how?

[fightmaster]

when you stray from the path that you have so righteously upheld for so long... how do you redeem yourself? i mean, i think im startin to become the very thing i hate almost more than ne thing... and i dont know what to do about it. and im afraid to talk about it to that which watches over my life and is my very own caretaker. i dont know what to do, and can only hope that all turns out for the better and that i shall not bring to ruin that which i have toiled so long and hard for, that which i have poored blood, sweat, and tears into which are mine own. it frightens me. and well all know that it must be something of dire importance to frighten the Fightmaster and the one known as Bran Bran, and not to mention the sensible Brandon. all three have not a single idea as to what may take place if all is revealed, even when they think together. they all know what turmoil would take place, what terrible consequences that would come to realize themselves. i cannot fathom the pain it would cause to myself, nor to the governer or which was already mentioned. i cannot do anything except try to reconcile myself in the eyes of the governer and myself. mostly myself for only i know what he has truly done to us. others may think that they have a slight idea or grasp on it... but it is of no value to me. it is to mediocre and insignificant to me, their knowledge. i can only hope that he can learn so that i can learn. and so that all is not in vein and for naught. and if the governer were to find out, i could only hope it could understand in its infinite knowledge and love.

this entry is not for ne one to undestand. and i will not tell ne one its meaning, even sonia... if you can figure out what it means, then bravo unto you. but i will not tell. it is merely for me to know what it means. i only wrote it so that i could get it outta my head. im sorry to those who would wish to know what it means. i sincerely apologize. good night to all, and i hope that my dreams will not haunt me and become the nightmares of which i live through everyday now.

i love you sonia. dont let ne thing tell you different, no matter what. i love you with all my heart and would do ne thing for you and fight the devil himself if he dare think he can take you from me. i have never found ne thing i've cared about more and ill be damned if i give it up so easily. i love you, always and forever smurf...always and forever.