happiness... weird
so can i just say that i am really happy right now. not just at this particular moment, but happy in general. and allow me to say that it feels really good. tonight at my box meeting we had to do "warm fuzzies" and mine was just that, that i am happy. for the first time in a rather long time. i'm not stressed out beyond comprehension, i'm relatively healthy, i live with someone i actually like coming home to, i'm excited about the semester, i like my classes, i am satisfied in my relationships, i adore my friends... i could go on and on. and this feels great. it really, really does. it's such a welcomed change. i never liked being miserable, although sometimes it may have seemed like i did. but, happiness is much... happier.
so aside from all of my happiness and the overall goodness of life currently i do have reservations about something (of course, right?). i am nearly positive that i am going to leave the advisory board. oy. katie's so going to hate me. and yes, i know what i'm doing is best for me, and she can't hate me for that. but she can guilt me. and she will. and i will cave. bad ashley! so my dilemma is how and when to break it to her. in all honesty, i want to get it over with as soon as possible, so i can just get over it. and then so can everyone else. i just don't want katie or anyone else to take it personally. especially because there are so few members now anyway, they really need the extra help and all, i don't want them to think it's personal. i like most everyone on the board. i just really need to move on. i need to take the time to switch over to a single in newhouse and get used to that and things. for me, that's so much more than just paperwork. it's almost a lifestyle change of sorts. like, i have to walk out with newhouse at commencement next year. that's weird. i don't really know why, it just is for me. anywho, this whole leaving thing is going to be difficult. it wouldn't have to be, but they're going to make it so. oy.
hmmm... what else? so i really, really want to email jay and see how he's doing. pretty normal, right? well, you'd think. this required so much more than just composing an email and clicking send. this means putting myself out there. going essentially out of my way to check on him. it's saying i miss you without saying it. it's saying i'm thinking about you. and thinking often enough to be curious. an email isn't unusual or anything. it's not like i'm calling. oh no. we don't do that. as perfect as it would be, we don't do that. and then there's the whole other element of the email... the reply. wondering why it takes him so long to reply when i know that he checks his email twice as often as i do. does that mean he's not been thinking about me? he doesn't care how i am? why didn't he email first? and then once the reply finally does come, its analyzing every single word. god this is agonizing. i would never think this much about emailing anyone else. oh sweet heaven, i am pathetic.
... and to think how happy i was when i began this entry... ah well, email or no email, board or no board, i'm still pretty damn happy. hehee.
so aside from all of my happiness and the overall goodness of life currently i do have reservations about something (of course, right?). i am nearly positive that i am going to leave the advisory board. oy. katie's so going to hate me. and yes, i know what i'm doing is best for me, and she can't hate me for that. but she can guilt me. and she will. and i will cave. bad ashley! so my dilemma is how and when to break it to her. in all honesty, i want to get it over with as soon as possible, so i can just get over it. and then so can everyone else. i just don't want katie or anyone else to take it personally. especially because there are so few members now anyway, they really need the extra help and all, i don't want them to think it's personal. i like most everyone on the board. i just really need to move on. i need to take the time to switch over to a single in newhouse and get used to that and things. for me, that's so much more than just paperwork. it's almost a lifestyle change of sorts. like, i have to walk out with newhouse at commencement next year. that's weird. i don't really know why, it just is for me. anywho, this whole leaving thing is going to be difficult. it wouldn't have to be, but they're going to make it so. oy.
hmmm... what else? so i really, really want to email jay and see how he's doing. pretty normal, right? well, you'd think. this required so much more than just composing an email and clicking send. this means putting myself out there. going essentially out of my way to check on him. it's saying i miss you without saying it. it's saying i'm thinking about you. and thinking often enough to be curious. an email isn't unusual or anything. it's not like i'm calling. oh no. we don't do that. as perfect as it would be, we don't do that. and then there's the whole other element of the email... the reply. wondering why it takes him so long to reply when i know that he checks his email twice as often as i do. does that mean he's not been thinking about me? he doesn't care how i am? why didn't he email first? and then once the reply finally does come, its analyzing every single word. god this is agonizing. i would never think this much about emailing anyone else. oh sweet heaven, i am pathetic.
... and to think how happy i was when i began this entry... ah well, email or no email, board or no board, i'm still pretty damn happy. hehee.