Princess Bride
I was going through some of my old files and found this reeeeally old Princess Bride as told by the Slayers dealie. Anyway, seeing as it's old, it's really awful and there's probably a good reason I abandoned it. Anyway, if you want to read it, enjoy. Comments are welcome. I've been thinking about it again and might pick it up as a side project when I get bored. Um, yeah, that's all.
Without worry for his own existence, Phibrizzo stood defiantly before his mother and smirked. After all, he was already dead, right? His mother, acting through Lina Inverse had seen to that several years ago. So it stood to reason that he was less than inclined to go along with this absurd idea of hers. He glared into the golden light that was the Lord of Nightmares, shook his head and said, “No.” After all, what was she going to do, kill him again?
Phibrizzo got the distinct impression that if she had had a physical body, she would be tapping her foot impatiently. “Why not?” a dangerous voice boomed through the Sea of Chaos.
“Because it’s stupid!” Phibrizzo replied. “I refuse to participate in your bizarre little games anymore. Last month you had me in a bib and a diaper because you had this stupid notion that you wanted a child.”
“But I did.”
Rolling his eyes, Phibrizzo pointed at himself. “Look at me woman! This body is at least ten years old. Do you have any idea how humiliating that was? Besides, you’re the mother of all things! You don’t need a damn toddler.”
She chuckled and said, “But you were so cute!” Noting her son’s scowl, she insincerely mumbled, “I’m sorry. Now, will you please do it?”
“Sorry, Mom. No dice.”
“Do it.”
“No!” Phibrizzo bellowed. “And why do you want to hear a stupid bedtime story anyway? You don’t sleep!”
“I know, but I’m bored.”
Phibrizzo crossed his arms angrily and frowned. “So get a hobby!”
“I have one. Getting what I want.” She paused for a moment, pondering this impasse that they had reached. “I know! Would you do it if I let you cast the characters in the story?”
“Well…” Phibrizzo muttered, considering the possibilities. This could be interesting and it might make a nice change from floating aimlessly within the void. “What kind of story is it?”
Sensing her impending victory, she said, “Oh, it’s the bestest story ever! Lots of action and stuff! And did I mention that you get to cast the characters?”
Phibrizzo scratched his head and asked, “Um, did you just say, ‘bestest’?” Shrugging helplessly, he sighed, “Well, what else am I going to do with eternity? Okay Mom, I’ll do it.”
“Great! Now you’re going to need this.”
The light brightened and Phibrizzo suddenly felt as if he had been struck in the chest. He began to cough violently and barely managed to rasp, “What the hell did you do to me?”
“The black plague.”
“What?!”
“Enough talking! You need to get into bed and get some rest young man! Your mother will be along shortly. And then your grandpa’s going to read you the story.”
Before Phibrizzo could say a word in protest, he felt himself flung violently out of the Sea of Chaos.
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The bedroom looked like most young boys’ rooms. Well-read comic books littered the floor, posters depicting brass racquets stars and famous minstrels were tacked haphazardly up on the walls, and the bed was quite a mess.
Darkness filled the chamber and only the repetitious cough of a child betrayed the fact that the bed was occupied.
The boy looked to be about ten, with shaggy black hair and amber eyes. Normally he’d be wearing a cruel smirk as well, but a terrible chest cold had put him slightly under the weather. And seeing as he was bedridden and had already dissected most of the house pets, he was quite bored.
“It’s not fair,” Phibrizzo hissed before going into a violent coughing fit. Getting himself under some semblance of control, he said, “This doesn’t make sense. I don’t get sick. I don’t breathe either, so why am I coughing?! Damn it, mom.” Another wave of coughs wracked his small body.
A timid knock at the door interrupted the boy’s brooding. “Um, hello?” a cautious voice called out.
Phibrizzo rolled his eyes and yelled, “What?!” He smiled as he sensed the woman cringe on the other side of the door.
The door slowly swung open and a raven-haired girl tentatively poked her head into the room. Seeing that the boy was tucked under the blanket and not lurking behind the door with a sharp object, she smiled in relief and stepped into the room. “Feeling any better?” she asked as she stepped into the room. She glanced at the floor and grimaced. “Oh good,” she said with forced enthusiasm, “You found Mittens.” She nimbly avoided stepping in the cat and made her way over to the bed.
Phibrizzo scowled at Sylphiel as she put a hand on his forehead. He took a deep breath and muttered, “What do you want, ‘mom’?”
“Oh, just to see how my little boy is doing,” Sylphiel said with a nervous chuckle. “And to tell you that your grandpa is here,” she added in an apologetic tone.
“Mom,” Phibrizzo muttered darkly, “He pinches my cheeks. I hate it when he pinches my cheeks.” He wondered briefly who had been tapped for the role of grandpa. Already two other characters in the story and he hadn’t gotten to choose a single one. This did not bode well for things to come.
“Maybe he won’t. I hope he doesn’t.” Sylphiel saw the murderous glint in her child’s eyes and added, “For the love of Ceiphied, I hope that he doesn’t.”
Just then, the door flew open and slammed into the wall with a loud bang.
Looming in the doorway blocking out the comforting light of the hall stood the boy’s grandfather. He was an imposing man with a wild mane of red hair and a garish orange trench coat. Under one arm he carried a package wrapped in black paper, bound with tattered ribbon. Slung over his shoulder was a wicked looking blade, nearly as long as the man was tall. “Where’s the sick little fella?” His gaze came to rest on Phibrizzo and he scowled darkly. “Grandson,” he said icily.
“Grandpa,” Phibrizzo replied through gritted teeth.
Gaav crossed the room in two huge steps and dropped the package on the bed. A moment later, he had most of his grandson’s face tightly pinched between his index finger and thumb. He shook the boy with such enthusiasm that it was a wonder that his head remained attached. “Look at how you’ve grown,” he growled.
The boy fixed his murderous gaze upon Sylphiel.
Sylphiel felt the temperature in the room drop several degrees and suddenly remembered that she had a pie to bake. In her sister’s kitchen. The sister that lived the next kingdom over. “Well, I’ll leave you boys to yourselves!” she said almost hysterically as she made a hasty retreat out the door.
Gaav picked the package up from the bed and said, “I brought you something.” He grinned wickedly.
Phibrizzo smirked and sarcastically retorted, “Well, isn’t that nice? I shudder to think-” He was suddenly silenced by the parcel striking him squarely between the eyes.
“Open it,” Gaav commanded as he pulled a chair over beside the bed and sat down.
Muttering something dark under his breath, Phibrizzo did as he was told. A moment later the paper and ribbon were on the floor and he was eyeing his gift distastefully. “It’s a book,” he said flatly.
“Not just any book,” Gaav corrected. “This is the book that my father read to me when I was sick, and now I’m going to read it to you.”
The boy sighed. “You’re kidding right? You must be getting sentimental, not to mention senile, in your old age, grandpa. I don’t want to hear your stupid story.” He flung the book at Gaav’s head.
