not having a good time...its not fair. Its also not fair that my mom has changed so much in the past few years, and shes not like what she use to be (body wise and yes even mind wise) What hurts and scares me is I am the only child. So I have to deal with this 24/7. I know that i have put my life on hold for the last few years to take care of her. it takes a toll on you emotionaly....I know that I am gifted and blessed to have my mom around and spending all this extra time with her is a blessing and I would not change a thing but its hard on you dropping your life (even though i really never did have much a social life to start with) on the sidelines and say okay this is your life now...try to enjoy it but deal with it the best you can.
Its just tough to feel like your the only one going thru this but I know that is untrue. many people are in my shoes and doing the best they can do each and every day. For people who are not in my shoes but who are married and or with kids...its going to be a rough ride.
I just wanted to jot some things down that's on my mind lately.
A few years ago I had gotten into a car reck a few blocks from home...the car that hit me, went upside down and my car just swerved 360. i was yet again unharmed but my car was totaled. Later that same day I thought to my self God told me that he was not finished with me...he had other plans for me....not sure if they were great plans or what at this point in my life...But like everyone I have a full time job with odd hours as you well know. On top of having my job (now its going to sound like i am complaning its okay...i think we all get this way or will get this way at some point in our lives) I have turned into the role of a caregiver for my mom. Now I love her with all my heart. I take care of her all the time while home on weekends and try during the week while at work. (before anyone thinks this - no she does not want in home heath care or anything like that) but its tough taking care of her....we can go out to an event she has trouble walking...she has a walker...she does not use it in public, she's imbarrsed. She see's everyone walking without (young and other seniors) and say they dont need walkers...I will give her lots of credit she has not given up, shes young and can do anything she wants in her mind but when it comes to real life she is stubern and does not want to listen to rhym or reason and thinks she can walk well. but she needs my hand to walk and even then its not too good. Many times she tells me she see's these seniors walk and she is jelous...but its eather they have kept in shape there entire lives or they are younger then she is.
Even though on weekends I am very tired from work and I tend to sleep alot. I do not go out (if so its to the store to pick some food up) I do not go out with any friends..my older friends. I really do not have friends my own age to spend time with. Most people my age are married, or married with kids. I rarly go out to the theater anymore to see movies because they come home so fast these days also...and i have a really kick ass home theater system too! I hardly speak to anyone over the phone much these days also....But for the last few years I have become a caregiver and i feel is a very young age. I have taken the responsbility of it...some days its good and some days (like today) i am in a bad mood because of it...its like a big weight on my sholders and i want to releave some pain and i think writing this helps some what..... Now we are thining of going out of town for a while over the summer....sometimes its great sometimes as you know its not. Sometimes I play the caregiver more and let her have a good time while I am not having a good time...its not fair. Its also not fair that my mom has changed so much in the past few years, and shes not like what she use to be (body wise and yes even mind wise) What hurts and scares me is I am the only child. So I have to deal with this 24/7. I know that i have put my life on hold for the last few years to take care of her. it takes a toll on you emotionaly....I know that I am gifted and blessed to have my mom around and spending all this extra time with her is a blessing and I would not change a thing but its hard on you dropping your life (even though i really never did have much a social life to start with) on the sidelines and say okay this is your life now...try to enjoy it but deal with it the best you can.
Its just tough to feel like your the only one going thru this but I know that is untrue. many people are in my shoes and doing the best they can do each and every day. For people who are not in my shoes but who are married and or with kids...its going to be a rough ride.
I just wanted to jot some things down that's on my mind lately.