Only By Fate
* So I woke up. Played Oblivion till about ya know like 1 oclcok, then played streethockey which was fun. And then the party from like 5-11. We played poker, whatched many a video (Preachers, matrix farts, balloons and sean connery, to name a few.) And played Mortal Kombat, killing the Bacon-face (who was in a neck brace and therefore unable to attend). I think mike may be a TAD too sadistic.
*
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You
and the reason is You
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
*
I laffed really hard today. So hard that My face hurt once i was done XD So did the rest of them but thats not the point. AN ALbum COVER!!!! XD WhhhOOOAAA!! Also, tho I'm tired right now, I'm also very, very scatter brained, as my mind jumps from thing to thing to thing to thing. Theres a thousand things i could say but I guess I'll just knida sing quietly to myself the songs that have been stuck in my head all day. It's more fun telling my stories in person anyways ^.^
*
All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
*
So yeah thers not much else to say. I hope my post's don't eat your friends' page to anyone who happens to still notice my retarded posts that come every once in awhile. It's funny reading all your old journals, both livejournals and real ones. It does a number on your psyche thats for sure XD
and of course...ive been saying little things like Yicfwia to myself all day. Its like a phantom in the back of my mind. It takes alot of energy to suppress it and i never really do. Not that I really want to. Everyone knows I'd rather not be needing to think it at all. But alas, the world is never exactly how we want it, is it? *sigh* I still have hope. Is that sad? Is it pathetic? Or is it glorious? That kind of, understated, barely noticeable glory? Well everyone will say it's pathetic until it works out in my favor. IF it works out in my favor. I know she'd want me to let go completley, and be content with memories while going on being her best friend. I know everyone will tell me thats the smart thing to do. Detach so you can escape the pain of loss. But after what tibbetts told me, and after thinking hard about what it means to me, Im almost lead to believe that this kind of hope - this 'never burn the bridge' attitude - im led to beleive that maybe this is the right thing. Sadly, this attitude would only bring her more suffering in this time. So i'm left to never give up, but to do it in silence. To leave my room untouched, but never say "i miss you" or "i love you", merely smile and keep high spirits until - in my ideal world at least - she comes back. I suppose sooner or later I'll move on enough to stop feeling pain when she's with someone else. Or even just when she's single and not with me. But all of that is selfish anyways. And they say love hurts. Well, not so much when you're in it. More when you;re out of it, lookin in, at what you used to have and how much you cherished it. Everyday I wonder if she'll call or come home and say 'I love you, i'm sorry this had to happen," and the whole nightmare will end. It's sort of a fantasy every time i lay eys on her, or even htink about her. I'm sure she knows it. I feel bad for loving her so much...I shouldn't though. I should be happy I'm finally giving her the freedom she wants. Even if it does make me sad. I didn't mean for this to turn into an essay >.< but it does feel good to say all the things on my mind to a silent audience ^.^
*
Now that I've arrived here I know I'm not alone
All my friends among me tell me welcome home
But could you tell me where I might find the one I'm looking for cause her wings have arrived
*
Memories keep flashing around in my head too, and that's rough. New Hampshire and sleep, Cape cod and titanic, walking to her house with her one summer afternoon, swimming in the shallow end of the pool, playing dolphins early in the morning as the sunshine hits her and she smiles at me. Oh her smiles...those I miss. I get them still, but not the ones of love. Not the ones that invite a kiss. I'm still happy when she smiles, but I do miss the open love. I still feel her friendship, and love like ours never truly dies. But it may be tempered by...well by her XD. one memory of afterschool, after a play, getting a kiss in the stairwell and smiling in the dark at one another b4 bounding off to join our friends. The look on her face when she received her anniversary present ^____^ And the little tightening of her grip on my arm as I recited the poem I wrote for her first Xmas present. The times she held my head in her lap and stroked my hair, putting me to sleep. That feeling of 'wow, ive found paradise on earth.' ... Man, I really am glad i was in this love ^.^ even if she ends it...it was worth it to love. To feel that. I do wish I still had it though. I cannot deny that feeling. Not in the least. But if this is what she wishes, then 'as you wish,' I say. I'll keep my hopes hidden in the folds of my wings.
