DGM, "Adaptation"

[unedited]

It's all over. It's all supposed to be over. But for some of them, it will never be over. And Allen didn't think he'd be one of them.

Warnings: Post-canon scattered vaguely darkfic. Features paranoia paranoia everyone's coming to get me, the almost-strangling of a small boy, implications of *gasp* HET. Non-explicit boysex.
Contains Lavi/Allen.

.adaptation.
It was so hard, and he'd never expected it to be so hard. Just going to the grocery for Cross -- never a very difficult trip; usually milk, coffee beans, and liquor, as if the man was sustained solely on liquid death -- had become a terrifying ordeal... even though his master had been so gracious as to actually provide the coin this time.

There were so many people, everywhere, all around him. They mostly ignored him, brushing past (too close) down the narrow streets (not enough room) on their own business. Some of them smiled and nodded at him, having seen him around before (but just because they were human yesterday didn't mean they were human today).

Allen had worn his Exorcist coat out of long habit. If any of them were akuma, they would know to target him.

He'd never see them coming.

He ducked into a deep-set doorway and sank to the step, breathing too quick to keep walking, to do anything but wait it out. Eventually, Cross came looking for him.

"Idiot boy," Cross said, standing over him and lighting a cigarette. "Take a day off."

"I can't," he whispered.

"Allen." Cross's voice dropped a notch, almost gentle in tone, as if he feared scaring the boy off. "The Earl is gone. There's nothing left to be afraid of."

But he still couldn't breathe easily when he was alone on a crowded street.

"My god," Lavi said, apparently involuntarily, as Allen let him into the townhouse. He was looking at the magazines and newspapers and scattered books, wine bottles and beer bottles and other assorted bottles of who knows what, women's addresses on napkins or whatever had been handy at the time. They filled the sitting room until it was difficult to make out the floor.

"I know," Allen said, sighing. "It's almost time for me to clean up this place."

Lavi gave him a sour look and then returned to his amazed contemplation of the mess. "It's all General Cross's crap, though, right?"

"Well, of course." Allen's room was a pure, spartan retreat compared to the rest of the house; he wasn't normally obsessive about cleanliness, but in Cross's London house he felt compelled to defy the clutter that had moved in over years of neglect. "I told you I don't drink."

"Drinking is the only way you'd get me to live here," Lavi muttered, kicking over a bottle with something green inside. "And you're supposed to clean this?"

Allen nodded absently, sifting through the closet looking for his coat. It was buried under a large cooler with **DANGER** marked all over it beneath a crisscrossing pattern of chains.

"You know what?" Lavi announced suddenly. "I have money. I took up a job on the side, to keep busy, and it pays better than being an ex-Exorcist. I'll spring for a maid. A professional."

"You don't have to spend money on me," Allen said, frowning.

"I'll consider it money well spent if some stranger gets eaten by something in this mess instead of you."

Now Allen scowled at him, shrugging into his coat. "Don't you dare. Anyway, I don't mind the mess. Don't worry, I'll be careful if-- when I get around to cleaning it."

He hoped that Lavi hadn't heard that little slip, and ducked his head to hide it under the guise of buttoning up his coat. It was a foolish hope, of course, but Lavi was at least not obviously suspicious when he glanced up again, and he didn't point it out either.

When it was nearly impossible to take a step without knocking something over, the mess was a fairly effective first-warning system for any intruder who entered the house.

Allen walked so close to Lavi that their arms were flush against each other, and one would've had to jostle the other out of the way in order to use that arm.

(Lavi was on his right, of course -- he hated having someone on his left side. If anything happened, he needed it clear.)

"The war is over, you know," Lavi told him softly. "We won."

Why had winning meant becoming vulnerable -- weak? Allen said in an equally quiet voice, "Is it over for you?"

It was different for the other Exorcists: they hadn't had his left eye, they had learned to be suspicious of everyone, to be ready for anything from anyone; surely they couldn't have just stopped the moment the Earl left the world. Lavi had once told him, without his usual smile, If Lenalee suddenly lunged for my throat, I'd be ready for it.

