(no subject)
"I'm so sick of the tension, sick of the hunger, sick of you acting like I owe you this. Find another place to feed your greed while I find a place to rest."
I mean it when I say I would rather be tortured physically to my death then suffer through emotional pain. To me, emotional pain is like self-induced pyschiatric agony. It hurts, and it hurts in worse ways than the most ingenious torture devices could devise. I believe that. Physical pain is like an escape. It doesn't necessarily feel good, because admitting it in some way felt good would make me a monster, would make all that I have fought for, worthless. I will be damned before I will give in to this shit without a fight. You hear alot of shit you don't want to hear in a lifetime, alot of words you don't want to fathom, for the simple reason that if you knew what they meant, they might sink in, and if they sunk in, they might just hurt you. And up until now I thought I had heard pretty much every word that I didn't want to hear. But nothing can prepare you for the words, "You are perfect, you just don't always act like it....And I love you. No matter what happens, a part of me will always love you." Nothing can prepare you for the words, "Uncle Craig is gone." or the words, "Emma, Rachel Coe died last night." Not that I'm one to shoot the messanger, although I have been known to do just that (sorry Sean, you know I love you :) ....) but it just really hurts. It bites through all my feeble barriers, my pathetic attempts at not giving a damn. I don't fucking like it. I have pushed everyone away, and now I am at a point where I would do almost anything to feel love, to feel like I belonged, to feel like I'm not as alone as I pretend to be. I don't wanna be alone anymore....I want people to laugh and cry with and talk about my problems to without worrying about a hidden motive. I want to drop down my stupid little barriers that I think keep me soo safe and just let someone in. I want to be held and told everything is going to be ok, but the catch on that one is that I don't want to be lied to.
I'm so sorry everyone,
Emma