(no subject)

[fillyiyq]

yaaaaay for being antisocial. i have been sick since winter break started and it sucks balls. fortunately i've been going through different stages of sick, so i'm currently enjoying both a head cold and stomach virus. suck. school on the other hand is going better than i expected. i think. i have the motivation to do work this semester, only problem is that i don't understand a durned thing i'm supposed to be learning. i really wish i had the option to quit. i almost envy keeley and ta. it would be nice to be able to go to school for a year or whatever and be ready to work. i'm so sick of having to rely on my mom, i feel like such a fucking kid. my brother, who until recently was the coolest person i know, has decided to ignore his little sister's existence. keeley's on cloud nine about matt, and while i'm unbelievably happy for her, it's really hard on me. the whole guy situation is a mess. once again i fail. speaking of failing, yet another speeding ticket. this one means jail, losing my license or a fine i can't afford. or all of the above. which brings me to a problem with the apartment (besides no internet. aaaaaaagh!)- no alone time. the thing i miss about the allen house is that if i needed to collapse in the middle of the living room and cry, no one was around to make me feel like an idiot. i really hate showing weakness and i can't believe i almost broke down on the phone with keeley. wouldn't it be nice to have someone to hold me when i feel like shite? wouldn't it be nice to be wrapped up in someone's arms? seriously, i'm asking, because i don't remember. the joke about 87 cats is half serious. i am not feeling terribly optimistic about my romantic status. or anything right now for that matter. it seems that everything i make an effort at, fails, comes out wrong, breaks, or just doesn't quite make the cut. i had an *amazing* talk with k last night. now there's someone who makes you feel good about your self, no matter how you're feeling, or how nonchalantly her care comes across. there are no words for how reassuring it is that she plans on letting me hang around for a while. where would i be right now if i hadn't gotten back in contact with her? allen for one. bottom of the river, perhaps. does dfw even have any rivers to drown in? or to park a van by :D
maybe i just have a lot on my mind. maybe my mom's visit stressed me out. maybe school is taking up my brain power.
maybe i'm just lonely.




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