My last goodbye
I am a surgeon. And I am a person who gets emotionally involved. I am both. And I am not going to give up either part of me. And I am not going to apologize for that.
I do not know why I wanted to write that. I just heard it. And I just did. - I think we are told. We are told in our lives that to be one thing, it means not being something else. We are not present to the possibility that they are wrong (the people who tell us that). That we have the option to be both. Independent and needy. Powerful and emotional.
I just said my last goodbye. My last subway hug after spending the evening out with my sisters. A goodbye like any other. But what other way to be? But to be as it were any other subway stop, any other hug, and any other goodbye.
I don't know how to be if my dad isn't alive.
I just heard that sentence as well. - So often in life we are as we are simply because we do not know how to be if we are not that way. If I am not being this way with this, than how could I be being?! - Ehh I'm done with that thought.
- I saw Paul yesterday. I said good-bye. It was interesting. Not the seeing him, but the before. The during. And the after. Something settled. like the sand to the bottom of the lake after you jumped in it and stay silent for a while. Or the curtain came up to expose the actors after the finale of a long play. The magic is gone. In a good way. - I think anyways. - Who is this person? 37 who speaks so clearly in his words and writing. initiating contact again. "let's get together" "let's do something" and does not follow through. Does not call. - Well, that does not matter. What I mean to say is this: I had a realization. The realization was that I had an attachment. The attachment was to something that does not exist. I had an attachment to an idea. To an idea of someone as I wished them to be. Which made me unable to be present to Who They Are. I find this hilarious. I find this hilarious because I have said this to Adrian so many times "you like the idea of him. not him." And though I do like Paul, as a friend, a friend to whom I am attracted. That is what it is. He is a great person, capable of great things, and I will always think that. He is attractive and I may always want to share physical love with him in a fun way. However, he is not what I want, he seems a times a child in his... Well, no need to say things that are not nice, because I like the person who he is and would not want him to change. I just realized that what is, is not what I want, in terms of relationship, right now, and for some reason I was wanting to think that it was. I am not a fan of things unsaid, or vague communication, or unclear actions. and though those may not be so in him. I felt like writing them.
Tonight. In three hours I was able to create:
Freedom. From an idea of someone who does not exist.
Acceptance. Of what is. Sexual attraction. The possibility of an amazing friendship.
Completion. With all that has happened, which has been wonderful. And complete.
Openness. That this person serves as yet another example that there is an abundance of wonderful human being in the world, and I cannot wait to meet them.
I do not know why I wanted to write that. I just heard it. And I just did. - I think we are told. We are told in our lives that to be one thing, it means not being something else. We are not present to the possibility that they are wrong (the people who tell us that). That we have the option to be both. Independent and needy. Powerful and emotional.
I just said my last goodbye. My last subway hug after spending the evening out with my sisters. A goodbye like any other. But what other way to be? But to be as it were any other subway stop, any other hug, and any other goodbye.
I don't know how to be if my dad isn't alive.
I just heard that sentence as well. - So often in life we are as we are simply because we do not know how to be if we are not that way. If I am not being this way with this, than how could I be being?! - Ehh I'm done with that thought.
- I saw Paul yesterday. I said good-bye. It was interesting. Not the seeing him, but the before. The during. And the after. Something settled. like the sand to the bottom of the lake after you jumped in it and stay silent for a while. Or the curtain came up to expose the actors after the finale of a long play. The magic is gone. In a good way. - I think anyways. - Who is this person? 37 who speaks so clearly in his words and writing. initiating contact again. "let's get together" "let's do something" and does not follow through. Does not call. - Well, that does not matter. What I mean to say is this: I had a realization. The realization was that I had an attachment. The attachment was to something that does not exist. I had an attachment to an idea. To an idea of someone as I wished them to be. Which made me unable to be present to Who They Are. I find this hilarious. I find this hilarious because I have said this to Adrian so many times "you like the idea of him. not him." And though I do like Paul, as a friend, a friend to whom I am attracted. That is what it is. He is a great person, capable of great things, and I will always think that. He is attractive and I may always want to share physical love with him in a fun way. However, he is not what I want, he seems a times a child in his... Well, no need to say things that are not nice, because I like the person who he is and would not want him to change. I just realized that what is, is not what I want, in terms of relationship, right now, and for some reason I was wanting to think that it was. I am not a fan of things unsaid, or vague communication, or unclear actions. and though those may not be so in him. I felt like writing them.
Tonight. In three hours I was able to create:
Freedom. From an idea of someone who does not exist.
Acceptance. Of what is. Sexual attraction. The possibility of an amazing friendship.
Completion. With all that has happened, which has been wonderful. And complete.
Openness. That this person serves as yet another example that there is an abundance of wonderful human being in the world, and I cannot wait to meet them.