(no subject)
everyone around me is troubled and paining or pining for someone. relationship troubles abound, i find myself in a unique sitution that once seemed common. at one time, people could relate to the in and out of relationships. now everyone has found their "someone". that discovery has led to several different "problematic" situations. the most common of course is that the other is uniterested. on the other hand, others have to deal with choosing among the multitudes of compatible, interested people. or the current situation prevents them from being with their someone for the present. me on the other hand, i can't find interest in anyone to save my life. not for more than a day usually, and certainly not for more than a couple. and it's not just the lack of love, but the complete ignorance of that feeling. i know nothing of what it is like to totally click with someone to the point that all you want to do is share your love of that person with everyone you talk to. i want to feel like a better version of me, just for knowing them. when it hurts to be away from them because the entire world seems drained of color when they are gone. someone i try to impress not because i want to seem like a better person, but because they make me want to be a better person, to be on par with them. and finally someone who makes me feel special because they feel the same way about me.
i have always assumed the role of the light hearted, mellow yet happy-go-lucky one. i am not supposed to *like* a guy. even if i did, how would i know i did? i can't seriously talk to anyone about romantic feelings until i can think about them seriously myself. the catch-22 is that i'm not sure that i could think about it on my own, until someone else verifies that i'm capable or allowed to think and feel and be like that. and that won't happen until my behavior changes my image. which won't happen until.... etc.
i feel like hating myself for being in a state of perpetual blah. like i want to fix what's making me unhappy but there's nothing i can identify. it's not sad persay, just a lack of happiness in a world that seems to have plenty for everyone else. how do you fix something that ain't broke? that doesn't even exist?
i have always assumed the role of the light hearted, mellow yet happy-go-lucky one. i am not supposed to *like* a guy. even if i did, how would i know i did? i can't seriously talk to anyone about romantic feelings until i can think about them seriously myself. the catch-22 is that i'm not sure that i could think about it on my own, until someone else verifies that i'm capable or allowed to think and feel and be like that. and that won't happen until my behavior changes my image. which won't happen until.... etc.
i feel like hating myself for being in a state of perpetual blah. like i want to fix what's making me unhappy but there's nothing i can identify. it's not sad persay, just a lack of happiness in a world that seems to have plenty for everyone else. how do you fix something that ain't broke? that doesn't even exist?