(no subject)

Dec 23, 2005 22:21

I feel like crying. I am so fucking fat. My scale has to be wrong. There is so much FAT around my hips and thighs. UGH. I swear I'm going to start crying.

I can barely take this.

And the guy I like flirts with every girl in the World which probably means he doesn't give a shit about me.

I'll exercise until I can't breathe and refuse to eat until it is forced down my throat. I'll be the person that I used to be, but even better.

I just want to be so light ANYONE could pick me up without complaint. I want to be the one everyone refers to as the 'skinny girl'. I want people to worry about me but I DON'T want them to make me eat. I HATE THIS!

I need to find the old pictures of me where I looked like a ghost. I need to starve myself until I am a ghost again.

I want my jeans from four years ago to fall off my hips when I try to put them on. I want to be so thin I draw attention for my beautiful bones rather than my scars. I want to believe people when they say that I am skinny.

I think I am ready to get serious about this. I am going to put all of my heart and soul into this. Whatever it takes.

Fuck school. Fuck Japan. Fuck Jon. Fuck Josh. Fuck my parents. Fuck being healthy. Fuck parties. Fuck cupcakes and fuck cookies and FUCK FOOD. I don't need you anymore. I don't fucking want you.

Ugh...
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