"Now do you think you're too damn good for the killing kind!"
Well i have re-discovered Believe, the first Disturbed album i got. I'm loving this. It's one of those albums you put down for months and scan past when you go to put a CD on, because... you're stupid!!! And of course this album should be playing every second of every day its THAT good. i love it so much and its making me happy...
... which is good considering i had a weird weekend. It was kind of half good half bad. Friday started fine and got worse, a lot worse. Went to friend's party and in her bathroom ended up wanting to smash her mirror to pieces as i looked into it. It was really weird. I just felt like flinging myself at it and covering my hands in blood and glass. That made me feel really bad. Really down. I thought i was feeling better these days but i hated myself more than i have in a while that night. Anyway... Saturday was a bit better. Went to Sussex Uni for their admissions day and it was a lovely day. Then visited our south african cousins... who are white for all those people who think south africans have to be black! (Its crazy how many people i've met who think that! lol) anywho... that was good fun as we havent seen them in years! crazy! Then sunday got better cuz i saw sam and we went to the park and we were all happy. Then sunday night went downhill again. I got to work in a reasonable mood and after 5 minutes (literally) i felt so horrible i got that choking feeling in the back of my throat and it felt that i would throw up if i didnt just cry. So that was lovely. And to top it off i had one person telling me to 'smile' in the most sarcastic voice ever throughout the evening, as if im not allowed be down because that person had a headache and was OBVIOUSLY feeling SOOOOO much worse ¬¬ Dont get me started on that.
Oh... and another bad thing... we had a revalation on saturday that the maintenance grant for uni is based on family income. Once again its an EMA situation where the poor get all the benefits because its assumed that the more well off people are getting the same amount from their parents. Bullshit. So if the more well off people arent getting much help from their parents money-wise because they're not THAT well off then they end up having to settle for the crappy accommodation because of this goddamn maintenance grant. Why is that system any better than 'stating your price' so to speak? Getting the loan you want to suit how much you're willing to pay back?! Surely they would benefit from the interest being higher then aswell?! ah i dont see the logic but yet again it's just another one of those things you have NO control over. Like death. I had a really weird thought the other week. Well... it wasnt weird... i dont know whether it would be called a panic attack but i did indeed start panicking...quite badly... about the whole 'we really are going to die' thing. It sounds pathetic when i write it now because its one of those things you say but dont always really feel. But i felt it at the time and it was bloody horrible.