A Faraway and Helpless night
Kazuya opened slowly his eyes but the roaring he heard made him jump in shock. He looked around and found himself standing somewhere near a stage.
He realized that he was in the middle of someone’s concert. Nostalgia swept over him and a fade smile came across his lips. But something froze it instantly.
Giri Giri de itsumo ikiteitai kara…
“It can’t be.”
“Why not?”
He had been expecting him. It seemed that everywhere he’ll go, he’ll be with him, whether far or apart. He was now starting to accept this reality. And maybe it wasn’t that bad.
“Why are you doing this?”
Kazuya no longer believed he was in a dream. This was too real; it felt too real not to be true! And, of course, he had to blame someone…even if that someone had left him several years ago. The more to blame him, then!
“It’s not me, it’s you.”
“Don’t try to deceive me once more!” Kazuya said angrily and turned to look him. “What’s wrong?!” he asked immediately, anger turning into worry.
“Nothing.” The other one tried to hide with a nonchalant smile. He knew his time was short.
“Don’t screw with me! You’re white as a sheet!”
Although he was pleased to see Kazuya worried and fussing over him, he had to make him realize what was worth and why he came to him in a moment like this.
“Kazuya, listen. Watch.”
He couldn’t help but to submit to the other’s words. Seeing him so pale made Kazuya feel guilty and insanely worried. He didn’t want to listen or to watch past concerts, but neither did he want to see him sad or down like he was now. Or because of him. Kazuya got closer to him, ready to support him if he was going to collapse or something. He looked to the stage where there seemed to be a commotion as well in the stands full with fans. He wasn’t sure which KAT-TUN concert was; but surely one with the six of them.
Minna-san, tadaima!
And then he knew it. It was Sendai. It was the concert when all six of them were reunited. When they felt close like a family and sang as one. Kazuya saw himself and the others smiling happily and singing with all their might. He also saw himself embracing, getting giddy and touching…
“Jin.”
For the first time, Kazuya said his name. It felt like it’s been ages since he last spoken his ex-band mate’s name. It felt like he was suffocating, like something clutched onto his neck and tried to leave him without air. And then he knew why he hadn’t said his name until now.
“…hurts.”
“What?”
“Thinking of you.” Silence fell everywhere; lights faded; only the two of them could be visible in the dark. “Speaking of you.” All felt so faded and pressuring. “Saying your name.”
Jin closed the distance between them and held Kazuya tightly in an embrace. He knew and felt his pain; but couldn’t do anything to soothe him. He couldn’t anymore.
“Jin.”
Kazuya clutched Jin’s shirt and kept on whispering his name. He felt desperately in pain; he felt air being poisonous to even breathe and all he wanted right now and then was Jin’s embrace. He felt safe, calm and everything seemed alright, like all there has been bad - wiped away from his mind and heart.
“I’m sorry.”
“What for?”
“For selfishly wanting you to stay beside me.”
“I felt the same.”
“No. I didn’t want you to succeed. I wanted you to fail…I wanted you to come back.”
Jin chuckled softly and kissed Kazuya’s hair. His little turtle could sometimes be so silly and selfish that he couldn’t help adoring him more. And he understands his desires very well, as many of them were his too.
“You love me, no?”
Kazuya flinched at the word ‘love’ but gave no further reaction. He wouldn’t say it; because he didn’t believe he truly loved him. How could someone love another person while feeling the desire of seeing him fail? Of wishing to see him in despair and alone?
How can this be called love?
“No, Kazuya. Don’t think like that!” Jin whispered, tightening his embrace.
“Jin, I want…”
“I know, I know. I want it too.”
As their bodies parted, Kazuya could see what happened to Jin. Instead of the beautiful and lovely face; he now saw it as a bloody one as wounds kept on appearing. His soft and dark hair was soaked in blood, as well as the rest of his body.
Jin let his hand pass over Kazuya’s body as he silently fell to the floor. He tried to catch him in his fall, but his hands were empty…like they always were.