Gaav deftly caught the tome and grinned wickedly. “Ah, but you might change your tune once you hear what it’s about. Dark plots, lies, deceit, torture, warmongering, murder, revenge,” he listed on his fingers. He patted the cover of the book affectionately and said, “This book has it all.”
“Really?” Phibrizzo whispered, his curiosity piqued.
“Well, that’s what mother told me,” Gaav said in the same whisper.
“Well…” the boy said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “Maybe it won’t be that bad.”
“Glad to hear it,” Gaav growled. “Now shut up and listen. The sooner we get through with this the sooner we get back to being dead. Okay, once upon a time, there was a young girl by the name of Lina Inverse.”
Gaav and Phibrizzo exchanged eager grins. Lina and torture? This was looking better by the minute.
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At that moment, the unwitting star of the story was doing what she did best. “Alright!” she yelled. “Just hand over all your valuables and nobody has to get hurt!” Grinning like a cat, she made her way around the bandits, holding out a sack for them to deposit their ill-gotten gains in. “We can eat for weeks on this,” she said excitedly.
“That may be true,” Gourry said with a nod, “but, don’t you think you’re being a little hypocritical here? I mean, holding up the bandits? Doesn’t that make you just as bad as them?”
Lina rolled her eyes and grumbled, “As much as it pains me to admit it, we’ve got to be on our best behavior for a while. Remember that caravan we sort of accidentally blew up last week?”
Gourry nodded. “I seem to remember something about you fireballing someone you shouldn’t have.”
“Jellyfish!” Lina growled, “Why do you have such an easy time remembering the inconvenient stuff? Anyway, that was the royal procession and Phil was a little peeved, so I kind of told him we’d tone it down a bit. Besides,” she said, turning a wicked grin on her captives, “you’re not complaining, are you? Would you rather eat a fireball?”
“No ma’am!” a dozen terrified voices yelped in unison.
“See?” Lina said happily. “It’s a win, win situation, Gourry. We get the loot and Phil stays off our backs for a whi-”
Gourry glanced up just in time to see the sack that Lina had been holding drop to the ground and spill its contents. The sorceress was nowhere to be seen. “Lina?” he called out, instantly alarmed. “Lina?!” He turned a suspicious eye on the bandits and growled, “What happened to Li-” In the blink of an eye, the swordsman vanished as well.
A long moment passed before one of the bandits asked, “Does this mean we can go?”
“Nah, you saw the way she was looking at us. This is just a trick so she has an excuse to put a spell on us.”
Deciding to play it safe, the bandits sat obediently in the middle of the road, waiting for their captors’ return.
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Lina was raised in a small vineyard on the foothills of the Zefielia Mts. Her favorite pastimes, which included robbing bandits and black magic, are too numerous to mention, but at the top of her list was torturing the farm boy that worked there. His name was Gourry, but she never called him that.
Nothing gave Lina more pleasure than ordering Gourry around. “Jellyfish, sharpen my dagger. I want it to shine brighter than gold.”
Quietly watching her, Gourry took the small dagger, only uttering the words, “Sure Lina,” before leaving to do as he was asked.
Always, it was the same. Lina would yell, “Jellyfish!” and give the poor farm boy an unpleasant task. Invariably, Gourry would reply with a quiet, “Sure Lina,” and follow her commands without a word of complaint.
“Jellyfish!” Lina bellowed from where she was seated at the table. He gazed at her over the pile of wood that he had just fetched from the nearby forest. She smirked and said, “Get another couple of loads. It’s supposed to be cold tonight.”
Gourry looked out the window. It was already getting dark and the forest was a half-mile away. He turned back to Lina, smiled meaningfully, and said, “Sure Lina,” before carefully stacking the kindling and turning to head back out.
“Jellyfish!” Lina hastily called out. Something about the way he’d smiled had stirred something deep within her.
Gourry turned, that same charming smile fixed on his face. “Yes Lina?”
Lina desperately glanced around the room seeking some task for the farm boy. Thankfully, her gaze settled on a pitcher on the counter. It wasn’t much but it would do. “Fetch me that pitcher.” Seeing that Gourry was still smiling at her, she said, almost in a whisper, “Please?”
Gourry nodded and said, “Sure Lina.” He fetched the pitcher, brought it over, and placed it in her hands. His hands lingered over hers, barely touching them, as he gazed into her ruby eyes with his sapphire ones.
“Th-Thank you,” Lina stammered as she came to a sudden realization. Every time that Gourry said, “Sure Lina,” what he really meant was, “I love you”. She swallowed hard, trying to figure out what to do with this new information.
“Gourry?” Lina tentatively whispered. It felt strange to call him anything besides “Jellyfish.”
“Yes Lina?”
“Dill Brand!” Lina bellowed, sending the hapless farm boy screaming through the roof. She clapped her hands together, satisfied with her handiwork. How dare he embarrass her like that? Looking up at the freshly made skylight, she grinned. That was his fault so he could repair it. It’d be a good excuse to keep him around.
It started off rocky, but over the following weeks, Lina came to realize that she loved her jellyfish as much as he loved her.
************************************************************************
“Hold it, hold it, hold it!” Phibrizzo bellowed, looking very green in the face. “What the hell is this?!” he demanded. “I thought that Lina was supposed to be tortured or something! What’s with this lovey dovey garbage?”
Gaav, looking none too chipper himself, muttered, “You’re right. This isn’t how I thought that the story would go.” He closed the book and looked at the cover. “Aw, crap!” he exclaimed in a very ungrandfatherly manner. “Take a look at this,” he said displaying the cover of the book.
“The Princess Bride,” it read in gold letters. Below the title was an exquisite picture of Lina and Gourry sharing a loving embrace.
“This… doesn’t look like torture,” Phibrizzo hissed through gritted teeth. How had he missed that picture when he opened the package?
“Well, I don’t know,” Gaav said, throwing his arms up in the air hopelessly. “This is what she told me to read.” He eyed the cover distastefully and muttered, “Warmongering and revenge? Seems like false advertising to me.”
“Nice going, gramps. What are we going to do now?”
“Well, I suppose we could struggle through the story,” Gaav said thoughtfully. “Or, we could find… other ways to pass the time,” he added, hefting his sword menacingly.
The boy regarded his grandfather coldly for a moment before almost inaudibly muttering, “Read the damn book.”
Gaav nodded and found his place again. “That’s what I thought. Now, that Lina and the farm boy realized their love for one another…”
************************************************************************
Gourry and Lina embraced one another in the light of the setting sun, neither of them ever wanting to release the other. Gourry’s bag sat ominously at his feet, a heart wrenching reminder that their moment would not last.
Finally, Lina pulled away from Gourry and looked up into his eyes. She sniffled and said, “I don’t want you to go.”
“Lina, we’ll never have enough money to be married and live comfortably unless I find some work,” Gourry patiently explained, just as he had done so a thousand times before in the week since he had announced his decision.
