(no subject)
I don't really know if what I'm doing is healthy...
this living in the past.
but, see
the thing is
it's not really a past that ever existed
I think I created it, and every time it starts to wear thin
It gets harder to accept.
I sound like I'm 15 again
and I really don't care.
I feel 15 again, kind of. Well, maybe like 19.
19 was pretty stressful for no real reason.
I keep getting this pit in my stomach, and I have no idea why. I'm restless. I can't sleep, food doesn't really interest me
which is a sure sign something is off.
I think I need a good cry. I'm not upset with anything, really, it's just therapeutic. I cry at shows and movies, but I should really try to cry for me.
If I try, the puppies come right over and start licking my face, which instantly ends the session.
I just want to go home, but I'm terrified that home doesn't really exist anymore. Not in the sense that I left it, at least. Things change, people change. I've changed, but I don't know if it's for the best. It's probably not. I've become selfish, and that's never really been me before. I don't know how to be my own number one. I'm starting to feed off others' emotions again, which is also terribly unhealthy. I try to tell myself it's good that I'm able to recognize all this stuff, but at the same time, I'm not doing anything to better it. Sometimes I think I could use therapy. I don't know what I'd be trying to fix, really. I'm sure there's plenty. For example, when I get a phone call, I'm always afraid at least for a fleeting moment that something bad has happened. I think I'm just afraid of things catching up to me. I don't think I'm a particularly bad person, but I'm not a particularly good one either, especially as of late. It seems like something would have to give one of these days. I really feel like talking to someone right now, but 1.)no one's around/online/etc. really, and 2.)I really don't have anything to say. I'm kind of out of sorts, and it would probably end in me confusing myself and anyone unfortunate enough to talk to me. I like being by myself, but at the same time, I'm terrified by it. I'm alone a lot here, but it's a different kind of alone. I only have one person here, and we often co-exist separately. I don't have anyone else to go to for anything. I'm afraid that'll happen at home too. Friends have drifted away over the years, both literally and figuratively. I really don't have that many left...3 or 4. With that few, they're bound to get tired of me quickly. If I'm like this all the time, it's pretty much guaranteed. I figured I'd write this in here because basically no one uses lj anymore, and it's easy enough to scroll past pointless rants. There is so much tension in my body right now...has been for quite awhile. I need a back/shoulder rub more than anything. Too bad that's not going to happen any time soon. To summarize: whine cry whine, whine cry cry whine. I'm like a really bad emo song without the rhyming. Hopefully I'll wake up refreshed and have the good sense to delete this and maybe write something of substance. Just maybe.
this living in the past.
but, see
the thing is
it's not really a past that ever existed
I think I created it, and every time it starts to wear thin
It gets harder to accept.
I sound like I'm 15 again
and I really don't care.
I feel 15 again, kind of. Well, maybe like 19.
19 was pretty stressful for no real reason.
I keep getting this pit in my stomach, and I have no idea why. I'm restless. I can't sleep, food doesn't really interest me
which is a sure sign something is off.
I think I need a good cry. I'm not upset with anything, really, it's just therapeutic. I cry at shows and movies, but I should really try to cry for me.
If I try, the puppies come right over and start licking my face, which instantly ends the session.
I just want to go home, but I'm terrified that home doesn't really exist anymore. Not in the sense that I left it, at least. Things change, people change. I've changed, but I don't know if it's for the best. It's probably not. I've become selfish, and that's never really been me before. I don't know how to be my own number one. I'm starting to feed off others' emotions again, which is also terribly unhealthy. I try to tell myself it's good that I'm able to recognize all this stuff, but at the same time, I'm not doing anything to better it. Sometimes I think I could use therapy. I don't know what I'd be trying to fix, really. I'm sure there's plenty. For example, when I get a phone call, I'm always afraid at least for a fleeting moment that something bad has happened. I think I'm just afraid of things catching up to me. I don't think I'm a particularly bad person, but I'm not a particularly good one either, especially as of late. It seems like something would have to give one of these days. I really feel like talking to someone right now, but 1.)no one's around/online/etc. really, and 2.)I really don't have anything to say. I'm kind of out of sorts, and it would probably end in me confusing myself and anyone unfortunate enough to talk to me. I like being by myself, but at the same time, I'm terrified by it. I'm alone a lot here, but it's a different kind of alone. I only have one person here, and we often co-exist separately. I don't have anyone else to go to for anything. I'm afraid that'll happen at home too. Friends have drifted away over the years, both literally and figuratively. I really don't have that many left...3 or 4. With that few, they're bound to get tired of me quickly. If I'm like this all the time, it's pretty much guaranteed. I figured I'd write this in here because basically no one uses lj anymore, and it's easy enough to scroll past pointless rants. There is so much tension in my body right now...has been for quite awhile. I need a back/shoulder rub more than anything. Too bad that's not going to happen any time soon. To summarize: whine cry whine, whine cry cry whine. I'm like a really bad emo song without the rhyming. Hopefully I'll wake up refreshed and have the good sense to delete this and maybe write something of substance. Just maybe.