nothing changes.
the only thing that has been saving my life lately is tuesday nights with the ladies. we have the best adventures and it's really all that can make me forget about anything. i am always tired. dropped my friday class because the idea of waking up for class at eight am is incredibly unappealing. i have somewhat permanently moved in with julio. we are working on things, but the truth is we're both incredibly stubborn and crazy in our own ways and he's too mean and i'm too sensitive which generally leads to disaster, so we'll see what happens. i woke up today feeling different for some reason. maybe because it wasn't in the mid-to-late afternoon for the first time since i've been unemployed. i feel like i actually want to do better and be better, and i don't know if it's really for him or for me or for us but i guess it really doesn't matter as long as i try. i do need professional help, as i have been reminded of so often lately, but i wouldn't even know where to begin. especially when most of the people around me just think my "problems" are stupid. well, do you know how it feels to be afraid to walk into a store alone? afraid to get on a train, or a bus? to make a phone call, drive, walk across a street? if you don't, you couldn't possibly understand. i think that's why i want to get away so badly. i would go someplace where no one knows me and i will do all of those things and i will be strong and independent and fearless. i will leave the person i have become far behind. in the meantime, i will try to become content with the life i am living (or not living at all) and wonder whether this is just another passing phase of my mania. reading what other people have written and feeling so much the same that i want to be close to them with the thought that maybe they can help. just know that if i ever disappear i'll be in a cabin in the middle of the woods on a lake far from the rest of the world, far from myself.