It had astounded Allen that anyone could think like that. If Lenalee had suddenly lunged for his throat, he was certain that he would be a dead man.

"Well," Lavi said comfortably, "I can't speak for anyone else, but for me?"

"Just you."

Lavi tilted his head back. "Nope," he said, cheerfully. "It'll never be over."

It was a horrible thing to say. Allen should convey his sympathies, wish otherwise, feel terrible for the life that Lavi led -- but it filled him with such an immense relief. It's not just me, he thought, and, Even if I'm hopeless, Lavi hasn't lost any of his senses. I can trust him to be watching.

"Should I -- get on your right side?" Allen murmured. Surely Lavi would be more comfortable if Allen were on his blind side, looking out for him.

There was a long pause, and then Lavi said, "It's not a big deal."

Allen smiled slightly, thinking, Then you would've said yes or no, except you know that it makes me nervous to have my left side blocked.

"No, it isn't." He fell back a pace, and switched to stand on Lavi's other side.

The redhead always seemed to prefer being on Allen's left, anyway.

"Wow, Yu, I'm impressed. You can hardly even tell that leg's fake!"

Unsurprisingly, Kanda scowled, but Lenalee spoke up before he could, saying disapprovingly, "You don't have to rub it in, Lavi. My brother did the best he could, but Yu is sensitive about it."

"I don't remember giving you permission to call me by my given name," Kanda added.

Prick, Allen thought, sipping at his tea.

Lavi was unrepentant, wheedling, "Come on! We've known each other for how many years now? It's not like I'm some stranger, or a beansprout!"

Allen elbowed him in the ribs, scowling. "What's that supposed to mean, I'm the only one who can't?"

"You definitely can't," Kanda agreed.

Lenalee mused, "Isn't it about time that dinner is done? Yu, would you mind checking for me?"

After a long pause, Kanda grunted and got up, heading out of the den. Allen watched him go; he was so used to Komui's work resulting in explosions or physical pain that it was almost surreal to think, If I didn't know about his leg, I wouldn't even notice.

Lenalee waited until he was gone to reassure him in a whisper, "He hasn't called you a beansprout in ages."

"Great," Allen said dryly.

If Lenalee suddenly lunged for me right now-- No, he could never do it. Even if he was nervous now, stiff and uncomfortable in public, always wondering -- Is it Lenalee? Could Lenalee ever turn to the Earl? Will it be Lenalee next time we meet? -- he would just never be able to react to the shift fast enough.

He glanced at Lavi, who was smiling, smiling.

"So are you kids heading back to Asia, or what?" the Bookman asked.

Lenalee shook her head. Her voice was still low when she answered, "There's no point in Yu returning to Japan -- there's... nothing left there, for him or for anyone. And I've lived here most of my life, so... I think we'll all be staying here. We were willed this place anyway."

All of them? Allen asked dubiously, "Kanda -- here? And Komui doesn't mind?" One of many things he was nervous about was the possibility of Komui leaping out from under something inconspicuous (although that was really more Lavi's trick) with a drill or a jackhammer or some other instrument of pain. And that was knowing full well that Komui was in Rome. That fear would be omnipresent if Lenalee slept down the hallway from him.

The dark girl gave a dismissive wave. "Oh, Yu is like part of the family now."

"Yeah, I'll bet," Lavi said with a smirk, and was rewarded with a bright flush before Kanda returned with a cart full of food.

"These plates are for us," Kanda announced. "The trough is for Walker."

Allen eyed the mountain of food and said to Lenalee with a fond smile, "You remembered."

"As if any of us could forget." Lavi smirked. "I bet Jerry still has nightmares."

A child bumped into them on the street on their way back, and Allen's heart leapt into his throat. His left hand flew into the boy's shirt and he was already pulling him off his feet when Lavi's hand was on his, keeping him from hefting the boy into the air.