“But, what about the bandits?” Lina asked. It was a point she’d made repeatedly as well. “I’ve always done fine for myself blowing up bandits and taking their loot.”
Gourry sighed and shook his head. “You’ve wiped out every bandit gang for miles around. Besides, at the rate you eat we’re going to need more than a few thousand gold coins to live.” He suddenly found himself facedown in the dirt with Lina’s heel grinding into the back of his skull.
“What’s that supposed to mean?!” the furious redhead demanded. “Are you suggesting that I’m a glutton?! Because, I’ve seen how much you shovel into your face, buddy!”
“No, Lina,” Gourry groaned through a mouthful of mud. “I just want to make sure you have everything you deserve.”
“Oh Gourry,” Lina whispered, picking her battered farm boy from the ground. He might be a jellyfish, but he usually knew the right thing to say. Dusting him off, she cheerfully said, “Well, I’m sure you’ve got places to go, so don’t let me stop you.” She scooped up his bag and thrust it into his arms before turning him around and shoving him down the walk. “Bye now! Don’t let the gate hit you on the way out! Bring me back something expensive!”
Gourry turned and gave Lina a pained grin as he reluctantly made his way out of the yard. He would miss his Lina terribly, even if she were short, flat chested, and ill tempered, not to mention violent and destructive. Scratching his head, he briefly wondered what it was about her that he would miss.
“Gourry!”
The farm boy turned and dropped his pack just in time to catch the leaping redhead. “I forgot to give you something,” she whispered lovingly just before raining kissed down upon his face. Oh yeah, he thought. He knew there was something that he’d miss about her. There was that whole true love thing.
“Come back soon. And don’t do anything too stupid,” Lina instructed. She gave him one last peck on the cheek before releasing him and turning back towards the farmhouse.
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“Sadly though,” Gaav said, unable to hide a wicked smile, “a few weeks after leaving his beloved, the hapless farm boy was tragically cut down by the Dread Bandit Rodimus.”
Phibrizzo had only been half listening to his senile old grandfather. He’d actually been looking at his blanket and wondering if it was sturdy enough to hang himself with. Dying again couldn’t be any worse than this. Gaav’s last line hit him like a ray of darkness on a sunny day. “Really?!” he eagerly asked. “He died? Ha! Here, let me see that!” He yanked the book from Gaav’s hand and eagerly reread the passage. “What gives?” he asked after a moment. “The hapless farm boy was cut down by the Dread Bandit Rodimus.” He shrugged and glanced up at Gaav questioningly. “That’s all it says? It doesn’t go into detail? Where’re the damn illustrations?!” He began frantically flipping through the pages in hope of finding something grotesque.
“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing,” Gaav muttered as he plucked the book from Phibrizzo’s grasp. “You’d think that after all the kissing and love they’d at least throw us a bone on the guy’s death.”
Phibrizzo nodded emphatically in agreement. “I mean, was he dismembered? Gutted? What?” The boy looked up at his grandfather, silently begging the trench coat clad demon for answers. Sadly, there were none to be had. He sighed in defeat and rested his face in his hands. “This sucks so much.”
“Yeah? Well, suck it up kid,” Gaav growled. “We’ve still got two hundred pages of this stuff left.” He grimaced in disgust at Phibrizzo’s pitiful expression. “In hell’s name, I’ll never understand why you were father’s favorite. I’ve been through a lot worse than this. You don’t know misery until you’ve been bound in a human form.”
“You think you had it bad? At least you didn’t get your head popped by mom. My ears were ringing for a month after that.” Phibrizzo stole a quick glance out the window and cringed. “Speaking of mother…”
A bright golden light flooded into the room and the Lord of Nightmare’s irate voice yelled, “If you boys are quite done, I’d like to hear the rest of the story!”
“Yes, mother!” Gaav and Phibrizzo yelped in unison.
“Come on stupid, find the page!” Phibrizzo hissed.
“I’m trying! I’m trying!” Gaav yelled, almost blinded by the intense light. He breathed a sigh of relief and hastily began to read. “When Lina heard the news…”
Thankfully, the light began to recede.
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Lina looked at her new surroundings in an utterly disinterested manner. A far cry from her family’s farm, the royal palace of Seyruun was utterly breathtaking. Her room had a bed stuffed with the finest goose down money could buy. The floor was marble, polished so brightly that she could see her face in it. Hanging from the walls were paintings so valuable that they could have paid for her father’s farm a dozen times over.
The paintings, while elaborate, all shared a common thread that made Lina despise them. They all portrayed Prince Zangulus, heir to the throne of Seyruun. Should he be depicted hunting, fencing, or even painting a portrait of his own, he always wore the same smug smile, oozing with notions of superiority.
Lina took a long look at one of the innumerable portraits and sighed forlornly, feeling her heart break a little more. She’d lost her Gourry, the only man that she’d ever loved; ever would love. As the prince, it was Zangulus’s right to choose whomever he wanted as his bride. Thankfully for him, he’d arrived at an opportune time. Under normal circumstances, when the prince had come to the door claiming her as his bride, she would have laughed haughtily and kicked his ass to the curb before you could say, “Dragon Slave.” But, since losing Gourry, there’d been no real reason to fight. So, she’d meekly obeyed Zangulus, following him to the palace like a well-heeled dog. Despite the fact that he’d sworn to care for her, she did not love him.
“I mean, sure he’s rich, powerful, and kind of handsome,” Lina whispered thoughtfully. “But he’s so arrogant and he doesn’t know the first thing about how to treat a lady.” Saying that brought back memories of her farm boy again. He’d been so kind and loving. On top of that, he was always so patient with her, even when she felt the need to blow him away with a spell, which was more often than she cared to admit.
Speaking of spells, blowing up the room in a grandiose manner was starting to look incredibly appealing. And since Zangulus blew his top every time Lina did something along those lines, it meant that it was about time for a ride. She snatched up her cape while muttering, “Stupid Zangulus,” and hastily made her way out to the stables.
A few minutes later, Lina was riding hard and fast, putting the palace behind her. As it dwindled in the distance, so too did her ill mood. Riding was the one thing in life that still brought her joy. Mostly because a well dressed lady astride a powerful steed made quite an enticing target for bandits. And she loved nothing in life anymore except bringing misery and death to bandits.
“There’s some volunteers now,” Lina said with a wicked grin. A pair of shady looking figures stood beside the road flagging her down. These guys were so obviously rogues. Tugging hard on the reins, she made what she hoped was an incredibly cool and dramatic entrance. The horse reared back on its hind legs whinnying loudly as she formed a fireball in her right hand. “Time to die, bandit scum!” she said with a maniacal laugh.
“Wait Miss! We aren’t bandits!” a frightened voice implored.
“Oh?” Lina said curiously. She lowered her hand, allowing the chaotic energies of her fireball to dissipate back into nothingness. She looked down at the self proclaimed “not bandits” and scowled. They didn’t look like bandits, but were certainly suspicious enough.
