Friendships and memories
When I was six years old my family bought our second horse. Julia had had her pony for a year or so, and we were rebuilding the old barn into a stable. Lady then needed a friend so that she didn’t have to live by herself, and since there was no one who needed or wanted a place for their horse we ended up buying LillLady. She was small and didn’t cost much and ate even less. Me being able to ride her was only a bonus. Her real name is actually Lady, but since we already had a horse called Lady she got to be LillLady (which basically means LittleLady).
At the time I really couldn’t ride. I’d taken lessons and I could trot around and basically stay on a horse’s back, but I couldn’t ride. LillLady ended up teaching me how to the hard way. She was easily bored and did not care much for trotting around the paddock. We had to struggle a lot in the beginning, both of us. She had never been properly trained and I’ve already described my skills with horses. Julia was just a bit too tall - she could ride her, but because her feet ended up so far down it was hard for LillLady to understand what she wanted. So most of the time she had us on a leash and the two of us would go round and round until we got the hang of whatever it was that we were doing.
It was love at first sight, despite all the problems and craziness in the beginning. She was and is one of the sweetest beings I have ever met - always prepared to do her best, enthusiastic, kind. Those who think that animals have no soul should meet her. “She has a big personality and a big heart” as mom likes to put it. Stonefinder often talks about horses as healers and with her it’s definitely like that. There was a great deal fighting in my home and whenever I couldn’t take it she was there. She was probably who I was closest to growing up. And once I got better, and we could do more, riding became so much more than sitting on the back of a horse. She guided me there in her own way, taking little detours every so often, but we did arrive and I just know that she knew what she was doing with me. The last year I could ride her was the best. We’d take daytrips with Julia and Lady, and when we got back the two of them would be exhausted and the two of us would be ready for more.
Two days ago we took her to the veterinarian to get her cleared. A family with two daughters were looking for a second horse and my old trainer called us. When I met them I thought that it was hard to find a better family. Maria and Lasse were both aware of the responsibilities and hard work, Ebba (the oldest daughter) was calm and very well-versed when it came to horses and Wilma (the youngest daughter - not even five yet!) was very enthusiastic about getting a hrose she could ride on. And I know Synnöve (my old trainer) well and I know that she can help them in every way. It has been decided that both the girls should ride her, and that she will be joining in on Synnöve’s lessons a little when needed, so she will get enough exercise.
Today we drover her up, and now I just can’t stop crying. It’s not far from where my mother lives, but it feels like I’ll never see her again. Seeing her walk around with Wilma on her back made me want to shout that she needed to this and not that, and as soon as Ebba got up I had to bite my tongue not to tell her that the horse needed so much more stimulation, she needed to do more. But I kept quiet. Because then they had already signed the contract. She is not ours to care for anymore.
It feels so strange. We’ve been with each other for so long now. I was the one who showed her the ocean. She was the one who taught me to jump. I watched her halp raise Priss, Lady’s foal. She watched me cry so many times in the stable.
I keep listening to “Two of us” by the Beatles and thinking about when she first saw the ocean. We’d taken them to our family place on the east coast, and neither of them had seen any amount of water bigger than a tub filled with it. We took our time getting them ready and headed for a clearing that opened up right by the water. Of course me and LillLady were first (we always were) and Lady, being bigger, saw the big blue first and stopped. So it was just us continuing down by ourselves. And then all the trees were suddenly gone and it was just water, stretching out before us. I remember how she stopped and just snorted loudly. We stood like that for just a moment and then she continued down to the water without me even asking her to.
It hurts more than I’d like to admit to hear the outro to the above-mentioned song, knowing that I won’t be walking her home anymore.
The last couple of years, two girls called Anna and Johanna have been riding her. Anna used to take her to small jumping competitions at Synnöve’s ridingschool, and one time she thought it would be easier if LillLady stayed the night there as they were going to have a lesson there the following day. But LillLady had other plans - the next morning when the girls came to get her she broke free and ran off. Anna called us not much later and told us what had happened. I was on my way out and mom stopped me through the window to tell me. I went out to the road and who was standing outside the field where Priss and Lady were waiting, if not LillLady? She had made the ride that usually took about an hour in less than 20 minutes just because she missed her friends. A part of me wishes that she would do it again, but I know she won’t.
I guess all this sounds silly - me missing someone I can’t talk to with words like this, acting like I know her. But I do! We’ve been friends for 17 years! How can you be with someone for 17 years and not know them? It doesn’t matter if you can’t use words, there are other ways to communicate. It can’t be described, I guess, but it’s more real than most of my friendships with humans. And today I lost that.
Ahem. There. I shall now stop being a wimp and get on with it. Zidane just butted his head into an Italian players stomach. Wow. I actually would feel sorry for him now if Italy won - everyone would forget his goal and simply hate him for getting a red card.