old habits and the like
I don't think I've written a "real" entry here in years, but tonight feels like I'm 18 again, somehow. Not just tonight, really. Recently, in general, I feel like I'm heading towards rock bottom, and I don't really know why. This is not how I imagined life to be at 24. Right now I really just want to sit with a stranger, someone that knows nothing about me or the people I'd be referencing, and pour my heart out. I can do it partially here, but once things are in writing, they somehow become real to me. I'm just not happy-not depressed, exactly. I don't have things too bad, but I just feel alone, and I really hesitate to even type that because it sounds so melodramatic. I shouldn't really even care because chances are no one will really see this. This summer was kind of the peak of me just feeling like I'm going to end up with no one. The majority of my friends are married now, or headed there relatively soon. I don't know why that seems so incomprehensible to me, but early 20s seems so young for that. Even the people I always kind of knew I could lean on are dwindling by the second. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend doesn't even really like me as a person most of the time, and I'm baffled why he keeps me around. He's a very unhappy person too. Pat was always a great friend, but now he has a girlfriend that, really, I assume he will marry. R.J.'s been married for a couple years, to the girl he left me for, which still stings every now and again. Holly is newly in love-well, had her love returned, which is amazing and well past due, but I'm afraid she'll follow suit like the rest, because when you're that happy, why wouldn't you? Bryan stopped talking to me the week he got a girlfriend for reasons still unknown to me, and now, even though I think she's gone, so is our friendship. Emma meets guys pretty easily so her being alone won't be too long-lived, and if it is, it'll be by choice. She's so busy as is I can't take up too much of her time. Nate in general has been a shitty friend, and I feel bad saying that, but no holds barred, right? He moves back, and he's "gonna be celebate and not concern himself with women so he can get things on the straight and narrow, etc. etc." Tonight I found out he's still picking up sluts left and right, basically, yet we've seen each other maybe twice out of work since he's been back, which was May. He always says he'll call and we'll hang out, which isn't even brought on by me because I don't even bother asking anymore, and then nothing, but he can hang out with Craig who he's know for like 3 months several times a week. He even made plans with him tonight in front of me, when first thing this week he was like, let's do something this weekend. Today, no mention of it. Meanwhile, our waitress is obviously throwing herself at him completely unsolicited. I'm not saying I want drunk men or whatnot hitting on me-that's not the point of anything. It just made me feel so undesirable I can hardly handle it. I've never been the most attractive, or had a great body, etc., but I don't think I'm terrible looking. Yet no one ever even approaches me to give me the chance to say I'm taken. Meanwhile, Nate gets numbers without asking all the time. If I have to hear about how "the only hot chicks at work are so and so" again, I'm gonna fucking scream. Nate has a list of all the chicks he'd do from work, everyone under the sun is fucking in love with Kristen, and Nathalie gets hit on daily even with the engagement ring. What have I gotten? A few inappropriate old men that just stare at my chest if I'm wearing a sweater. I feel like telling them, "They're not that great, just another one of my shortcomings." For once in my life I'd like to be the girl that someone wants and knows they can't have. And yes, I realize how twisted an idea that is, but it would feel so go to feel fucking wanted for once. For someone to wait on me and hope I call them back, and get as upset as I do when plans don't go through. Except really, I don't think I could ever be that person even if there was a taker. I've always had this overwhelming desire to please others before myself, even as far back as elementary school. I don't know what has made me this way, and I don't know how to fix it, but I need to do something because I can't handle this for much longer. I know there's a problem when my only source of comfort most of the time is two dogs who I love like they were my children. I don't think I'm fit to even mother them...Here's hoping I wake up and this will all have subsided. Yeah, that's a nice thought...