"Hey," the redhead said lightly. "What did I tell you about harassing the pickpockets? You just need to give 'em a good scare, not rough them up."

Allen made a strangled sound and glanced down at the boy -- his eyes wide, fingers scrabbling weakly at Allen's inhumanly strong grip. He had dropped Allen's wallet in his alarm.

Oh god, he thought, his brain catching up with him, and then let Lavi gently lower his arm so that the boy could twist away from him.

"Let that be a lesson to you," Lavi told the boy, as if the whole thing were perfectly natural, and the pickpocket nodded desperately and fled.

"Oh god," Allen murmured, "Lavi, I almost killed that kid."

Lavi shrugged, retrieving the wallet. "But, see, your reflexes are better than you thought."

He felt numb, and made no objection when Lavi gathered up his left arm and tucked it under his own, as if they were a happy couple walking down a crowded London street. Passersby gave them odd and disapproving looks, but Allen only knew that Lavi would be better able to judge which of them meant harm.

Maybe all of them do, he thought. The guiltless child he had almost killed had tried to steal his wallet, after all.

"You're gonna get fat," Lavi predicted. "Your Innocence is dormant, so it's not helping your metabolism anymore."

For a brief moment he wound up thinking, Is that true, even though the Innocence is still in my arm? and felt momentarily less miserable; he said, "But I'm still so hungry..."

"Well, you're used to it now. People can get used to all sorts of things that aren't good for them."

Allen held it in until they were safely inside Cross's townhouse, although it felt like the words were crawling under his skin, twisting him out of shape until he thought he knew what it must feel like to have an akuma wear him; finally, desperately, he snapped, "I want it back! I can't stand this."

"It's not coming back, Allen," Lavi said. He wasn't smiling at all, not even a little, not even the bland, fake smile that didn't reach his eye when he thought someone was being stupid. "The Earl is gone. You atoned for your mistakes. Your cursed eye is gone."

"I'm so nervous now, all the time," Allen said tersely, dropping to the sofa. A shawl some woman had left fell off as it sank under his weight. "I n-- I need it back, Lavi. I'm going to hurt someone for real next time."

"I won't let you. I'm fast."

Allen strangled back a laugh -- with their Innocence dormant, yes, probably Lavi was faster than him, by sheer virtue of his more militant reflexes. He muttered, "I'm sorry. I know you didn't come to listen to me being neurotic." He was proving exceptionally terrible company tonight.

Lavi threw himself onto the sofa next to Allen, waving to knock a pile of books to the floor. "Sorry? This is kind of reassuring."

"Reassuring?" Allen echoed blankly, looking at him suspiciously.

"Yeah." Lavi's lips quirked up, like he was making a joke, but his visible eye was serious. "You really had me going there, but it looks like it's true what they say -- no man is an island."

It sounded like he was happy to see Allen brought down to this, reduced to almost an animal. Allen shook his head numbly. "This, this is not a good thing, Lavi! I might kill someone just because I -- because I can't stop thinking that there could be akuma around and I wouldn't know about it!"

"I told you, I won't let you."

"What if you're not there?"

The words were desperate, taut and afraid, and Lavi looked at him for a long moment, and then shifted swiftly, and before Allen could remember If Lenalee suddenly lunged at me Lavi was kissing him, a hand slipping around to cup the back of his neck and hold him in place.

But he needn't have bothered. It was just a pity kiss -- to distract him, or to make him feel less alone, or because he was just so damn pathetic -- but Allen didn't care. After a stuttering beat of his heart he returned the kiss, sliding to press close against the older boy, and he felt Lavi's breath catch with surprise. That tactile presence, sweet breath catching in his mouth, the firm tension of muscles twisting beneath warm skin, that was more comfort than Allen had even believed possible with such a simple gesture; for the first time in forever Allen thought, there's no way this is an akuma, he is human.

Lavi chuckled against his lips, and he said faintly, "That wasn't what I thought you'd do."

