(no subject)
You'll never believe where I was today. (I hardly believe it myself.)
I was in a place with no life and an arm's length away from death.
And, there, I lost myself only to doubt whether I had it at all. Let's just say I was talking to myself, both scared that someone would listen, and that particular people wouldn't care.
I just wanted him to be there with me and for everything to be okay.
Truth be told, I am also starting to doubt whether or not everything was ever meant to be perfect for me. I didn't ask for my boyfriend to be a douche bag, or to like him so much. Fuck, if it was up to me, I would be one of the unknown kids. Because, a) I always need to have friends, and b) there is no domino-effect drama. You know the kind: where everything leads into something and my business always needs to be spread. Like fucking breaking news, or something. It's ridiculous.
Well, whatever. I only want to make everyone happy, but, at the same time, I like it when I have some happiness for myself. I mean, c'mon! Don't you think that a dumb shit teen-ager like me would want something like that? Call me a bitch or whatever helps you sleep at night. I don't give a fuck.
So, back to the deep, symbolic shit that went on today. The one where I was at a bus-yard, a train-yard, and a grave-yard. Maybe that will help explain why I was there in the first place. Yup, just saying it will help... I think.
Anyhow, I know the reason why I was at the grave-yard--my boyfriend of two days pissed off my best friend and she now semi-hates pacifist, pushover me for not screaming at him. Hm.
But what I don't get is why I would walk around Green-Wood Cemetery as the sun was setting in the cold. Three days before my 16th Birthday. A day before I was supposed to go to Williamsburg with aforesaid best friend. Yeah, it's all weird. If you look at it, I am supposed to be a happy camper. When you really look at it, I'm not. For fuck's sake! I went fucking insane. (Look at any old map to see how big it really is.)
I really don't feel like talking about it anymore, though. What's done is done.
I was in a place with no life and an arm's length away from death.
And, there, I lost myself only to doubt whether I had it at all. Let's just say I was talking to myself, both scared that someone would listen, and that particular people wouldn't care.
I just wanted him to be there with me and for everything to be okay.
Truth be told, I am also starting to doubt whether or not everything was ever meant to be perfect for me. I didn't ask for my boyfriend to be a douche bag, or to like him so much. Fuck, if it was up to me, I would be one of the unknown kids. Because, a) I always need to have friends, and b) there is no domino-effect drama. You know the kind: where everything leads into something and my business always needs to be spread. Like fucking breaking news, or something. It's ridiculous.
Well, whatever. I only want to make everyone happy, but, at the same time, I like it when I have some happiness for myself. I mean, c'mon! Don't you think that a dumb shit teen-ager like me would want something like that? Call me a bitch or whatever helps you sleep at night. I don't give a fuck.
So, back to the deep, symbolic shit that went on today. The one where I was at a bus-yard, a train-yard, and a grave-yard. Maybe that will help explain why I was there in the first place. Yup, just saying it will help... I think.
Anyhow, I know the reason why I was at the grave-yard--my boyfriend of two days pissed off my best friend and she now semi-hates pacifist, pushover me for not screaming at him. Hm.
But what I don't get is why I would walk around Green-Wood Cemetery as the sun was setting in the cold. Three days before my 16th Birthday. A day before I was supposed to go to Williamsburg with aforesaid best friend. Yeah, it's all weird. If you look at it, I am supposed to be a happy camper. When you really look at it, I'm not. For fuck's sake! I went fucking insane. (Look at any old map to see how big it really is.)
I really don't feel like talking about it anymore, though. What's done is done.