The man who’d apparently called out was tall and lanky with shoulder length purple hair and the robes of a priest. He carried a gnarled staff and wore a smile upon his face that Lina already decided that she detested. He had a playful look, but Lina suspected that his games weren’t exactly nice.
The priest’s companion appeared to be anything but amicable. A tan cloak, hooded and masked, concealed his features. All Lina could tell for sure was that his skin had a slightly bluish tint to it. That in itself was alarming enough, but a hilt, barely visible at the edge of his cloak, revealed that he was armed as well and skilled with the blade judging by the way he carried himself.
“Good afternoon, Miss!” the priest said, pretending to doff a hat he didn’t possess. This bit of mockery did not endear him to Lina at all. “We’re naught but lost-”
“Circus freaks!” Lina excitedly finished. “Mopey,” she said, pointing at the cloaked figure, “and Dopey,” she finished, turning her attention back to the priest. “I’m right, aren’t I?”
“Circus freaks?!” the cloaked man hissed. He reached for his sword and growled, “Now see here, you little-”
The priest reached out and grabbed his companion’s sword arm, easily restraining him. He was strong it seemed. “Zelgadis, I’ll thank you to show a bit of restraint. We don’t want to kill her just yet.” He grinned goofily and said, “Oh dear! I don’t think I should have mentioned that. I don’t expect that you’ll agree to accompany us now that I let that little tidbit slip, will you?”
Lina was working on her answer even as the priest spoke. She stood in the stirrups, drawing chaotic energies into her body. “Darkness beyond twilight…” she intoned. The horse probably wouldn’t make it, but Zangulus had lots of them. Kidnappers were just what she needed to blow off steam. “…and crimson blood that flows. Buried in the flow of…”
“Hammer of Justice!”
Startled out of her incantation, Lina glanced up just in time to see a fist come down on her head. Then, there was a brief flash of pain and everything became dark.
Zelgadis winced at the sound of the impact and had an almost regretful look on his face as Lina began to tumble from the saddle, quite unconscious. That didn’t stop him from stepping back so she didn’t land on him though. “I’m surprised, Amelia,” he said with a quiet whistle. “Hitting your opponent from behind?”
The raven-haired girl knelt next to Lina to see if she was okay before looking up at Zelgadis with a perky grin. “Well, you know…” she said embarrassedly. “All’s fair in the name of Justice.”
“Fine work, Amelia!” the priest said, clapping his hands in admiration. “And Zelgadis, an excellent job of standing there scowling menacingly. I knew that I’d hired you for some reason.”
“I’m a swordsman, Xellos,” Zelgadis replied resignedly. The priest never missed an opportunity to mock him. He laid a hand on the hilt of his sword and growled, “If you want her dead, I’ll kill her, but I’m not going to demean myself by wrestling an unarmed girl to the ground. So, get off my back!”
“No!” Amelia protested, protectively draping her own body over Lina’s. “You can’t mean that, Mister Zelgadis! You wouldn’t kill a defenseless girl, would you? Even if she is a villain!”
“I believe that you’ll find that she’s hardly as defenseless as you might think, Miss Amelia,” Xellos muttered thoughtfully as he tucked a scrap of blue fabric under Lina’s saddle.
“What’s that?” Zelgadis inquired.
“Oh Zelgadis! That, of course, is a secret!” Xellos’s attempt to rile the chimera up was richly rewarded as Zelgadis began to curse up a storm. “A scrap of cloth from the uniform of a member of the Elmikia military,” he said loudly, trying to be heard over Zel’s profanities. He swatted the horse on the rear with his staff sending it back in the direction of the palace. “When Prince Zangulus finds it, he’ll think that his beloved was kidnapped by Elmikia. When he finds her de-” Grinning, he winked at Amelia. He’d almost let it slip. “When he finds her unconscious, but totally unharmed on the Elmikian border, his suspicions will be confirmed.”
Amelia beamed at Xellos, earning an ill looking smile for her efforts. At least someone understood that it was unjust to kill people with no good reason. “Why do you want the prince to think that Elmikia took her?” she asked after a moment of thought.
“Well, isn’t it obvious?” Xellos asked with a cruel chuckle. “We’re going to start a war!” He snapped his fingers as if just recalling something important. “Oh my, it certainly wouldn’t do to forget that…” He began to rummage about in his satchel while muttering, “Now, where did I put that thing?”
“Oh dear,” Amelia whispered, exchanging a concerned look with Zelgadis. “Mister Xellos, do you really think that’s the right thing to do? A lot of people might get hurt in a war.” She shook her head sadly and whispered, “I… I just don’t think it’s right.”
“Here we go!” Xellos said with a grin as he produced a simple iron circle from within his bag. He mumbled some words under his breath and the circle split into two identical pieces. These he placed around Lina’s neck where they magically became one again. “That should take care of our guest’s more… destructive talents,” he said with a satisfied smirk. “As for you,” he said, scowling at Amelia, “if you can think of a better way to wipe out the evil and totally unjust Elmikian Empire, I’d love to hear it. Besides, I don’t pay you to have an opinion. Pick her up and take her to the wagon.”
“But, she’s heavy!” Amelia protested as she struggled to lift Lina.
Xellos sighed irritably and asked, “Why’d you respond to my ad? I specifically asked for a heartless sorcerer swordsman and a giant for this job. Why did your resume say that you were a giant?”
Amelia smiled proudly. “Because I have a giant sized heart,” she proclaimed. “Just like all true allies of Justice!” She yelped helplessly as her legs buckled under Lina’s weight. A moment later, she was thoroughly entangled with the redhead on the ground.
“I had to ask,” Xellos muttered darkly, making a mental note to conduct face-to-face interviews before hiring lackeys from this point on.
Zelgadis wore a contemplative look upon his face through the entire exchange and finally spoke up. “I agree with Amelia.” His face reddened slightly at the sight of Amelia’s grateful smile. “There’s no reason to kidnap this girl.”
Xellos flung his hands up helplessly. “And now the laconic swordsman decides that he needs an opinion as well! How lovely!” He leaned forward until he was nose-to-nose with the chimera and smirked. “What happens to her is not your concern. Need I remind you that when I picked you up you were wandering aimlessly, without purpose?”
“I do not ‘wander aimlessly’. I knew exactly where I was going and what I was doing. I was looking for a cure to my condition,” Zelgadis growled.
“You were haggling with the local apothecary over some hand lotion!” Xellos retorted.
“He said it had skin softeners in it,” Zelgadis grumbled, running a hand over his stony features. “I just thought…”
Shaking his head in a disgusted manner, Xellos turned away from Zelgadis and headed for the carriage. “If you want to abandon the plan, explain to Prince Zangulus why you attacked his betrothed, and go back to mugging people for skin cream, then be my guest. I don’t have to tell you where your cure is. And I certainly don’t have to tell you where the sorcerer that did this to you resides.”