"Pay more attention next time," Allen murmured, reaching up for the ribbon at his neck, and then paused, looking up at Lavi. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to."

Now that he knew that being with someone might help, perhaps -- perhaps it didn't have to be Lavi. But it seemed he had caught the other boy totally by surprise. The redhead stared at him blankly. "Do -- wait, what?"

Allen let out an impatient breath and pulled the tie loose, then shifted to straddle Lavi's lap.

"Holy..." Lavi started in a whisper, but it choked off into a sudden groan as Allen ground down with his hips; both of them moaned, Allen softer and breathier, as the suggestive friction woke something in them. "F, fuck, you've done this before?"

"Do you want me to stop?" Allen murmured, ignoring the question -- neither of them really cared about that right now. "I will."

Lavi laughed again, still unsteady, but he finally settled his hands on Allen's thighs; he said, "Definitely not. You have no idea how long I've wanted this."

Which was a surprise, but Allen still didn't really care enough about that to talk about it -- not right now, when he was just starting to ache so wonderfully and he was forgetting, forgetting to be afraid and to think. "Then," he said, "you should've done something about it much sooner."

Lavi murmured into his hair, "I'd know if you were an akuma."

They were still tangled up on the couch, a light sheen of sweat drying against bare skin; if Cross came home, he would doubtless have something extremely scathing to say (although he had been known to bring home pretty boys himself once in a long while), but since he wasn't home already and it was nightfall, he probably wouldn't be coming back at all.

"...Oh." Allen closed his eyes, breathing in Lavi's scent and thinking about Lavi killing him, or something that looked like him. It was unnerving. He couldn't imagine it would be less unnerving for Lavi.

"But--"

Something about Lavi's tone warned him that the Bookman was troubled. Allen looked up at him. His visible green eye stared up bleakly at the ceiling.

"--I don't think it would do me any good," Lavi said slowly. "I don't think I could kill it."

What-- Allen rolled and got up on his elbows, frowning down at Lavi. "You couldn't... why? When you were in Rhode's dream..."

Lavi wound both arms back to pillow his head, and he said, "I didn't hurt you in the dream. It was a different me."

Lavi, Allen determined, made no sense, but they had never really talked about the past. Lavi never seemed to want to, and Allen honestly did not care -- it couldn't possibly change the person that Allen knew now, whatever he had been or done in the past.

The older boy continued doggedly, "And you don't know what it took before I could bring myself to stab you, even knowing that if it wasn't Rhode, it was just ink, and even the ink was already dead and I couldn't possibly hurt you anymore. That's why I think... if you turned into an akuma I'd know right away. Maybe even if you were the soul of the akuma. ...But I couldn't kill you."

Allen curled a little into his side, studying his face. "Even back then?" was all he said.

Slowly, Lavi grinned, although it was a lopsided, self-deprecating sort of grin. "Yeah," he said. "I guess now you do know how long I've wanted this. Fuck, I was really confused back then, though."

"And now the tables have turned," Allen murmured. He hadn't been confused, in those days -- everything had been simple, and he had been able to move forward without doubts, with a clear heart.

He caught himself thinking, If only we could go back to those days, and his hand clenched into a fist. No! Don't be selfish.

"But believe me," Lavi said into the darkness, "I'll be there. I won't let you become something you would hate."

This time, Allen really did believe him -- he didn't know what Lavi meant, if he meant that he would keep Allen from killing innocents, or perhaps that he would keep him from becoming an akuma, or being taken by an akuma, or something -- it didn't really matter. Lavi was one of the few people he could trust when the rest of the world was threatening, and he knew that Lavi thought the same about him.

This... the way they were tangled up, naked and sticky and satisfied on the sofa in the living room... that only made it moreso. Whatever happened, happened to both of them.

So he relaxed, and murmured, "I won't let that happen to you, either."

Slowly, Lavi's head lowered, until he brushed a soft, grateful kiss over the top of Allen's head, barely felt.