“Jin!”
“Kazuya.”
His name came as a whisper in the dark and endless room.
Then everything went blank.
Back at the hospital, Kazuya was having another fit. Every doctor around him was unable to determine the cause of this sudden change after they assured that the singer was stabilized and out of critical state. Yet somehow, something was happening to the singer and no one could offer answers. They could only try to not let him die.
Meanwhile, T-TUN were feeling anxious and worried to death. Although the doctors assured them that now everything was fine, seeing a pack of them rushing once more to Kame’s room, they knew something was wrong.
“Someone should call Jin.”
Three pairs of eyes fixed on Maru. Each one expressed different feelings. Which was more intense, there was only one answer.
“Why should we do that?” Koki asked; his eyes being the ones full with anger.
“Koki, not now…” Maru replied tired, as if this was a constant talk between them.
“Then why did you bring him up?!” Koki’s voice had risen with an inch; the atmosphere was tensed between them and anyone could’ve sent that a bomb was ticking.
The other two became wary and ready to interfere in case of trouble. Ueda seemed nervous, while Junno apparently agreed with Maru.
“Because he’s the only one that Kame allowed to be close to him!”
Now the words were finally said. Ever since Jin left KAT-TUN, Koki and Kazuya were the only ones who didn’t react too well at the news. Although the others tried to understand Jin’s motives; the pair of them shut out everything related to him. The only difference between them was that Koki enjoyed taking Jin’s place, while Kame remained silent and deaf at any attempt of the subject called ‘Jin’.
“And what if he was the only one?” Koki replied, clenching his fists. “It’s not like he’ll make him feel better or cure him on spot, is it?” he added ironically.
“He has a right to know.” Junno interfered, hoping that Koki would understand.
“He lost it the day he threw us away!”
After this remark, the four of them remained silent. The atmosphere stiffened and each one of them knew that at a certain moment, everyone thought the same.
Koki was right in a way…
Kazuya was falling once more. This time he was afraid, he felt the air hurting his skin, almost peeling it off. He heard screams of pain and despair and he was afraid to admit those were his. He tried to catch onto something; he tried to stop himself from falling. Because…because he knew that at the end everything would perish. He would not see once again the sun’s light, he will not laugh with his friends and band mates, he would no longer hug his family, he would…no longer hear, see or touch his precious one.
“No!”
Abruptly, everything ended.
Kazuya fell into a sea of people, everyone unaware of his sudden presence. As he opened his eyes, he felt his thundering heart happy to be beating once more. He rose up and looked around him. This scene was different from the others, but nonetheless related to his life. He was standing in the middle of a studio while everyone was hurrying to do their jobs as a certain show was having place. There was laughter and teasing, there was acceptance and belonging to something. Kazuya hurried to the scene where all this was happening.
<< Akanishi-kun, do you have a preference or something like that? >>
<< The type of girl I prefer? >>
Kazuya’s breathe stopped for a second.
<< Nope. Not girls. Be a bit more serious. >>
Kazuya’s lips curved a little as he realized where he was and what was happening. It was an episode from Cartoon KAT-TUN; the one in which he and Horikita Maki-san had a cooking competition. He remembered the tense feeling he had as he was cooking. Also, how the teasing of his band amused and annoyed him at the same time. It had been a happy and funny moment back then, they felt closer than before. Or has it been only him?
This thought didn’t get far as another voice drew his attention.
<< 30 seconds left! >>
<< That’s quick! >>
Kazuya laughed at Jin’s tease, but couldn’t help still feeling like throwing with a frying pan into his head. Again, he remembered this feeling from that moment and wondered why he was here seeing what was already past.
<< Can you cut the spring onion? Can you cut it? >>
<< I can’t cut vegetables. >>
<< Don’t say you can’t cut vegetables! I can’t do everything by myself, you know! >>
He laughed once more, not really believing he was watching Cartoon KAT-TUN and getting the feeling that he was watching someone’ else show. Everything seemed so peaceful between them, everything was right. Koki’s teasing, Maru’s MC, Ueda’s helplessness, Junno’s lame, yet funny jokes and…Jin’s remarks. Everything seemed…
“Whole?”
