son of a whore.
Well. I've gone and done it to myself now. After 7 years of being blissfully relationship free, I've gone and fallen hard for someone. Someone who is in fact shipping out for Marines basic training on the 9th of July, and doesn't expect to ever be stationed in Tampa again, it doesn't sound like. But we've only been here, seeing each other, for a few weeks, and he jumped right from a year-long relationship into seeing me so I am most likely just a rebound anyway. We don't talk about it at all. Most likely because if we talked it would go from a casual good time into something he doesn't have the time, the will or the energy for. And for me, the question is do I want to lose this now, or have a little more time? It's a very difficult question, because the longer it goes on, the harder it will be for me when he breaks my heart. I don't even know if he's expecting to break it because I don't think he knows the extent to which it is involved, and I don't know if that suits me or not. He is going to be a marine. His life is moving forward; he has dreams and ambitions. All I have is my stupid job and my stupid gigantic student loan debt and my stupid disability check and my rooms in my parents' house and my fucking neverending pain. I have nothing to offer him at all, except a bit of a good time here and there, and whatever support I can give. I might also love him, but I'm not willing to say so yet. To me, I mean. I will never say it to him. What a burden that would be.
This just kind of kills me because it is so seldom that I connect with someone on this level. I'm not like him; I don't go from relationship to relationship. I hardly ever let myself care that much. Why I allowed myself to do so now is anyone's guess. I wish I hadn't. I wish I had stayed cold. It's too late now. I feel like such an idiot. I should know better by now, damn it.
This all says a lot more about me than it does about him, I realize. He never asked for any of my drama and self-loathing. All he ever did was like me. I just needed a forum I could express the poison in my brain with no chance of him seeing it. We're facebook friends, you see.
This just kind of kills me because it is so seldom that I connect with someone on this level. I'm not like him; I don't go from relationship to relationship. I hardly ever let myself care that much. Why I allowed myself to do so now is anyone's guess. I wish I hadn't. I wish I had stayed cold. It's too late now. I feel like such an idiot. I should know better by now, damn it.
This all says a lot more about me than it does about him, I realize. He never asked for any of my drama and self-loathing. All he ever did was like me. I just needed a forum I could express the poison in my brain with no chance of him seeing it. We're facebook friends, you see.