DGM, "Safe Havens"
After the battle, Lenalee doesn't want to be alone with her thoughts.
Warnings: Going to immediately be made AU. Spoilers up to current chapters. Strange, possibly unorthodox het pairings. Cowardice is called into question, rudeness is attempted and failed, and there is a tiny bit of brother-obsession.
.safe havens.
The East Asia branch was so much larger than headquarters -- Allen had told her that, and Bak and Wong during their visits to HQ -- but it hadn't really meant anything until she was here, walking underground in an arched hallway with the ceiling so high above that Lenalee got dizzy if she leaned back far enough to see it. Her footsteps were silent in the vast, echoing chamber, and it was late enough that everyone had retired: exhausted from the defense and subsequent repairs to HQ, sick and tired in body and heart.
Lenalee should be one of them, but she felt restless, energized, despite her weariness. Perhaps it was the way she couldn't feel pain anymore, for the first time since she'd set sail to Japan. She could hardly even feel her bare feet touching the ground.
She found herself in front of the room Kanda had been given.
It wasn't hard to imagine Kanda's reaction when he found her knocking on his door in the middle of the night: a flat stare, harsh words ("what the hell are you doing here?"), and a command for her to get back to bed already. That was his usual reaction to unwanted company, anyway. Lenalee wondered if he'd think she was a coward for seeking him out; but then, he'd probably think she was a coward if she didn't just knock already.
So Lenalee steeled her shoulders and she did.
After a beat, something hard hit the door with an angry clunk, and she flinched reflexively. It sounded like a boot. Lenalee scowled and knocked again, harder.
Kanda opened the door a minute later, and did not look surprised at the identity of his visitor. He was clad only in loose pants, and his hair was down and slightly tangled from sleep.
"Did I wake you?" Lenalee said hesitantly.
"I am not nocturnal," was all he said.
"...sorry."
But he stepped back mutely, one hand on the door while he waited for her to take her cue and head into the room. Lenalee flashed him a quick smile and slid past him. Her candle was the only light in the dark room, but a quick look around reassured her that it was spartan, barely furnished, as if no one had lived here until Kanda moved in earlier that night -- although that was how his room back at HQ looked like as well.
Kanda shut the door behind her and leaned against it, arms folding over his lean chest. "You're not still hiding from Leverrier, are you?" he said, a scowl lurking at the edge of his features -- any misstep now and it would bloom across his face like an unfriendly flower.
She would have liked to make a big show of her indignation at that assumption, but he knew her too well, he wouldn't believe a word of it. Instead she said softly, "No, it's not about him."
It's someone else.
Lenalee was hiding from her brother. If she went back to where she was sleeping, she would lie in bed, awake, all night, thinking of his broken tone when he had begged her not to join the battle, the mixed wonder and despair when the Innocence had finally activated inside her. He would be there in her room, as if he were staring straight at her with his gaze shuttered like a stranger's.
Surely Kanda had seen the look Komui had given her, too. She expected him to bring it up, to just know the way he always seemed to know, but his posture relaxed slightly, and he pushed himself away from the wall, moving past her towards the bed. "Good. No one who can fight against a Level 4 akuma should be afraid of a pencil-pushing egomaniac."
No sign of unease now from him. Did he really not notice? she wondered. Maybe no one had noticed. That didn't make her feel any better, though.
"I heard that you saved my brother," she said, softly, testing the topic a little further.
Kanda only grunted in response, and then said grudgingly, "You saved him. I only kept him alive until you could fight."
Lenalee smiled a little in spite of herself. "Thank you for that, then."
"I didn't do it so you'd thank me," he said critically, running a hand through his hair.
"But I want to thank you. So there."
She could feel him struggle to find a dignified response to that, and she grinned.
Finally Kanda just said, "I don't want your thanks. Is that all you came here for?"
Lenalee's smile faltered, and she toyed with her fingers uneasily. What she had come here for... He made it seem so silly and childish when he said it like that, like she couldn't have come without some significant purpose. "I, I don't know. Maybe I just... have been running away again. I hate today." Hated Innocence, hated the way she felt like she walked on air, hated thinking about what Komui must be going through, with a gash in his neck left by an akuma and a wound in his heart left by his sister.
