on spiders and blood cells

[filmfuzz]

so...i don't know how i feel about life right now. for instance - i haven't been to class in three days (AGAIN). not like i didn't try to go...i actually got kick out of class today, but you know that is so discouraging, ESPECIALLY when you really go and you want to go, and you know that you HAVE to go, and you make the effort and you walk up that fucking hill and you get there and it's all for nothing. it's scary because that's where i feel my life is headed right now. i feel that it might all be for nothing. but i guess you could say that about everyone's life, that it's all for nothing, because really what is it? it's like if i go to class, and i put consciencious effort into everything i do and i succeed and i stop partying so much and stop making excuses for my behavior, that's great. what is it going to get me in the end? a good job, a nice place, maybe a good significant other. what does that say about a person? because really in a hundred years no one's going to know you existed. even if i had a fucking CHILD and they knew me (obviously), and then grandchildren maybe would know, but who else? everyone else would be dead, gone. i mean fuck this idea of transcendalism for a minute, this idea of a soul or heaven or this or that, and let's look at this thing. what is the point? to experience life, yes, because life i think is an amazing thing and just being alive is amazing, but when you die, then...what? it's like living living loving living BLAM you're dead and if there is nothing transcending then...i don't know it's like...doing something amazing but not being able to remember it, because really that's all we have. memories. memories in this eternal moment that IS life and it's like well wait a minute, what the fuck? and so you say well maybe there's a bigger picture to all this. yeah, maybe, and maybe we go to heaven or hell. but i really do think that there is a bigger picture. it's like the spider thing - a spider will know everything that goes on in its web, because web is spider's home and web is spider's world, but spider wouldn't be able to understand, say, a pencil tip that touches web, or the idea that person holds pencil. our world is just some big blur in the background. and beyond spiders, what about a blood cell? here's this white blood cell that is killing all these viruses in your body because that's what it does and that's all it knows, but it doesn't know it's in a blood stream in some vessel of which there are millions that all combine to make up an arm or a leg on a human being that's messing around with a spider web on a beach in a city in a country on a planet in a solar system in a galaxy in a cluster of galaxies in a universe. how would a blood cell know that? or a spider? or a fucking person?

what are we a part of that is larger than ourselves?