(no subject)
i'm getting somewhat healthy. there's still a cyst on my jawbone that has to be removed but i guess it's no biggie. at least my blood pressure isn't 170/94 anymore.
i want to get better, feel better, look better
i want to be happy.
it's just so hard when you're blind to everything but sadness &pain &anger, at least in the situations that really matter.
&it's harder when you don't know why this has happened to you, or why you ever feel the way you do, or if it will ever get easier. any of it
or how to make it easier. or if you're doing the right thing or what the right thing really is
for you or for who you love.
the financial aid department at new paltz fucked me over. i owe them close to $6000 just to get there this next semester &i didn't get on-campus housing anyway so i guess that destroys that idea. now i'm stuck trying to find a place to live, with a school nearby that i can go to. i've had a couple of offers but it's hard believing people when they say you can stay with them; i hate imposing on people.
i just can't be here anymore. i can't.
i would rather die than spend another five weeks.
this place puts me in an instant state of depression
even in my best moments, at parties, bars, "friends" houses,
driving around aimlessly, listening to good music,
even when he is here [&he makes everything better]
there is still a sadness that is overwhelming. i feel it in my bones the closer i get to the place i'm supposed to call my home.
because there is nothing here, no one--there has never been.
for a short period in time i found myself, &that was enough, but i lost it somewhere.
i think after i graduated high school, i held onto that happiness for a little while, &then it just disappeared
maybe because of the things i did.
in fact, i'm pretty sure now that i think about it that it was because of those things i did.
i lost myself. &the only way to get better is to forgive myself, &move on, but it's so much harder when other people can't even forgive you for your past, even after you've changed.
i guess life just really isn't as simple as i'd like it to be.
if i had the guts, i'd just leave. i'd go anywhere, i'd start over. i'd be whoever i wanted to be. i'd sleep on beaches, because at least there, with the waves crashing against the shore, i'd feel okay. everything would make more sense, ¬hing else would really matter. the ocean has always had that power over me.
for right now, i need to focus on myself. where to go to school, where to live, how to change
because i'm tired of being sad [i know i say it a lot but i really, really am]
&trying to hide it, or not being able to hide it
&ruining the greatest things in my life because of it.
i need to become one of those 'the glass is half full' people again.
i want to get better, feel better, look better
i want to be happy.
it's just so hard when you're blind to everything but sadness &pain &anger, at least in the situations that really matter.
&it's harder when you don't know why this has happened to you, or why you ever feel the way you do, or if it will ever get easier. any of it
or how to make it easier. or if you're doing the right thing or what the right thing really is
for you or for who you love.
the financial aid department at new paltz fucked me over. i owe them close to $6000 just to get there this next semester &i didn't get on-campus housing anyway so i guess that destroys that idea. now i'm stuck trying to find a place to live, with a school nearby that i can go to. i've had a couple of offers but it's hard believing people when they say you can stay with them; i hate imposing on people.
i just can't be here anymore. i can't.
i would rather die than spend another five weeks.
this place puts me in an instant state of depression
even in my best moments, at parties, bars, "friends" houses,
driving around aimlessly, listening to good music,
even when he is here [&he makes everything better]
there is still a sadness that is overwhelming. i feel it in my bones the closer i get to the place i'm supposed to call my home.
because there is nothing here, no one--there has never been.
for a short period in time i found myself, &that was enough, but i lost it somewhere.
i think after i graduated high school, i held onto that happiness for a little while, &then it just disappeared
maybe because of the things i did.
in fact, i'm pretty sure now that i think about it that it was because of those things i did.
i lost myself. &the only way to get better is to forgive myself, &move on, but it's so much harder when other people can't even forgive you for your past, even after you've changed.
i guess life just really isn't as simple as i'd like it to be.
if i had the guts, i'd just leave. i'd go anywhere, i'd start over. i'd be whoever i wanted to be. i'd sleep on beaches, because at least there, with the waves crashing against the shore, i'd feel okay. everything would make more sense, ¬hing else would really matter. the ocean has always had that power over me.
for right now, i need to focus on myself. where to go to school, where to live, how to change
because i'm tired of being sad [i know i say it a lot but i really, really am]
&trying to hide it, or not being able to hide it
&ruining the greatest things in my life because of it.
i need to become one of those 'the glass is half full' people again.