(no subject)
When I first started this blog in 2001 or 2002 I posted publicly. I was moving through a transition in life and needed to "shout into the void" in the hopes others would hear me and join me on a journey I felt very alone in up to that point. In recent years I have been blessed to build and nurture a tribe of people whose presence in my life reminds me I am not alone. Since then I switched to friends-locked posts. Now I find myself needing a space where I can publicly, anonymously voice my feelings as I move through another transition: middle age.
After spending much of my life longing to be in the thick of things I now find I am unimpressed by society. The trends alienate me. If I am not careful they feed shame over my size, my age, my complexion, my hair, the shape of my head, the changing contours of my face. Then words about my appearance, even well-meaning ones, hurt. When my partner playfully says I have "beady little eyes", I hurt. When my partner lovingly pats my fat belly, I hurt. To my surprise I am nearly as insecure now when it comes to my appearance as I was as a teenager. I dislike society for what it did and continues to do to my sense of self. It has fed the inner voices which make me feel uncomfortable in and unhappy with my own precious skin.
But I am relieved to discover the best parts of society are found outside of the trends. It's what my tribe does in their daily lives to uphold truth, justice, and common decency. It's a Style Like U video featuring Tarriona "Tank" Ball in which she calls out how society feeds the insecurities of black, thick women. It's non-famous, independent artists who do their thing with excellence. It's people over 40 being joyful, playful, passionate, and vulnerable. It's every way in which my cohort sees, values, and celebrates ourselves in a society which acts as though we are invisible at best and an impediment to progress at worst. That is what keeps me plugged in to life even as I check out of the trending social scene by not ingesting their output, resharing their content, or begging for inclusion in their social circles.
It may be a self-fulfilling prophecy: because I am not included or represented in the ways I want, I am withdrawing, which makes it less likely I will be included or represented in the ways I want. But I should not have to beg for inclusion when, for the most part, I can go elsewhere and have my social needs met just as well. Representation matters, but if it feels like begging I need to not do it.
After spending much of my life longing to be in the thick of things I now find I am unimpressed by society. The trends alienate me. If I am not careful they feed shame over my size, my age, my complexion, my hair, the shape of my head, the changing contours of my face. Then words about my appearance, even well-meaning ones, hurt. When my partner playfully says I have "beady little eyes", I hurt. When my partner lovingly pats my fat belly, I hurt. To my surprise I am nearly as insecure now when it comes to my appearance as I was as a teenager. I dislike society for what it did and continues to do to my sense of self. It has fed the inner voices which make me feel uncomfortable in and unhappy with my own precious skin.
But I am relieved to discover the best parts of society are found outside of the trends. It's what my tribe does in their daily lives to uphold truth, justice, and common decency. It's a Style Like U video featuring Tarriona "Tank" Ball in which she calls out how society feeds the insecurities of black, thick women. It's non-famous, independent artists who do their thing with excellence. It's people over 40 being joyful, playful, passionate, and vulnerable. It's every way in which my cohort sees, values, and celebrates ourselves in a society which acts as though we are invisible at best and an impediment to progress at worst. That is what keeps me plugged in to life even as I check out of the trending social scene by not ingesting their output, resharing their content, or begging for inclusion in their social circles.
It may be a self-fulfilling prophecy: because I am not included or represented in the ways I want, I am withdrawing, which makes it less likely I will be included or represented in the ways I want. But I should not have to beg for inclusion when, for the most part, I can go elsewhere and have my social needs met just as well. Representation matters, but if it feels like begging I need to not do it.