Zelgadis glared at the priest’s back with such fury that it was a wonder that the purple haired trickster didn’t burst into flame where he stood.
Without worry for his own existence, Phibrizzo stood defiantly before his mother and smirked. After all, he was already dead, right? His mother, acting through Lina Inverse had seen to that several years ago. So it stood to reason that he was less than inclined to go along with this absurd idea of hers. He glared into the golden light that was the Lord of Nightmares, shook his head and said, “No.” After all, what was she going to do, kill him again?
Phibrizzo got the distinct impression that if she had had a physical body, she would be tapping her foot impatiently. “Why not?” a dangerous voice boomed through the Sea of Chaos.
“Because it’s stupid!” Phibrizzo replied. “I refuse to participate in your bizarre little games anymore. Last month you had me in a bib and a diaper because you had this stupid notion that you wanted a child.”
“But I did.”
Rolling his eyes, Phibrizzo pointed at himself. “Look at me woman! This body is at least ten years old. Do you have any idea how humiliating that was? Besides, you’re the mother of all things! You don’t need a damn toddler.”
She chuckled and said, “But you were so cute!” Noting her son’s scowl, she insincerely mumbled, “I’m sorry. Now, will you please do it?”
“Sorry, Mom. No dice.”
“Do it.”
“No!” Phibrizzo bellowed. “And why do you want to hear a stupid bedtime story anyway? You don’t sleep!”
“I know, but I’m bored.”
Phibrizzo crossed his arms angrily and frowned. “So get a hobby!”
“I have one. Getting what I want.” She paused for a moment, pondering this impasse that they had reached. “I know! Would you do it if I let you cast the characters in the story?”
“Well…” Phibrizzo muttered, considering the possibilities. This could be interesting and it might make a nice change from floating aimlessly within the void. “What kind of story is it?”
Sensing her impending victory, she said, “Oh, it’s the bestest story ever! Lots of action and stuff! And did I mention that you get to cast the characters?”
Phibrizzo scratched his head and asked, “Um, did you just say, ‘bestest’?” Shrugging helplessly, he sighed, “Well, what else am I going to do with eternity? Okay Mom, I’ll do it.”
“Great! Now you’re going to need this.”
The light brightened and Phibrizzo suddenly felt as if he had been struck in the chest. He began to cough violently and barely managed to rasp, “What the hell did you do to me?”
“The black plague.”
“What?!”
“Enough talking! You need to get into bed and get some rest young man! Your mother will be along shortly. And then your grandpa’s going to read you the story.”
Before Phibrizzo could say a word in protest, he felt himself flung violently out of the Sea of Chaos.
************************************************************************
The bedroom looked like most young boys’ rooms. Well-read comic books littered the floor, posters depicting brass racquets stars and famous minstrels were tacked haphazardly up on the walls, and the bed was quite a mess.
Darkness filled the chamber and only the repetitious cough of a child betrayed the fact that the bed was occupied.
The boy looked to be about ten, with shaggy black hair and amber eyes. Normally he’d be wearing a cruel smirk as well, but a terrible chest cold had put him slightly under the weather. And seeing as he was bedridden and had already dissected most of the house pets, he was quite bored.
“It’s not fair,” Phibrizzo hissed before going into a violent coughing fit. Getting himself under some semblance of control, he said, “This doesn’t make sense. I don’t get sick. I don’t breathe either, so why am I coughing?! Damn it, mom.” Another wave of coughs wracked his small body.
A timid knock at the door interrupted the boy’s brooding. “Um, hello?” a cautious voice called out.
Phibrizzo rolled his eyes and yelled, “What?!” He smiled as he sensed the woman cringe on the other side of the door.
The door slowly swung open and a raven-haired girl tentatively poked her head into the room. Seeing that the boy was tucked under the blanket and not lurking behind the door with a sharp object, she smiled in relief and stepped into the room. “Feeling any better?” she asked as she stepped into the room. She glanced at the floor and grimaced. “Oh good,” she said with forced enthusiasm, “You found Mittens.” She nimbly avoided stepping in the cat and made her way over to the bed.
Phibrizzo scowled at Sylphiel as she put a hand on his forehead. He took a deep breath and muttered, “What do you want, ‘mom’?”
“Oh, just to see how my little boy is doing,” Sylphiel said with a nervous chuckle. “And to tell you that your grandpa is here,” she added in an apologetic tone.
“Mom,” Phibrizzo muttered darkly, “He pinches my cheeks. I hate it when he pinches my cheeks.” He wondered briefly who had been tapped for the role of grandpa. Already two other characters in the story and he hadn’t gotten to choose a single one. This did not bode well for things to come.
“Maybe he won’t. I hope he doesn’t.” Sylphiel saw the murderous glint in her child’s eyes and added, “For the love of Ceiphied, I hope that he doesn’t.”
Just then, the door flew open and slammed into the wall with a loud bang.
Looming in the doorway blocking out the comforting light of the hall stood the boy’s grandfather. He was an imposing man with a wild mane of red hair and a garish orange trench coat. Under one arm he carried a package wrapped in black paper, bound with tattered ribbon. Slung over his shoulder was a wicked looking blade, nearly as long as the man was tall. “Where’s the sick little fella?” His gaze came to rest on Phibrizzo and he scowled darkly. “Grandson,” he said icily.
“Grandpa,” Phibrizzo replied through gritted teeth.
Gaav crossed the room in two huge steps and dropped the package on the bed. A moment later, he had most of his grandson’s face tightly pinched between his index finger and thumb. He shook the boy with such enthusiasm that it was a wonder that his head remained attached. “Look at how you’ve grown,” he growled.
The boy fixed his murderous gaze upon Sylphiel.
Sylphiel felt the temperature in the room drop several degrees and suddenly remembered that she had a pie to bake. In her sister’s kitchen. The sister that lived the next kingdom over. “Well, I’ll leave you boys to yourselves!” she said almost hysterically as she made a hasty retreat out the door.
Gaav picked the package up from the bed and said, “I brought you something.” He grinned wickedly.
Phibrizzo smirked and sarcastically retorted, “Well, isn’t that nice? I shudder to think-” He was suddenly silenced by the parcel striking him squarely between the eyes.
“Open it,” Gaav commanded as he pulled a chair over beside the bed and sat down.
Muttering something dark under his breath, Phibrizzo did as he was told. A moment later the paper and ribbon were on the floor and he was eyeing his gift distastefully. “It’s a book,” he said flatly.
“Not just any book,” Gaav corrected. “This is the book that my father read to me when I was sick, and now I’m going to read it to you.”
The boy sighed. “You’re kidding right? You must be getting sentimental, not to mention senile, in your old age, grandpa. I don’t want to hear your stupid story.” He flung the book at Gaav’s head.
Gaav deftly caught the tome and grinned wickedly. “Ah, but you might change your tune once you hear what it’s about. Dark plots, lies, deceit, torture, warmongering, murder, revenge,” he listed on his fingers. He patted the cover of the book affectionately and said, “This book has it all.”