Kazuya turned around and saw Jin standing beside him. He was alright again, all that horrible and bloody image of him now cleared. He grabbed the older man and looked carefully at him, as if searching evident pain. Jin only smiled.
“Tell what happened back then.” Kazuya demanded, his eyes boring into Jin’s.
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because you have the answers.”
“Be damned, Jin! You got me scared and worried and all you do is playing around with me! Why can’t you tell? It’s not like everything will end or something, is it?!” Kazuya started to yell, gripping his nails into Jin’s arms. Yet the other one didn’t react at all.
“Tell me why you’re here.”
“I don’t know. I just…ended up here.” The younger one replied, looking back at the scene behind him. “This was after you came back…”
“I remember.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Argh, I so hated Koki for being so friendly with you, teasing you like he was…” Jin started looking at Koki helping a busy Kazuya, while all he could do was to walk behind them and pretend to ignore.
Kazuya chuckled, but said nothing. He remembered some of Jin’s stares directed at him and occasionally, some glares directed to Koki. It was strange how he never realized that he had seen this or that this made him feel…happy.
“Look how he was trying to get your attention!” Jin growled, eyeing the rapper.
“Jin, he was helping me.” Kazuya replied, stifling another chuckle. “Unlike you.” He added, glancing at him.
“Not now!” Jin grinned as he showed Koki annoying Kazuya with his word puns.
The younger man had no reply to this, because in that moment Koki did annoy him, but he will never let Jin know.
<< Ah, I forgot to put in the cabbage! >>
“Look how cute faces you made!” Jin complimented, adoring Kazuya’s reaction.
“Shut up.” The other one replied grumpily.
<< I forgot to put in the cabbage! >>
“Really, you’re so adorable!” Jin said, eyeing the forgetful Kazuya across them.
“Do you really want to get hit?” Kazuya glared at Jin, pouting in the same time as he hated being called cute, adorable and other girlish words.
“You can’t handle the truth, can you?” Jin replied, avoiding his fist as Kazuya turned to hit him. “Cute turtle, cute turtle, cute turtle!” he started to sing, laughing at the annoyed face of Kazuya’s.
They were acting like children, poking and teasing each other. They had long forgotten the feeling of being like this. They had missed it for so long. Yet why did they have to relive it inside a dream? Why couldn’t they be like this once more in real life? Why couldn’t they be truly together?
Kazuya tripped and fell over Jin. The other one softened his fall by protecting him with his body. No one from the studio had noticed this. Kazuya looked up at Jin to saw him smiling. His dark eyes were twinkling meaningfully. The younger one swallowed hard and tried to get up, but Jin’s hands were tightly holding his hips, not letting him go. He looked pleadingly, but Jin wouldn’t listen. He needed Kazuya to realize why he was here and why Jin came to him.
<< It’s good! >>
<< Really? >>
No one of them heard the praise and the hopefully question. They were in their world, they have left the past, the future…and they lived the present. The present in which both of them were still together. A present Kazuya preferred more than he had expected.
“Jin…” he murmured, trying once more to get up.
“Don’t you see, Kazuya?”
He saw. He saw Jin and only him. If that was what Jin wanted him to see.
“What?”
“Think, Kazuya. You were always good at this.”
How could he think when he was on top of Jin? How could he do that when he was aware of everything Jin was? Even if he wanted, he couldn’t; because he hasn’t seen or touched Jin for a long time. And now he felt him, felt his warmth, smelled him and even touched him… How could he think?
“Kazuya, I love you.”
Perfect! Now he could think all the better.
“Let me go.”
“Do you really want to?” Jin asked, his eyes being serious.
He wanted to say no, but his pride wouldn’t let him. He wanted to say yes, but his heart wouldn’t agree to.