She should tell him. If Kanda didn't know, then maybe he should, if she wanted him to do anything about it. She wound herself up, trying to find a place to start talking, trying to brace herself so that she didn't start crying halfway through, and then suddenly Kanda said, "If you want to stay here for the night, just say so."
Startled, she stared at his back, but he was still perfectly unmoving, facing away from her. Slowly Lenalee smiled. "Can I stay here for the night?" she asked serenely.
He tossed his head, hair twitching all down his back, and said loftily, "If you insist."
It was wholly inappropriate and Komui would probably burst into flames; moreso if he knew that it wasn't the first time. But Lenalee was already feeling better as she stepped closer and slid onto his bed, bringing one leg then the other up onto the sheets, and he waited until she was settled before he followed suit, lowering himself to the mattress. Lenalee edged closer and slipped an arm around his waist, curling into his chest, and Kanda dipped his head slightly to press his lips into her rough hair -- a chaste, sweet gesture.
She didn't know when she had started thinking of Kanda as her safe haven. It had always been Komui in the past: whenever she scraped an elbow she could run to her big brother, and whenever she felt like a monster for the things she did -- she could turn to him. He had always made it right, always known the right words to say and just the right way to smile that would make the darkness go away.
But Lenalee couldn't do that right now, not when she had hurt him so very recently. (She was always hurting him.) Instead, she turned to Kanda.
It was not even remotely the same sort of reassurance she sought from Komui; Kanda did not know the right words and he did not smile and he made her feel bad for bothering him as often as not. But his gruff distance was comforting in its own way-- He didn't treat her like glass. He thought of her as strong; he had told her only a few hours ago, when she had still been helpless.
When Lenalee was with him, she felt strong, like she could take anything. Even though she only came to him when she felt--
"This isn't running away," he said into her hair, so quiet it was almost inaudible. "This isn't weakness."
What does that make it, she wondered. Then is this...?
But the adrenaline finally began to wear off. Kanda was unconscious in only a few minutes, his bare chest rising and falling against her in a slow rhythm, and that settled her, finally, as if his sleep was contagious. Lenalee rested her forehead against his shoulder and finally, she was able to sleep.
Warnings: Going to immediately be made AU. Spoilers up to current chapters. Strange, possibly unorthodox het pairings. Cowardice is called into question, rudeness is attempted and failed, and there is a tiny bit of brother-obsession.
.safe havens.
The East Asia branch was so much larger than headquarters -- Allen had told her that, and Bak and Wong during their visits to HQ -- but it hadn't really meant anything until she was here, walking underground in an arched hallway with the ceiling so high above that Lenalee got dizzy if she leaned back far enough to see it. Her footsteps were silent in the vast, echoing chamber, and it was late enough that everyone had retired: exhausted from the defense and subsequent repairs to HQ, sick and tired in body and heart.
Lenalee should be one of them, but she felt restless, energized, despite her weariness. Perhaps it was the way she couldn't feel pain anymore, for the first time since she'd set sail to Japan. She could hardly even feel her bare feet touching the ground.
She found herself in front of the room Kanda had been given.
It wasn't hard to imagine Kanda's reaction when he found her knocking on his door in the middle of the night: a flat stare, harsh words ("what the hell are you doing here?"), and a command for her to get back to bed already. That was his usual reaction to unwanted company, anyway. Lenalee wondered if he'd think she was a coward for seeking him out; but then, he'd probably think she was a coward if she didn't just knock already.
So Lenalee steeled her shoulders and she did.
After a beat, something hard hit the door with an angry clunk, and she flinched reflexively. It sounded like a boot. Lenalee scowled and knocked again, harder.
Kanda opened the door a minute later, and did not look surprised at the identity of his visitor. He was clad only in loose pants, and his hair was down and slightly tangled from sleep.
"Did I wake you?" Lenalee said hesitantly.
"I am not nocturnal," was all he said.
"...sorry."
But he stepped back mutely, one hand on the door while he waited for her to take her cue and head into the room. Lenalee flashed him a quick smile and slid past him. Her candle was the only light in the dark room, but a quick look around reassured her that it was spartan, barely furnished, as if no one had lived here until Kanda moved in earlier that night -- although that was how his room back at HQ looked like as well.
