The Power of Christ Impales You!
JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER
(2001)
THE FIRST TESTAMENT SAYS, "AN EYE FOR AN EYE"
THE SECOND TESTAMENT SAYS, "LOVE THEY NEIGHBOR"
THE THIRD TESTAMENT... KICKS ASS!!!!
If you're an average person, chances are you haven't even heard of Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, a Canadian B-movie in every sense of the term. Here's a film that was filmed in English, re-dubbed in bad English, purposefully shot to be grainy and muddy, and ridiculously acted with rudimentary props and special effects. Not only is Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter a chopsocky kung fu flick with vampires, it's also a musical, and a commentary on alternative sexual politics. Oh, and did I mention Jesus is joined in his vampire hunting crusade by a Mexican luchador named El Santos?
Also, the entire film is intermittenly narrated by someone who looks like Rasputin.
No, seriously.
So what's the whole deal with this film? Well, the basic premise is this: some Canadian vampires have found a way to walk in the sunlight by stealing the skins from lesbians (I know, I know, WTF?!, and there's more where that came from!). In desperation, several priests turn to their Lord and Savior to save the day and kick some undead ass. With the help of Mary Magnum and El Santos, Jesus tries to save the day, stop the vampires' mad plans, and spread his message of free love and forgiveness.
The music feels straight out of the seventies -- hell, most of the film feels incredibly dated. The acting is pretty darn ridiculous, and the dialogue is usually unintentionally laugh-out-loud hilarious. Some scenes will literally make you cringe, either due to the staggering amounts of wrongness or the shoddy special effects.
So why see the film at all? It's worth at least one viewing if only for the sheer oddness of it; in other words, it's worth seeing Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter to say to your friends, "Yeah, I've seen Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter." Also, it actually has a couple of scenes that are honestly funny, and you've got to give credit to anyone ballsy enough to risk condemnation from the Pope just to make a goofy kung-fun musical about Jesus and vampires.
On a scale of 1 to 10: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter manages to impale a 6.
And here, have the trailer on me!
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