His heart?
Kazuya panicked at the thought, wondering why would he think about love at such a time.
Love?
Now he was feeling scared. Whom he was supposed to love?
Jin?
He struggled and finally got himself up. Jin looked at him, hiding a smile. Kazuya was finally realizing what he had been denying all this time. Although he was sure that this realization would scare him, Jin was there and he would help him get over it. He would help him accept all that he was and whom he loved. He got up too and looked carefully at Kazuya’s face. The younger was trembling.
“Are you alright?” Jin asked, getting closer to him. Kazuya step back.
“Why did you come here?” he asked, looking nervous.
“Ask yourself.” Jin replied.
He had been in an accident; he had fallen from a ten meters height during a KAT-TUN concert. He was sure that he had fainted that precise moment, because he couldn’t remember anything beside…this dream. The dream in which Jin appeared. But why did he appear? Why, when he was in America and had left KAT-TUN? Why would Jin be the one to appear in his dream when they had lost contact for so many years? When he refused seeing or hearing about him?
Because…
“No!” Kazuya said loudly, looking terrified at Jin.
“Have you realized?” the other one asked hopefully.
“You’re wrong, Jin. I can’t…”
“What? Love me?” Jin chuckled, looking sad.
Kazuya said nothing. He couldn’t bring him to say it or to believe it, in the first place! It was…abnormal?
“Why?” Jin asked, feeling sadder than ever.
“Jin…you’re…!”
“What? A man? And this should stop you from loving me?!” Jin shouted for the first time, feeling disappointed of his love. “Does this really matter to you?”
“No…Jin…is…” Kazuya tried to explain himself, feeling pain that wasn’t his.
“What is?”
He didn’t know how to explain what he felt because what he felt was against what he believed. And his beliefs have always been deep rooted into his personality. Denying them would be like denying a part of himself. But rejecting the other side, the one that talked about love for another man, would be the same. What should he do? How?!
“Stop asking yourself!! Just accept what you feel, just…be you.” Jin said, grabbing Kazuya by his shoulders and shaking him a little. “When I said ‘I love you’, I didn’t mean as a friend, idiot!! Haven’t you noticed until now?!” he added savagely, wanting Kazuya to understand and to accept everything without a question.
“Kiss me, then.” Kazuya replied, bracing himself and wanting to confirm everything he felt.
Jin was dumbfounded. He wasn’t expecting this, never did once in his life. He had fallen in love with Kazuya since the younger clung onto him. He felt happy having him around and felt sad and unsettled when he wasn’t around. After his first leave to LA, he realized and accepted what he felt about Kazuya. It had been hard and a long process, but eventually he dealt with everything and were heading back to Japan to his love. But he wasn’t expecting such of a change in Kazuya’s behavior but slowly he cracked open the shell the younger one had crawled into. And he had to leave once more. He was sure of Kazuya’s feeling even if the other one never confirmed so. But fate has its ways to make someone face their own feelings.
Kazuya waited patiently for Jin to kiss him. He wasn’t sure why he asked such a thing, but something told him this was the only thing to secure his feelings and also his beliefs. Even if he trembled, even if he felt nervous as if it was a first kiss, he wanted to do it.
When Jin’s breath touched his lips, he closed his eyes. The warmth of Jin’s lips covered his, pressing softly and pleading to him to welcome him. Kazuya responded, opening his lips and letting his tongue slip inside his mouth. It was a feeling that no one could describe; it felt like nothing else; it felt right.
Jin deepened their kiss, pulling Kazuya closer to him, feeling him more. His warm, yet wet tongue slipped gently next his, their lips rubbing onto each other. It was their first kiss and it was perfect.
When they parted, the tremble that Kazuya felt at the beginning had intensified, realizing that it was because Jin got closer to him and not because of fear. He had been a fool not being able to recognize for so many years the feeling he had for Jin. And now they were apart…
“Jin…I want to see you.” Kazuya said, cuddling into the other’s arms.
