I miss LJ
I really do. There is something about writing that I miss right now. It's like the journal entries are all in my head and I transcribe them as they happen but then I end up being too busy to actually type them down. It's where my headaches come from: the build of my emotions waiting to be expressed.
But I don't. And it hurts.
First is done this time tomorrow. Okay well plus two exams over the next two weeks, but I think I've worked hard enough to call tomorrow the last day.
I feel so lucky to be a part of that department. It really is a wonderful place, and I'm glad I'm writing that done now because this time next year I'm going to be hurting and wishing I could just leave and I'll be jaded and exhausted.
I'm forging an integral part of my life right now. Just by going to school.
It makes me sad that I'll be away from that place for five months, but mostly I'll just miss the people. But that's why the internet created facebook right?
Right.
For those of you wishing I'd done an lj cut, my apologies - I haven't written in over a month, deal with this spew.
I think I like that word a lot more than is necessary. Spew.
Very visual.
Am I making the right decisions? Have I fucked myself up irrevocably? If so I have no one else to blame (thank you existentialism and professer Langer). It's all on me. But I feel pretty good most of the time.
Which also means that I feel not good some of the time. It's a longing. A desire for more than I have - but I don't think it's greed. More like an anxiousness to experience more of my life now. I feel almost as though I'm wasting it sometimes. There is so much I want to do and I'm just not. I'm busy. But I really shouldn't be too busy for my own life now should I?
I miss her a lot, and I wish she was around to see what I'm doing these days. I'm glad to have many supportive people, but that vital link missing really gets me. It eats away at me and I feel like I can't talk about her anymore. Nobody does. She's almost been forgotten. But not by me because I still look through my envelope full of pictures of her and happier times for us when I was blissfully ignorant and having a very happy childhood free of responsibility. I just wish I could show her what I've done. I think she would be proud. I miss her praise. Without her I would not be a smidge as vain as I am. It's hard to go from someone telling you they love you multiple times per day and how beautiful and smart you are to having to try to believe it mostly on your own. I wasn't ready for that. I miss our stuff, our life, our jokes, our bond. I don't have that with anyone else and I feel like she took part of me away. How can I be so tender and jaded at the same time. Sometimes I just feel raw - uncooked meat on the plate and nobody cares to devour and enjoy no matter how delicious. Uncooked.
Very very rare.
But I don't. And it hurts.
First is done this time tomorrow. Okay well plus two exams over the next two weeks, but I think I've worked hard enough to call tomorrow the last day.
I feel so lucky to be a part of that department. It really is a wonderful place, and I'm glad I'm writing that done now because this time next year I'm going to be hurting and wishing I could just leave and I'll be jaded and exhausted.
I'm forging an integral part of my life right now. Just by going to school.
It makes me sad that I'll be away from that place for five months, but mostly I'll just miss the people. But that's why the internet created facebook right?
Right.
For those of you wishing I'd done an lj cut, my apologies - I haven't written in over a month, deal with this spew.
I think I like that word a lot more than is necessary. Spew.
Very visual.
Am I making the right decisions? Have I fucked myself up irrevocably? If so I have no one else to blame (thank you existentialism and professer Langer). It's all on me. But I feel pretty good most of the time.
Which also means that I feel not good some of the time. It's a longing. A desire for more than I have - but I don't think it's greed. More like an anxiousness to experience more of my life now. I feel almost as though I'm wasting it sometimes. There is so much I want to do and I'm just not. I'm busy. But I really shouldn't be too busy for my own life now should I?
I miss her a lot, and I wish she was around to see what I'm doing these days. I'm glad to have many supportive people, but that vital link missing really gets me. It eats away at me and I feel like I can't talk about her anymore. Nobody does. She's almost been forgotten. But not by me because I still look through my envelope full of pictures of her and happier times for us when I was blissfully ignorant and having a very happy childhood free of responsibility. I just wish I could show her what I've done. I think she would be proud. I miss her praise. Without her I would not be a smidge as vain as I am. It's hard to go from someone telling you they love you multiple times per day and how beautiful and smart you are to having to try to believe it mostly on your own. I wasn't ready for that. I miss our stuff, our life, our jokes, our bond. I don't have that with anyone else and I feel like she took part of me away. How can I be so tender and jaded at the same time. Sometimes I just feel raw - uncooked meat on the plate and nobody cares to devour and enjoy no matter how delicious. Uncooked.
Very very rare.