“Really?” Phibrizzo whispered, his curiosity piqued.
“Well, that’s what mother told me,” Gaav said in the same whisper.
“Well…” the boy said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “Maybe it won’t be that bad.”
“Glad to hear it,” Gaav growled. “Now shut up and listen. The sooner we get through with this the sooner we get back to being dead. Okay, once upon a time, there was a young girl by the name of Lina Inverse.”
Gaav and Phibrizzo exchanged eager grins. Lina and torture? This was looking better by the minute.
************************************************************************
At that moment, the unwitting star of the story was doing what she did best. “Alright!” she yelled. “Just hand over all your valuables and nobody has to get hurt!” Grinning like a cat, she made her way around the bandits, holding out a sack for them to deposit their ill-gotten gains in. “We can eat for weeks on this,” she said excitedly.
“That may be true,” Gourry said with a nod, “but, don’t you think you’re being a little hypocritical here? I mean, holding up the bandits? Doesn’t that make you just as bad as them?”
Lina rolled her eyes and grumbled, “As much as it pains me to admit it, we’ve got to be on our best behavior for a while. Remember that caravan we sort of accidentally blew up last week?”
Gourry nodded. “I seem to remember something about you fireballing someone you shouldn’t have.”
“Jellyfish!” Lina growled, “Why do you have such an easy time remembering the inconvenient stuff? Anyway, that was the royal procession and Phil was a little peeved, so I kind of told him we’d tone it down a bit. Besides,” she said, turning a wicked grin on her captives, “you’re not complaining, are you? Would you rather eat a fireball?”
“No ma’am!” a dozen terrified voices yelped in unison.
“See?” Lina said happily. “It’s a win, win situation, Gourry. We get the loot and Phil stays off our backs for a whi-”
Gourry glanced up just in time to see the sack that Lina had been holding drop to the ground and spill its contents. The sorceress was nowhere to be seen. “Lina?” he called out, instantly alarmed. “Lina?!” He turned a suspicious eye on the bandits and growled, “What happened to Li-” In the blink of an eye, the swordsman vanished as well.
A long moment passed before one of the bandits asked, “Does this mean we can go?”
“Nah, you saw the way she was looking at us. This is just a trick so she has an excuse to put a spell on us.”
Deciding to play it safe, the bandits sat obediently in the middle of the road, waiting for their captors’ return.
************************************************************************
Lina was raised in a small vineyard on the foothills of the Zefielia Mts. Her favorite pastimes, which included robbing bandits and black magic, are too numerous to mention, but at the top of her list was torturing the farm boy that worked there. His name was Gourry, but she never called him that.
Nothing gave Lina more pleasure than ordering Gourry around. “Jellyfish, sharpen my dagger. I want it to shine brighter than gold.”
Quietly watching her, Gourry took the small dagger, only uttering the words, “Sure Lina,” before leaving to do as he was asked.
Always, it was the same. Lina would yell, “Jellyfish!” and give the poor farm boy an unpleasant task. Invariably, Gourry would reply with a quiet, “Sure Lina,” and follow her commands without a word of complaint.
“Jellyfish!” Lina bellowed from where she was seated at the table. He gazed at her over the pile of wood that he had just fetched from the nearby forest. She smirked and said, “Get another couple of loads. It’s supposed to be cold tonight.”
Gourry looked out the window. It was already getting dark and the forest was a half-mile away. He turned back to Lina, smiled meaningfully, and said, “Sure Lina,” before carefully stacking the kindling and turning to head back out.
“Jellyfish!” Lina hastily called out. Something about the way he’d smiled had stirred something deep within her.
Gourry turned, that same charming smile fixed on his face. “Yes Lina?”
Lina desperately glanced around the room seeking some task for the farm boy. Thankfully, her gaze settled on a pitcher on the counter. It wasn’t much but it would do. “Fetch me that pitcher.” Seeing that Gourry was still smiling at her, she said, almost in a whisper, “Please?”
Gourry nodded and said, “Sure Lina.” He fetched the pitcher, brought it over, and placed it in her hands. His hands lingered over hers, barely touching them, as he gazed into her ruby eyes with his sapphire ones.
“Th-Thank you,” Lina stammered as she came to a sudden realization. Every time that Gourry said, “Sure Lina,” what he really meant was, “I love you”. She swallowed hard, trying to figure out what to do with this new information.
“Gourry?” Lina tentatively whispered. It felt strange to call him anything besides “Jellyfish.”
“Yes Lina?”
“Dill Brand!” Lina bellowed, sending the hapless farm boy screaming through the roof. She clapped her hands together, satisfied with her handiwork. How dare he embarrass her like that? Looking up at the freshly made skylight, she grinned. That was his fault so he could repair it. It’d be a good excuse to keep him around.
It started off rocky, but over the following weeks, Lina came to realize that she loved her jellyfish as much as he loved her.
************************************************************************
“Hold it, hold it, hold it!” Phibrizzo bellowed, looking very green in the face. “What the hell is this?!” he demanded. “I thought that Lina was supposed to be tortured or something! What’s with this lovey dovey garbage?”
Gaav, looking none too chipper himself, muttered, “You’re right. This isn’t how I thought that the story would go.” He closed the book and looked at the cover. “Aw, crap!” he exclaimed in a very ungrandfatherly manner. “Take a look at this,” he said displaying the cover of the book.
“The Princess Bride,” it read in gold letters. Below the title was an exquisite picture of Lina and Gourry sharing a loving embrace.
“This… doesn’t look like torture,” Phibrizzo hissed through gritted teeth. How had he missed that picture when he opened the package?
“Well, I don’t know,” Gaav said, throwing his arms up in the air hopelessly. “This is what she told me to read.” He eyed the cover distastefully and muttered, “Warmongering and revenge? Seems like false advertising to me.”
“Nice going, gramps. What are we going to do now?”
“Well, I suppose we could struggle through the story,” Gaav said thoughtfully. “Or, we could find… other ways to pass the time,” he added, hefting his sword menacingly.
The boy regarded his grandfather coldly for a moment before almost inaudibly muttering, “Read the damn book.”
Gaav nodded and found his place again. “That’s what I thought. Now, that Lina and the farm boy realized their love for one another…”
************************************************************************
Gourry and Lina embraced one another in the light of the setting sun, neither of them ever wanting to release the other. Gourry’s bag sat ominously at his feet, a heart wrenching reminder that their moment would not last.
Finally, Lina pulled away from Gourry and looked up into his eyes. She sniffled and said, “I don’t want you to go.”
“Lina, we’ll never have enough money to be married and live comfortably unless I find some work,” Gourry patiently explained, just as he had done so a thousand times before in the week since he had announced his decision.
“But, what about the bandits?” Lina asked. It was a point she’d made repeatedly as well. “I’ve always done fine for myself blowing up bandits and taking their loot.”
