thanks love
Now listening to some fab music, I'm updating, another attempt at procrastination (a very successful one at that, I must say). I've just been thinking about how all things come to an end, and how when one door closes another opens, and all those panacea-like phrases that seems applicable and oh-so inspirational all the time. It got me thinking about the wisdom that I received from my grandmother, that darling semi-lucid pilipina who is still trucking, after world wars and occupations and transnational family transplantations. I hope to God I'll get to see her come Christmas; as painful as those trips are, what I take away from being with her is so worth it when I come back here. Over the years, there are a few things she's told me that stick with me. I'm not sure if they're from one of her lucid moments or her more loco ones, but that's up to you to interpret.
"Do you have a boyfriend? Yes? Well then, now's the time, you have to go out and have fun, have all the fun you want before he ties you down. Because then he'll just keep you inside. Go date, date lots of boys, you're very pretty... do you have a boyfriend?" I always thought this was her referencing how she went to school and got all her degrees and her practice and traveling done before she married and had my mother. I always think about that in conjunction with my mantourages of the past and laugh at what she would possibly think of 21st century dating. Now I'm thinking, am I sure? Am I done for real with all that? Really?
"When you fall in love and marry, the man should be smarter than you, or at least think he is smarter than you, and should above all, love you more than you love him." This one was just out of the blue and she didn't explain anything about it. Again, was she talking about her own past marriage? I think about the men that I've fallen in love with, and I see what she means about the power dynamics with intelligence. There's something about the male ego that needs smoothing re: intelligence, either through reassurance or reassertion. They like teaching, explaining, leading. Love's another element of the power dynamic; I guess if you withhold part of your love, you'll always have him reaching for it. And if he doesn't reach for it, at least you know it won't get trampled on the ground.
I was thinking about all this in the context of this past weekend that I spent down at senior week in San Diego. I tried my hardest to be the best girlfriend I can, but I couldn't summon up the energy. I couldn't go out and party with people that I hardly care about; the only way I could gather that up would be to turn on the ol' flirty charm and I'm sick of those stupid social mating games. I don't mind it here at school, but at the end of the day there's always a place we can retreat to that is just ours. It wasn't there in San Diego and I couldn't stand having our relationship play second fiddle to these goodbyes. That's why I didn't want to go in the first place, because I'm selfish. But he got upset, trying to explain: "But I want you here, I want to share this with you, I want you with me all the days..." And now, after having fled in the middle of the night, yeah I miss him. But we just deal with love in different ways.
"Do you have a boyfriend? Yes? Well then, now's the time, you have to go out and have fun, have all the fun you want before he ties you down. Because then he'll just keep you inside. Go date, date lots of boys, you're very pretty... do you have a boyfriend?" I always thought this was her referencing how she went to school and got all her degrees and her practice and traveling done before she married and had my mother. I always think about that in conjunction with my mantourages of the past and laugh at what she would possibly think of 21st century dating. Now I'm thinking, am I sure? Am I done for real with all that? Really?
"When you fall in love and marry, the man should be smarter than you, or at least think he is smarter than you, and should above all, love you more than you love him." This one was just out of the blue and she didn't explain anything about it. Again, was she talking about her own past marriage? I think about the men that I've fallen in love with, and I see what she means about the power dynamics with intelligence. There's something about the male ego that needs smoothing re: intelligence, either through reassurance or reassertion. They like teaching, explaining, leading. Love's another element of the power dynamic; I guess if you withhold part of your love, you'll always have him reaching for it. And if he doesn't reach for it, at least you know it won't get trampled on the ground.
I was thinking about all this in the context of this past weekend that I spent down at senior week in San Diego. I tried my hardest to be the best girlfriend I can, but I couldn't summon up the energy. I couldn't go out and party with people that I hardly care about; the only way I could gather that up would be to turn on the ol' flirty charm and I'm sick of those stupid social mating games. I don't mind it here at school, but at the end of the day there's always a place we can retreat to that is just ours. It wasn't there in San Diego and I couldn't stand having our relationship play second fiddle to these goodbyes. That's why I didn't want to go in the first place, because I'm selfish. But he got upset, trying to explain: "But I want you here, I want to share this with you, I want you with me all the days..." And now, after having fled in the middle of the night, yeah I miss him. But we just deal with love in different ways.