Terrified to immobility
I am so afraid. Of everything. Of it all. Of people. Of failing. Of trying. It is so hard that I am reduced to utter stillness. It is so frustrating to have to psyche myself up just to leave the house. I seem to be incapable of the simplest of tasks. Getting my new glasses was an ordeal only in my mind. The actual process was pleasant and quite easy. In my mind everything becomes everest. In my mind I am afraid to the point of accepting Anything as long as it requires little to no effort. It isn't laziness though I am an extremely lazy man, it is this fear of losing control. In my illness I have acted at times very irresponsibly, taking small slights and inconveniences as personal insults. I have overreacted intensely at times and not been aware of the scale of my inappropriateness until long after the events have transpired. An example. I have at times a severe panic reaction to certain stimuli and places. Loud noises. People acting overly strict or unpredictable. Enclosed spaces. Stores with no direct line of sight to the exit. My panic attacks were quite severe once. They have gotten quite a lot easier to deal with. In san Francisco I went into a safeway to shop and they had closed the exit doors to cut down on theft. The aisles seemed too close together. I began to lose control and panic. I left my cart and ran from the store. The only exit was a fire door. Three security guards followed me yelling that I had stolen something. They chased me through the parking lot. This increased my anxiety and I actually got into a fistfight with all three of them. I fought them off trying to explain that I was having a severe panic attack and that I had stolen nothing. They did not believe me. I have no idea how I was able to fend off three larger men without incurring any injury. I ran away. I had done nothing wrong technically. I just lost control of myself. Being a pedestrian in San Francisco can be quite dangerous. I have been hit and nearly hit so many times when I was following the signs and using the crosswalk that I began to feel persecuted by traffic and felt cars were trying to kill me or just not paying enough attention to avoid me when I was legally crossing the street. I began to slam on doors and windows of cars that threatened my safety. Quite dangerous, nearly arrested and got into a serious fight where my head was slammed onto the pavement. I was living in the tenderloin at the time so I always carried a knife. I had to pull it out on the guy that smashed my head to the concrete. The cops came by five seconds after he drove off and almost arrested me. But ended up letting me go after taking my knife. This wasn't glamorous or hardcore. It was my inability to distinguish being targeted for attack which I was often and people just being stupid lazy or inattentive. I carried a knife for two years and pulled it out many times for my safety or to avoid attacks. Eventually I realized it was much safer to not have a weapon. But this took many life threatening events for me to get this lesson. I had guns pulled on me, knives pulled on me, crazy people following me with unknown and strange intents. San Francisco is a crazy place, a crazy making place. I suppose that depends on where you live and where you go. I never felt at home there. Always an alien. Always a stranger. Always getting into trouble somehow. I made poor decisions. Sometimes I just became confused about social norms and overreacted. I have been back since and somehow even though I felt once that it was my city. It seemed to have lost its charm for me. I feel like I could never live there again. Hopefully denver will work out better.