Gourry sighed and shook his head. “You’ve wiped out every bandit gang for miles around. Besides, at the rate you eat we’re going to need more than a few thousand gold coins to live.” He suddenly found himself facedown in the dirt with Lina’s heel grinding into the back of his skull.
“What’s that supposed to mean?!” the furious redhead demanded. “Are you suggesting that I’m a glutton?! Because, I’ve seen how much you shovel into your face, buddy!”
“No, Lina,” Gourry groaned through a mouthful of mud. “I just want to make sure you have everything you deserve.”
“Oh Gourry,” Lina whispered, picking her battered farm boy from the ground. He might be a jellyfish, but he usually knew the right thing to say. Dusting him off, she cheerfully said, “Well, I’m sure you’ve got places to go, so don’t let me stop you.” She scooped up his bag and thrust it into his arms before turning him around and shoving him down the walk. “Bye now! Don’t let the gate hit you on the way out! Bring me back something expensive!”
Gourry turned and gave Lina a pained grin as he reluctantly made his way out of the yard. He would miss his Lina terribly, even if she were short, flat chested, and ill tempered, not to mention violent and destructive. Scratching his head, he briefly wondered what it was about her that he would miss.
“Gourry!”
The farm boy turned and dropped his pack just in time to catch the leaping redhead. “I forgot to give you something,” she whispered lovingly just before raining kissed down upon his face. Oh yeah, he thought. He knew there was something that he’d miss about her. There was that whole true love thing.
“Come back soon. And don’t do anything too stupid,” Lina instructed. She gave him one last peck on the cheek before releasing him and turning back towards the farmhouse.
************************************************************************
“Sadly though,” Gaav said, unable to hide a wicked smile, “a few weeks after leaving his beloved, the hapless farm boy was tragically cut down by the Dread Bandit Rodimus.”
Phibrizzo had only been half listening to his senile old grandfather. He’d actually been looking at his blanket and wondering if it was sturdy enough to hang himself with. Dying again couldn’t be any worse than this. Gaav’s last line hit him like a ray of darkness on a sunny day. “Really?!” he eagerly asked. “He died? Ha! Here, let me see that!” He yanked the book from Gaav’s hand and eagerly reread the passage. “What gives?” he asked after a moment. “The hapless farm boy was cut down by the Dread Bandit Rodimus.” He shrugged and glanced up at Gaav questioningly. “That’s all it says? It doesn’t go into detail? Where’re the damn illustrations?!” He began frantically flipping through the pages in hope of finding something grotesque.
“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing,” Gaav muttered as he plucked the book from Phibrizzo’s grasp. “You’d think that after all the kissing and love they’d at least throw us a bone on the guy’s death.”
Phibrizzo nodded emphatically in agreement. “I mean, was he dismembered? Gutted? What?” The boy looked up at his grandfather, silently begging the trench coat clad demon for answers. Sadly, there were none to be had. He sighed in defeat and rested his face in his hands. “This sucks so much.”
“Yeah? Well, suck it up kid,” Gaav growled. “We’ve still got two hundred pages of this stuff left.” He grimaced in disgust at Phibrizzo’s pitiful expression. “In hell’s name, I’ll never understand why you were father’s favorite. I’ve been through a lot worse than this. You don’t know misery until you’ve been bound in a human form.”
“You think you had it bad? At least you didn’t get your head popped by mom. My ears were ringing for a month after that.” Phibrizzo stole a quick glance out the window and cringed. “Speaking of mother…”
A bright golden light flooded into the room and the Lord of Nightmare’s irate voice yelled, “If you boys are quite done, I’d like to hear the rest of the story!”
“Yes, mother!” Gaav and Phibrizzo yelped in unison.
“Come on stupid, find the page!” Phibrizzo hissed.
“I’m trying! I’m trying!” Gaav yelled, almost blinded by the intense light. He breathed a sigh of relief and hastily began to read. “When Lina heard the news…”
Thankfully, the light began to recede.
************************************************************************
Lina looked at her new surroundings in an utterly disinterested manner. A far cry from her family’s farm, the royal palace of Seyruun was utterly breathtaking. Her room had a bed stuffed with the finest goose down money could buy. The floor was marble, polished so brightly that she could see her face in it. Hanging from the walls were paintings so valuable that they could have paid for her father’s farm a dozen times over.
The paintings, while elaborate, all shared a common thread that made Lina despise them. They all portrayed Prince Zangulus, heir to the throne of Seyruun. Should he be depicted hunting, fencing, or even painting a portrait of his own, he always wore the same smug smile, oozing with notions of superiority.
Lina took a long look at one of the innumerable portraits and sighed forlornly, feeling her heart break a little more. She’d lost her Gourry, the only man that she’d ever loved; ever would love. As the prince, it was Zangulus’s right to choose whomever he wanted as his bride. Thankfully for him, he’d arrived at an opportune time. Under normal circumstances, when the prince had come to the door claiming her as his bride, she would have laughed haughtily and kicked his ass to the curb before you could say, “Dragon Slave.” But, since losing Gourry, there’d been no real reason to fight. So, she’d meekly obeyed Zangulus, following him to the palace like a well-heeled dog. Despite the fact that he’d sworn to care for her, she did not love him.
“I mean, sure he’s rich, powerful, and kind of handsome,” Lina whispered thoughtfully. “But he’s so arrogant and he doesn’t know the first thing about how to treat a lady.” Saying that brought back memories of her farm boy again. He’d been so kind and loving. On top of that, he was always so patient with her, even when she felt the need to blow him away with a spell, which was more often than she cared to admit.
Speaking of spells, blowing up the room in a grandiose manner was starting to look incredibly appealing. And since Zangulus blew his top every time Lina did something along those lines, it meant that it was about time for a ride. She snatched up her cape while muttering, “Stupid Zangulus,” and hastily made her way out to the stables.
A few minutes later, Lina was riding hard and fast, putting the palace behind her. As it dwindled in the distance, so too did her ill mood. Riding was the one thing in life that still brought her joy. Mostly because a well dressed lady astride a powerful steed made quite an enticing target for bandits. And she loved nothing in life anymore except bringing misery and death to bandits.
“There’s some volunteers now,” Lina said with a wicked grin. A pair of shady looking figures stood beside the road flagging her down. These guys were so obviously rogues. Tugging hard on the reins, she made what she hoped was an incredibly cool and dramatic entrance. The horse reared back on its hind legs whinnying loudly as she formed a fireball in her right hand. “Time to die, bandit scum!” she said with a maniacal laugh.
“Wait Miss! We aren’t bandits!” a frightened voice implored.
“Oh?” Lina said curiously. She lowered her hand, allowing the chaotic energies of her fireball to dissipate back into nothingness. She looked down at the self proclaimed “not bandits” and scowled. They didn’t look like bandits, but were certainly suspicious enough.