Kanda shut the door behind her and leaned against it, arms folding over his lean chest. "You're not still hiding from Leverrier, are you?" he said, a scowl lurking at the edge of his features -- any misstep now and it would bloom across his face like an unfriendly flower.
She would have liked to make a big show of her indignation at that assumption, but he knew her too well, he wouldn't believe a word of it. Instead she said softly, "No, it's not about him."
It's someone else.
Lenalee was hiding from her brother. If she went back to where she was sleeping, she would lie in bed, awake, all night, thinking of his broken tone when he had begged her not to join the battle, the mixed wonder and despair when the Innocence had finally activated inside her. He would be there in her room, as if he were staring straight at her with his gaze shuttered like a stranger's.
Surely Kanda had seen the look Komui had given her, too. She expected him to bring it up, to just know the way he always seemed to know, but his posture relaxed slightly, and he pushed himself away from the wall, moving past her towards the bed. "Good. No one who can fight against a Level 4 akuma should be afraid of a pencil-pushing egomaniac."
No sign of unease now from him. Did he really not notice? she wondered. Maybe no one had noticed. That didn't make her feel any better, though.
"I heard that you saved my brother," she said, softly, testing the topic a little further.
Kanda only grunted in response, and then said grudgingly, "You saved him. I only kept him alive until you could fight."
Lenalee smiled a little in spite of herself. "Thank you for that, then."
"I didn't do it so you'd thank me," he said critically, running a hand through his hair.
"But I want to thank you. So there."
She could feel him struggle to find a dignified response to that, and she grinned.
Finally Kanda just said, "I don't want your thanks. Is that all you came here for?"
Lenalee's smile faltered, and she toyed with her fingers uneasily. What she had come here for... He made it seem so silly and childish when he said it like that, like she couldn't have come without some significant purpose. "I, I don't know. Maybe I just... have been running away again. I hate today." Hated Innocence, hated the way she felt like she walked on air, hated thinking about what Komui must be going through, with a gash in his neck left by an akuma and a wound in his heart left by his sister.
She should tell him. If Kanda didn't know, then maybe he should, if she wanted him to do anything about it. She wound herself up, trying to find a place to start talking, trying to brace herself so that she didn't start crying halfway through, and then suddenly Kanda said, "If you want to stay here for the night, just say so."
Startled, she stared at his back, but he was still perfectly unmoving, facing away from her. Slowly Lenalee smiled. "Can I stay here for the night?" she asked serenely.
He tossed his head, hair twitching all down his back, and said loftily, "If you insist."
It was wholly inappropriate and Komui would probably burst into flames; moreso if he knew that it wasn't the first time. But Lenalee was already feeling better as she stepped closer and slid onto his bed, bringing one leg then the other up onto the sheets, and he waited until she was settled before he followed suit, lowering himself to the mattress. Lenalee edged closer and slipped an arm around his waist, curling into his chest, and Kanda dipped his head slightly to press his lips into her rough hair -- a chaste, sweet gesture.
She didn't know when she had started thinking of Kanda as her safe haven. It had always been Komui in the past: whenever she scraped an elbow she could run to her big brother, and whenever she felt like a monster for the things she did -- she could turn to him. He had always made it right, always known the right words to say and just the right way to smile that would make the darkness go away.
But Lenalee couldn't do that right now, not when she had hurt him so very recently. (She was always hurting him.) Instead, she turned to Kanda.
It was not even remotely the same sort of reassurance she sought from Komui; Kanda did not know the right words and he did not smile and he made her feel bad for bothering him as often as not. But his gruff distance was comforting in its own way-- He didn't treat her like glass. He thought of her as strong; he had told her only a few hours ago, when she had still been helpless.
When Lenalee was with him, she felt strong, like she could take anything. Even though she only came to him when she felt--
"This isn't running away," he said into her hair, so quiet it was almost inaudible. "This isn't weakness."
What does that make it, she wondered. Then is this...?
But the adrenaline finally began to wear off. Kanda was unconscious in only a few minutes, his bare chest rising and falling against her in a slow rhythm, and that settled her, finally, as if his sleep was contagious. Lenalee rested her forehead against his shoulder and finally, she was able to sleep.