(no subject)

Dec 20, 2005 13:21

To get over myself I'm going to make a short-term goal. This will be according to my home scale, though. I'm still not sure if it's wrong or not.

January 3rd? (whenever the Winter break ends) - 110
LTGW - 90 (then...?)


Whenever my family goes out to eat (restaurant or person's house), I get really depressed. I'm always given tons of food (not my choice) and if I don't eat every last bite I get yelled at. Like a week ago we went to this big dinner thing at the Elementary School here, and they gave me this mile-high plate of ham and turkey and desserts.. oh God. Then there's my Stepmom right across from me, with this tiny little portion of salad. Do people want me to be fucking fat or something? My Dad ALWAYS makes me food randomly, though if he or my Stepmom even have any, it's a pathetic serving. Ugh. And then at home they'll make these huge meals of red-meat and eat tons. At that dinner I ate only some of the ham and a bit of potatoes, which did result in me getting yelled at. Seriously, I kept telling my Dad, "I don't want any dessert!" but he wouldn't listen. I refused to eat any, so he eventually gave them to someone else. He's such an idiot.

A while back I was thinking about moving out, and my friend said I could stay at her place. But at the time I was worrying about food... would I have enough money to buy food? But why do I even need food? I could buy just enough to scrape by, and become exactly who I want to be. But then again... if I left I wouldn't have a computer. I wouldn't have my own phone either, so I couldn't just call people whenever I wanted to. I wouldn't have any support from the people in my communities. I'd be so lonely.

I want to be skinny when I go back to school. I want to be even tinier after Spring Break. Agh... it's so frustrating being fat. One of my friends said my face looked skinnier like a week ago... it was funny. Actually, you can sort of see my cheek bones a little bit. I haven't seen them since 8th grade. Then again I was still a size 3/5 back then. I'm huge now. :( I wish I could be a size 2. I know that's an American size, but the number seems so perfect to me. What size are you? Two... It just sounds nice to me. Though if I ever get there, I'll probably want to get smaller. I hate having large hips. They aren't even in fucking proportion with the rest of my body. I hate it.

Yeah. That's it for now. :{

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...People are idiots. I think I am going to move out for sure. Ugh. I'll get lost in cigarettes, homework, work, and reading. Fuck you, life.
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