The man who’d apparently called out was tall and lanky with shoulder length purple hair and the robes of a priest. He carried a gnarled staff and wore a smile upon his face that Lina already decided that she detested. He had a playful look, but Lina suspected that his games weren’t exactly nice.
The priest’s companion appeared to be anything but amicable. A tan cloak, hooded and masked, concealed his features. All Lina could tell for sure was that his skin had a slightly bluish tint to it. That in itself was alarming enough, but a hilt, barely visible at the edge of his cloak, revealed that he was armed as well and skilled with the blade judging by the way he carried himself.
“Good afternoon, Miss!” the priest said, pretending to doff a hat he didn’t possess. This bit of mockery did not endear him to Lina at all. “We’re naught but lost-”
“Circus freaks!” Lina excitedly finished. “Mopey,” she said, pointing at the cloaked figure, “and Dopey,” she finished, turning her attention back to the priest. “I’m right, aren’t I?”
“Circus freaks?!” the cloaked man hissed. He reached for his sword and growled, “Now see here, you little-”
The priest reached out and grabbed his companion’s sword arm, easily restraining him. He was strong it seemed. “Zelgadis, I’ll thank you to show a bit of restraint. We don’t want to kill her just yet.” He grinned goofily and said, “Oh dear! I don’t think I should have mentioned that. I don’t expect that you’ll agree to accompany us now that I let that little tidbit slip, will you?”
Lina was working on her answer even as the priest spoke. She stood in the stirrups, drawing chaotic energies into her body. “Darkness beyond twilight…” she intoned. The horse probably wouldn’t make it, but Zangulus had lots of them. Kidnappers were just what she needed to blow off steam. “…and crimson blood that flows. Buried in the flow of…”
“Hammer of Justice!”
Startled out of her incantation, Lina glanced up just in time to see a fist come down on her head. Then, there was a brief flash of pain and everything became dark.
Zelgadis winced at the sound of the impact and had an almost regretful look on his face as Lina began to tumble from the saddle, quite unconscious. That didn’t stop him from stepping back so she didn’t land on him though. “I’m surprised, Amelia,” he said with a quiet whistle. “Hitting your opponent from behind?”
The raven-haired girl knelt next to Lina to see if she was okay before looking up at Zelgadis with a perky grin. “Well, you know…” she said embarrassedly. “All’s fair in the name of Justice.”
“Fine work, Amelia!” the priest said, clapping his hands in admiration. “And Zelgadis, an excellent job of standing there scowling menacingly. I knew that I’d hired you for some reason.”
“I’m a swordsman, Xellos,” Zelgadis replied resignedly. The priest never missed an opportunity to mock him. He laid a hand on the hilt of his sword and growled, “If you want her dead, I’ll kill her, but I’m not going to demean myself by wrestling an unarmed girl to the ground. So, get off my back!”
“No!” Amelia protested, protectively draping her own body over Lina’s. “You can’t mean that, Mister Zelgadis! You wouldn’t kill a defenseless girl, would you? Even if she is a villain!”
“I believe that you’ll find that she’s hardly as defenseless as you might think, Miss Amelia,” Xellos muttered thoughtfully as he tucked a scrap of blue fabric under Lina’s saddle.
“What’s that?” Zelgadis inquired.
“Oh Zelgadis! That, of course, is a secret!” Xellos’s attempt to rile the chimera up was richly rewarded as Zelgadis began to curse up a storm. “A scrap of cloth from the uniform of a member of the Elmikia military,” he said loudly, trying to be heard over Zel’s profanities. He swatted the horse on the rear with his staff sending it back in the direction of the palace. “When Prince Zangulus finds it, he’ll think that his beloved was kidnapped by Elmikia. When he finds her de-” Grinning, he winked at Amelia. He’d almost let it slip. “When he finds her unconscious, but totally unharmed on the Elmikian border, his suspicions will be confirmed.”
Amelia beamed at Xellos, earning an ill looking smile for her efforts. At least someone understood that it was unjust to kill people with no good reason. “Why do you want the prince to think that Elmikia took her?” she asked after a moment of thought.
“Well, isn’t it obvious?” Xellos asked with a cruel chuckle. “We’re going to start a war!” He snapped his fingers as if just recalling something important. “Oh my, it certainly wouldn’t do to forget that…” He began to rummage about in his satchel while muttering, “Now, where did I put that thing?”
“Oh dear,” Amelia whispered, exchanging a concerned look with Zelgadis. “Mister Xellos, do you really think that’s the right thing to do? A lot of people might get hurt in a war.” She shook her head sadly and whispered, “I… I just don’t think it’s right.”
“Here we go!” Xellos said with a grin as he produced a simple iron circle from within his bag. He mumbled some words under his breath and the circle split into two identical pieces. These he placed around Lina’s neck where they magically became one again. “That should take care of our guest’s more… destructive talents,” he said with a satisfied smirk. “As for you,” he said, scowling at Amelia, “if you can think of a better way to wipe out the evil and totally unjust Elmikian Empire, I’d love to hear it. Besides, I don’t pay you to have an opinion. Pick her up and take her to the wagon.”
“But, she’s heavy!” Amelia protested as she struggled to lift Lina.
Xellos sighed irritably and asked, “Why’d you respond to my ad? I specifically asked for a heartless sorcerer swordsman and a giant for this job. Why did your resume say that you were a giant?”
Amelia smiled proudly. “Because I have a giant sized heart,” she proclaimed. “Just like all true allies of Justice!” She yelped helplessly as her legs buckled under Lina’s weight. A moment later, she was thoroughly entangled with the redhead on the ground.
“I had to ask,” Xellos muttered darkly, making a mental note to conduct face-to-face interviews before hiring lackeys from this point on.
Zelgadis wore a contemplative look upon his face through the entire exchange and finally spoke up. “I agree with Amelia.” His face reddened slightly at the sight of Amelia’s grateful smile. “There’s no reason to kidnap this girl.”
Xellos flung his hands up helplessly. “And now the laconic swordsman decides that he needs an opinion as well! How lovely!” He leaned forward until he was nose-to-nose with the chimera and smirked. “What happens to her is not your concern. Need I remind you that when I picked you up you were wandering aimlessly, without purpose?”
“I do not ‘wander aimlessly’. I knew exactly where I was going and what I was doing. I was looking for a cure to my condition,” Zelgadis growled.
“You were haggling with the local apothecary over some hand lotion!” Xellos retorted.
“He said it had skin softeners in it,” Zelgadis grumbled, running a hand over his stony features. “I just thought…”
Shaking his head in a disgusted manner, Xellos turned away from Zelgadis and headed for the carriage. “If you want to abandon the plan, explain to Prince Zangulus why you attacked his betrothed, and go back to mugging people for skin cream, then be my guest. I don’t have to tell you where your cure is. And I certainly don’t have to tell you where the sorcerer that did this to you resides.”
Zelgadis glared at the priest’s back with such fury that it was a wonder that the purple haired trickster didn’t burst into flame where he stood.