(no subject)
so not really the best of days today. i was just full of problems. most of which, were in my head. the worst kind. the kind that nag at you all day, no matter if you're doing something you enjoy or not. yeah, it was one of THOSE days... ::sighs::
so, among the thoughts swimming around in my head, was, of course, missing the boy. i'd venture to say even more than i normally do. and i guess there's no special reason why today, of all days, was worse for me than any other. and on top of that, apparently i also made it very obvious to him, which added to my feeling bad because he's finally starting to happily settle in the city and i don't want to bring him down. i want him to not be nervous or worried about anything new and exciting he's about to embark on, let alone something that he's had to leave behind. he can't really do anything to help me feel better (although i know he would if he could), so there's no sense in him worrying if i'm okay, anyway.
my self-image was also problematic, and constantly nagging at me today. i felt uncomfortable in my clothes, with my body, my hair felt wretched, my skin felt itchy, my face felt oily...you get the picture.
today was the kind of day where i took notice to everyone around me, and especially what they had that i didn't, whether it be better looks or body, a more striking personality, a better fashion sense, or even something as simple as their head up and a smile on their face. damn them for having better day than me!
my money woes were again on my mind as well. this was fueled by yet another msn.com article. this time about the "disease" of compulsive shopping. it sounds ridiculous, but i honestly think i could have that. most times, when i find myself down, i take to shopping-- as do most girls. but this goes way beyond retail therapy... when actually in the store, i sometimes find it difficult to control myself. i buy ridiculous things like large brightly colored bouncing balls in target or a card for someone's birthday that's still two months away from hallmark or a lime green straw bag because i don't have a lime green straw bag, even though i don't own anything lime green (although, in my defense, i've never gotten more compliments about my accessories than with that insanely cool bag). ridiculous things that are relatively inexpensive at the time, but add up all too quickly-- hence my $2,000 credit card debt.
no, seriously, i'm that bad. and i've tried and tried to control myself when presented with something i'm craving, i've listened to countless lectures about my "problem" from my father, i've even simply left my credit cards at home sometimes, but i can't seem to get any better. i define "living well beyond one's means." until the bills come and i can't make the payments on my $6.50 part-time summer job, and i resort to crawling back to my father. and it's humiliating. and i still never seem to have any cash in my wallet nor any money in my checking account to pay anything off. it's a vicious cycle. hello, my name is ashley, and i'm a compulsive shopper.
sounds like a banner day in my head, right? yeah, that's what i thought, too. i'm going to go try and sleep that off now... ::sighs::
so, among the thoughts swimming around in my head, was, of course, missing the boy. i'd venture to say even more than i normally do. and i guess there's no special reason why today, of all days, was worse for me than any other. and on top of that, apparently i also made it very obvious to him, which added to my feeling bad because he's finally starting to happily settle in the city and i don't want to bring him down. i want him to not be nervous or worried about anything new and exciting he's about to embark on, let alone something that he's had to leave behind. he can't really do anything to help me feel better (although i know he would if he could), so there's no sense in him worrying if i'm okay, anyway.
my self-image was also problematic, and constantly nagging at me today. i felt uncomfortable in my clothes, with my body, my hair felt wretched, my skin felt itchy, my face felt oily...you get the picture.
today was the kind of day where i took notice to everyone around me, and especially what they had that i didn't, whether it be better looks or body, a more striking personality, a better fashion sense, or even something as simple as their head up and a smile on their face. damn them for having better day than me!
my money woes were again on my mind as well. this was fueled by yet another msn.com article. this time about the "disease" of compulsive shopping. it sounds ridiculous, but i honestly think i could have that. most times, when i find myself down, i take to shopping-- as do most girls. but this goes way beyond retail therapy... when actually in the store, i sometimes find it difficult to control myself. i buy ridiculous things like large brightly colored bouncing balls in target or a card for someone's birthday that's still two months away from hallmark or a lime green straw bag because i don't have a lime green straw bag, even though i don't own anything lime green (although, in my defense, i've never gotten more compliments about my accessories than with that insanely cool bag). ridiculous things that are relatively inexpensive at the time, but add up all too quickly-- hence my $2,000 credit card debt.
no, seriously, i'm that bad. and i've tried and tried to control myself when presented with something i'm craving, i've listened to countless lectures about my "problem" from my father, i've even simply left my credit cards at home sometimes, but i can't seem to get any better. i define "living well beyond one's means." until the bills come and i can't make the payments on my $6.50 part-time summer job, and i resort to crawling back to my father. and it's humiliating. and i still never seem to have any cash in my wallet nor any money in my checking account to pay anything off. it's a vicious cycle. hello, my name is ashley, and i'm a compulsive shopper.
sounds like a banner day in my head, right? yeah, that's what i thought, too. i'm going to go try and sleep that off now... ::sighs::