ramble ramble ramble.
Being so alone is hard for me. God has really put me in a difficult place. I'm trying to grow and learn to depend on him more. I just wish I didn't have to do it in this way. He puts me alone, isolating me from everyone I've depended on. I know I must depend on him. It hurts me to be alone. I sit in the house, working on school work, working on spiritual growth. I talk to Jessica on occasion, and I have school. But at school I am constantly tempted to curse, use sexual jokes, cheat on my school work. I wears me out to fight off what I built up all year. I am constantly foolish. I miss Brandy. It was so good to have her as a friend. She is such a strong woman of God. She was a good role model for me as well. I lost her number to the willamette river. I'll have to put myself at risk for another fight with Jody to get the number again.
It was really good to talk to John Streans again yesterday. I miss his lessons, I wish I has payed more attention to what he and the other church leaders, and my teachers had to say. I would have more knowledge to get me through this hard time. At least I've gotten over my major depression problems.
My one pleasure these days is to put on a random love song and sing it to God. "See me through" by rascal flatts is a good one for such a thing.
Why have I gotten so emotional in the last few months. I don't think I've cried so much over nothing in my whole life. Not even when I was a baby. I actually don't think I cried much as a baby.
I miss Isidro. He is one of the few people in life that make me feel needed. I almost said appreciated but no not really. Taking care of him was nice though. Teaching him about the calandar, how to brush and floss his teeth, how to bathe himself, helping him to learn to read and finding he is just like I was when I was his age. I love Isidro so much. I even miss him asking me really hard questions like "Why did God make the world and not someone else?" How do you explain something like that to a seven year old. I can hardly comprehend it myself. He and I have gone through so much together; Dealing with night terrors, with Stacy doing drugs and him not even wanting to be with his own mother. I freaking taught him to ride a bike last summer. I remember the first time I saw Stacy pregnant with him. The first time he met Santa, he freaked out... He was so scared. The time I was helping him with his bike down a hill and we both fell in a prickly bush. And how we would go to church together and he LOVED clapping with the songs.
It was really good to talk to John Streans again yesterday. I miss his lessons, I wish I has payed more attention to what he and the other church leaders, and my teachers had to say. I would have more knowledge to get me through this hard time. At least I've gotten over my major depression problems.
My one pleasure these days is to put on a random love song and sing it to God. "See me through" by rascal flatts is a good one for such a thing.
Why have I gotten so emotional in the last few months. I don't think I've cried so much over nothing in my whole life. Not even when I was a baby. I actually don't think I cried much as a baby.
I miss Isidro. He is one of the few people in life that make me feel needed. I almost said appreciated but no not really. Taking care of him was nice though. Teaching him about the calandar, how to brush and floss his teeth, how to bathe himself, helping him to learn to read and finding he is just like I was when I was his age. I love Isidro so much. I even miss him asking me really hard questions like "Why did God make the world and not someone else?" How do you explain something like that to a seven year old. I can hardly comprehend it myself. He and I have gone through so much together; Dealing with night terrors, with Stacy doing drugs and him not even wanting to be with his own mother. I freaking taught him to ride a bike last summer. I remember the first time I saw Stacy pregnant with him. The first time he met Santa, he freaked out... He was so scared. The time I was helping him with his bike down a hill and we both fell in a prickly bush. And how we would go to church together and he LOVED clapping with the songs.