Lonely
I know I'm doing the right thing,
I know my heart is in the right place.
I know my head is in the right place.
So why does it feel so bad?
I can't stand being alone. I want Aaron back so bad. But I don't want him. I just need somebody. And he's the closest that I've had to someone that I can rely on. I've spent so much time with him and I guess that I might have pushed my friends away while i was with him. I just had so much fun with him alone. I guess that's what they're going through. I can't stand being the fifth or seventh wheel. I don't feel like i should be allowed to hang with "the couples". Whenever we go out, i'm constantly reminded that i am with couples. Even though they don't say anything, I still notice the point where it goes from being friends hanging out to being them hanging out and me hanging around. And we never hang out as "just us girls" anymore. I know for a fact that when I was with Aaron I spent time with my girls. For fuck's sake, he thought "girl's night out" was code for cheating. And he thought I cheated a lot.
Never once, for the record.
Being in school, I'm doing the right thing. Everyone should be happy for me. But instead, I find that I'm losing my friends. So I put them off for homework. Does that mean that they shouldn't talk to me when I have time? I guess so. That's how it seems. I'm sorry I'm trying to do something better than Perkin's. I'm sorry I'm bettering myself while you are there getting pregnant, getting fucked up. I'm sorry I get really drunk when we go out. Why do you think I always want to light a fire pit at my house? Because I can control myself at home. I guess I'm too much responsibility to take out in public.
And I never smell like onion rings.
Just pancakes.
I absolutely hate this feeling. I keep fucking guys in the hopes that it will fill the void of being alone for the rest of the day. Today, I went to the beach. Don't get me wrong, it was wonderful, but all I saw was happy couples. I kept telling myself that the two towels laid out next to each other were two friends, but then I realized that I don't even have friends to call to go to the beach. How much does that suck.
I just wish I had someone like my friend Kristal, who would always go along with whatever plans I thought up. I wish I were still in Dallas. I wish everything was that easy. Back in those days, I thought I had it so hard. But truth is, it's like they say, those years are the best of your life. I would give anything to be back in high school. I had it so good then.
And yet I thought I had the world figured out. I thought I knew what I needed to do to make everything perfect.I figured that school would solve everything. Tomorrow, I'll graduate and then everything will be solved.
But that's not how it works, is? Things aren't that easy.
I try to do better in school, so I have "abandoned" my friends.
I'm trying to forge a healthy relationship with another guy, turns out he does coke.
I try to drink less, but I just end up drinking at homw. Alone. Is that really better? At least I don't have to worry about rumors getting started anymore. I'm *somewhat* in control of my drinking.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am prone to drink to excess. Why hasn't anyone said anything?
Where are my friends who are supposed to be setting up my intervention?
Dear god it's lonely being alone.
I know my heart is in the right place.
I know my head is in the right place.
So why does it feel so bad?
I can't stand being alone. I want Aaron back so bad. But I don't want him. I just need somebody. And he's the closest that I've had to someone that I can rely on. I've spent so much time with him and I guess that I might have pushed my friends away while i was with him. I just had so much fun with him alone. I guess that's what they're going through. I can't stand being the fifth or seventh wheel. I don't feel like i should be allowed to hang with "the couples". Whenever we go out, i'm constantly reminded that i am with couples. Even though they don't say anything, I still notice the point where it goes from being friends hanging out to being them hanging out and me hanging around. And we never hang out as "just us girls" anymore. I know for a fact that when I was with Aaron I spent time with my girls. For fuck's sake, he thought "girl's night out" was code for cheating. And he thought I cheated a lot.
Never once, for the record.
Being in school, I'm doing the right thing. Everyone should be happy for me. But instead, I find that I'm losing my friends. So I put them off for homework. Does that mean that they shouldn't talk to me when I have time? I guess so. That's how it seems. I'm sorry I'm trying to do something better than Perkin's. I'm sorry I'm bettering myself while you are there getting pregnant, getting fucked up. I'm sorry I get really drunk when we go out. Why do you think I always want to light a fire pit at my house? Because I can control myself at home. I guess I'm too much responsibility to take out in public.
And I never smell like onion rings.
Just pancakes.
I absolutely hate this feeling. I keep fucking guys in the hopes that it will fill the void of being alone for the rest of the day. Today, I went to the beach. Don't get me wrong, it was wonderful, but all I saw was happy couples. I kept telling myself that the two towels laid out next to each other were two friends, but then I realized that I don't even have friends to call to go to the beach. How much does that suck.
I just wish I had someone like my friend Kristal, who would always go along with whatever plans I thought up. I wish I were still in Dallas. I wish everything was that easy. Back in those days, I thought I had it so hard. But truth is, it's like they say, those years are the best of your life. I would give anything to be back in high school. I had it so good then.
And yet I thought I had the world figured out. I thought I knew what I needed to do to make everything perfect.I figured that school would solve everything. Tomorrow, I'll graduate and then everything will be solved.
But that's not how it works, is? Things aren't that easy.
I try to do better in school, so I have "abandoned" my friends.
I'm trying to forge a healthy relationship with another guy, turns out he does coke.
I try to drink less, but I just end up drinking at homw. Alone. Is that really better? At least I don't have to worry about rumors getting started anymore. I'm *somewhat* in control of my drinking.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am prone to drink to excess. Why hasn't anyone said anything?
Where are my friends who are supposed to be setting up my intervention?
Dear god it's lonely being alone.