(no subject)
apparently I'm done with classes forever, and all I have to do are my finals. 2 papers and 2 finals...i'm not sure if it'll ever get done though, for I keep screwing myself over, I just want it to be over and not have to freak out every moment, because I can't do anything right. I'm not even sure if I'm even going to finish at this point, its so embarassing, I just want to give up and concede, I never should have tried in the first place, maybe I'm starting to learn my limitations, and that I really can't do what I thought I could, it sucks, but its more than likely true.
maybe its all subconscious, I'm trying to fail so I'll stay in school forever, I don't want to do that, but right now, after I'm done this week, I have absolutely nothing going, besides the trips, but then I'm in complete limbo. What am I going to do? who knows? I wish I did, I hate feeling like this, and its been going on for too long. I want a replay, or do over or something, anything other than feeling like I'm completely worthless and have nothing to show for myself, this sucks, what sucks even more at the moment is having an emotional breakdown in the jschool lab room (real classy). I wish I could just disappear from myself for a while, then maybe I'd know what I 'm going to do, where I'm going to live, besides the alley behind a dumpster, which is the most plausable one at the moment. I hate this feeling, feeling so alone, which is absolutely ridiculous, I know I'm not and I know there are people around me, being nicer to me than i know i deserve...I apologize, I'm being a terrible person right now, I'm sorry I'm not better, I'm just pathetic, and hopefully will change, so that everyone else gets what they actually deserve, instead of me getting sympathy when I really don't deserve it. I should probably just try to breathe, although at the moment, I'd rather see how long I can hold my breath more, hopefully forever.
it'll work out in the end somehow, it always does to some degree, I just hate the inbetween stages and am incredibly melodramatic about it.
maybe its all subconscious, I'm trying to fail so I'll stay in school forever, I don't want to do that, but right now, after I'm done this week, I have absolutely nothing going, besides the trips, but then I'm in complete limbo. What am I going to do? who knows? I wish I did, I hate feeling like this, and its been going on for too long. I want a replay, or do over or something, anything other than feeling like I'm completely worthless and have nothing to show for myself, this sucks, what sucks even more at the moment is having an emotional breakdown in the jschool lab room (real classy). I wish I could just disappear from myself for a while, then maybe I'd know what I 'm going to do, where I'm going to live, besides the alley behind a dumpster, which is the most plausable one at the moment. I hate this feeling, feeling so alone, which is absolutely ridiculous, I know I'm not and I know there are people around me, being nicer to me than i know i deserve...I apologize, I'm being a terrible person right now, I'm sorry I'm not better, I'm just pathetic, and hopefully will change, so that everyone else gets what they actually deserve, instead of me getting sympathy when I really don't deserve it. I should probably just try to breathe, although at the moment, I'd rather see how long I can hold my breath more, hopefully forever.
it'll work out in the end somehow, it always does to some degree, I just hate the inbetween stages and am incredibly melodramatic about it.