(no subject)
Man, I need someone to talk to... not even to talk to really, but someone to listen and sympathize and tell me that I’m strong enough to handle this madness. I want to make a list of things I hate (which wouldn't help anything) or one of things I wish were different--the problem is, practically nothing on either list is within my power to improve. Here it is, just to get it off my chest.
Things I hate/wish were different:
1. My parents are in the process of divorcing.
2. I'm away from school until January.
3. I don't have a car.
4. My house doesn't feel like home anymore.
5. But I still hate the fact that I'll have to move out of it.
6. My mom is moving to Phoenix.
7. My job at the newspaper serves no purpose for what I ultimately want to do with my life.
8. I have a zillion things to do, but I'm not doing them because there's so much I want to get off my chest.
Which of those things can I change? Numbers 3, 7, and 8... but those aren't even the meaningful ones! Sure, few things are as great as feeling productive and capable and taking active steps to accomplish worthy goals. But you know what's even better? Family. A happy, functional, supportive, inspiring family. I feel like I'll never have it again... assuming I ever had it to begin with. More than anything, though, I'm scared I won't be able to create that kind of family for my children (if I'm ever blessed with them) because my parents couldn't create it for me--because they couldn't give me an example of how to do it.
There it is, right there. That's my biggest, most heart-wrenching difficulty with this whole thing.
I really want them to be happy, and maybe this is necessary to accomplish that... but I feel like it writes me off as incapable of making one marriage last a lifetime. I'm terrified.
I wasn't going to post this because it's so damn dreary, and I promise I'm not normally this negative about it, but I'm just in one of those moods.
9. I also hate those moods.
Things I hate/wish were different:
1. My parents are in the process of divorcing.
2. I'm away from school until January.
3. I don't have a car.
4. My house doesn't feel like home anymore.
5. But I still hate the fact that I'll have to move out of it.
6. My mom is moving to Phoenix.
7. My job at the newspaper serves no purpose for what I ultimately want to do with my life.
8. I have a zillion things to do, but I'm not doing them because there's so much I want to get off my chest.
Which of those things can I change? Numbers 3, 7, and 8... but those aren't even the meaningful ones! Sure, few things are as great as feeling productive and capable and taking active steps to accomplish worthy goals. But you know what's even better? Family. A happy, functional, supportive, inspiring family. I feel like I'll never have it again... assuming I ever had it to begin with. More than anything, though, I'm scared I won't be able to create that kind of family for my children (if I'm ever blessed with them) because my parents couldn't create it for me--because they couldn't give me an example of how to do it.
There it is, right there. That's my biggest, most heart-wrenching difficulty with this whole thing.
I really want them to be happy, and maybe this is necessary to accomplish that... but I feel like it writes me off as incapable of making one marriage last a lifetime. I'm terrified.
I wasn't going to post this because it's so damn dreary, and I promise I'm not normally this negative about it, but I'm just in one of those moods.
9. I also hate those moods.