*
It is only by fate
that any life ends,
and only by chance
that it is mine...
and not yours.*
*
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You
and the reason is You
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
*
I laffed really hard today. So hard that My face hurt once i was done XD So did the rest of them but thats not the point. AN ALbum COVER!!!! XD WhhhOOOAAA!! Also, tho I'm tired right now, I'm also very, very scatter brained, as my mind jumps from thing to thing to thing to thing. Theres a thousand things i could say but I guess I'll just knida sing quietly to myself the songs that have been stuck in my head all day. It's more fun telling my stories in person anyways ^.^
*
All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
*
So yeah thers not much else to say. I hope my post's don't eat your friends' page to anyone who happens to still notice my retarded posts that come every once in awhile. It's funny reading all your old journals, both livejournals and real ones. It does a number on your psyche thats for sure XD
and of course...ive been saying little things like Yicfwia to myself all day. Its like a phantom in the back of my mind. It takes alot of energy to suppress it and i never really do. Not that I really want to. Everyone knows I'd rather not be needing to think it at all. But alas, the world is never exactly how we want it, is it? *sigh* I still have hope. Is that sad? Is it pathetic? Or is it glorious? That kind of, understated, barely noticeable glory? Well everyone will say it's pathetic until it works out in my favor. IF it works out in my favor. I know she'd want me to let go completley, and be content with memories while going on being her best friend. I know everyone will tell me thats the smart thing to do. Detach so you can escape the pain of loss. But after what tibbetts told me, and after thinking hard about what it means to me, Im almost lead to believe that this kind of hope - this 'never burn the bridge' attitude - im led to beleive that maybe this is the right thing. Sadly, this attitude would only bring her more suffering in this time. So i'm left to never give up, but to do it in silence. To leave my room untouched, but never say "i miss you" or "i love you", merely smile and keep high spirits until - in my ideal world at least - she comes back. I suppose sooner or later I'll move on enough to stop feeling pain when she's with someone else. Or even just when she's single and not with me. But all of that is selfish anyways. And they say love hurts. Well, not so much when you're in it. More when you;re out of it, lookin in, at what you used to have and how much you cherished it. Everyday I wonder if she'll call or come home and say 'I love you, i'm sorry this had to happen," and the whole nightmare will end. It's sort of a fantasy every time i lay eys on her, or even htink about her. I'm sure she knows it. I feel bad for loving her so much...I shouldn't though. I should be happy I'm finally giving her the freedom she wants. Even if it does make me sad. I didn't mean for this to turn into an essay >.< but it does feel good to say all the things on my mind to a silent audience ^.^
*
Now that I've arrived here I know I'm not alone
All my friends among me tell me welcome home
But could you tell me where I might find the one I'm looking for cause her wings have arrived
*
Memories keep flashing around in my head too, and that's rough. New Hampshire and sleep, Cape cod and titanic, walking to her house with her one summer afternoon, swimming in the shallow end of the pool, playing dolphins early in the morning as the sunshine hits her and she smiles at me. Oh her smiles...those I miss. I get them still, but not the ones of love. Not the ones that invite a kiss. I'm still happy when she smiles, but I do miss the open love. I still feel her friendship, and love like ours never truly dies. But it may be tempered by...well by her XD. one memory of afterschool, after a play, getting a kiss in the stairwell and smiling in the dark at one another b4 bounding off to join our friends. The look on her face when she received her anniversary present ^____^ And the little tightening of her grip on my arm as I recited the poem I wrote for her first Xmas present. The times she held my head in her lap and stroked my hair, putting me to sleep. That feeling of 'wow, ive found paradise on earth.' ... Man, I really am glad i was in this love ^.^ even if she ends it...it was worth it to love. To feel that. I do wish I still had it though. I cannot deny that feeling. Not in the least. But if this is what she wishes, then 'as you wish,' I say. I'll keep my hopes hidden in the folds of my wings.
*
It is only by fate
that any life ends,
and only by chance
that it is mine...
and not yours.*