“I’m here now, ain’t I?” Jin replied, caressing his hair.
“In real life. I want to see you there.”
Jin’s heart stopped for a second and he could feel the metallic taste of blood filling his mouth. It wasn’t fair.
“For that, Kazuya…you have to live.”
“I will.”
“You have to live and come to see me. Tell what you feel and tell me how you’ve missed me.”
“I will.”
“Kazuya…that’s a promise.”
“A promise.”
A light covered them while being in each other arms and they could see a beautiful sunrise. They were once again on a beach. They both knew which one was - Okinawa.
They clasped their hands and welcomed the sun together with huge grins.
Love was wonderful, no?
Back at the hospital, the doctors breathed relieved. Kamenashi Kazuya’s state has finally stabilized and this time, he had passed the critical point. All they could do now was to wait for him to wake up.
A few hours later, Kazuya woke up with something whooshing around his ears. He smiled recognizing his band mates’ voices.
“Lower your voice. Don’t wake him yet.” Maru was scolding the other three members who seemed to be talking about something.
“Guys…” Kazuya said, eyes fully opened.
“Kame!!” everyone gathered around him, their happy faces telling him that they have been worried to death.
“Why aren’t you at the concert?” Kazuya smiled, knowing already their reactions.
“You’re out of your mind if you thought we’d sing without you!” Koki began, but was interrupted by Ueda.
“We had to make sure you were OK.”
“You scared us to death, Kame-chan! Who could’ve sing! ” Junno stated, shaking his head.
“Glad to have you back with us, Kame.” Maru patted lightly his shoulder.
Kazuya couldn’t help but keep on smiling. Seeing them again made him so happy that he could never have thought this. Yet he knew something was missing. He had to ask.
“Your family just went home. Your mom was so worried that we thought she’d get hospitalized with you!” Koki said, making the others laugh. “Good thing that…” he started, but never finished. Everyone was afraid of the thought of Kazuya being no more.
“Guys…I want to ask something.” He started, unsure how to say it. He knew that it would be selfish of him, but after realizing his true feelings he couldn’t hold back anymore.
“What?” they asked curiously.
“Buy me a ticket plane to America.”
Everyone in the room felt silent and each one of them was acting weird.
“Why?” Koki asked, feeling sick. “You can’t leave the hospital yet.”
“I know, I know.” Kazuya replied impatiently. “But you’ll help me, ne?” he added hopefully. “You can get me out of the hospital and then you can take me to the airport and…”
“You want to see Jin?” Maru suddenly asked, making Kazuya blush a little.
“Well…umm, yes.” He answered, not exactly looking at anyone.
“We can’t help you, Kame.” Ueda answered gravely.
“Why not?!” he asked looking appalled. “Is it because of what happened? We can get over it, can we? I got over it, honestly!” Kazuya continued, looking pleadingly to his friends.
“We really can’t, Kame…” Junno started, but Koki cut in.
“Jin will be coming back home.”
“Really?!” Kazuya asked hopefully. “Don’t tell me you called him and told that I had an accident?!” he then asked, with a scolding look.
The four of them looked nervous. No one said a word and they kept glancing at each other.
“What?” Kazuya asked, this time worried.
Maru and Koki exchanged a look. Koki nodded and Maru stepped in.
“Kazuya…Jin, he…”
…died.
I found out that while I was in hospital, Jin had had a car accident and that the ambulance he was in never got to the hospital. He died on the way, with no one close or dear next to him.
I never had the chance to tell him what we promised. I never got to tell him my real feelings. I couldn’t keep our promise. Because I know now for sure that it hadn’t been a dream state induced by a coma; it had been real and Jin had come to me to make me realize.
I was the last person of whom he thought about. Like he was the person I’ve thought about.
We were such fools.
He loved me while I loved him too. And now we’ll never get to see our love fulfilled.
Because our love only had a faraway and helpless night.
I love you.
I miss you.
Goodbye.