I lol'd and an epiphany.
I LOLED. 8DD
Earlier today, I had a headache, so I decided to take a walk up to Union Station. Why not? I couldn't think of anything better to do, anyway.
So I'm walking, and I'm thinking. Why am I at Gallaudet? I came here to get away from the hearing world, to be among my own kind so I wouldn't be an outsider anymore. But turns out, I'm even an outsider among my own kind. HA. So what's the point of being here, being anywhere if all I'll be is to be an outsider, to never really fit in anywhere?
Every day, I see people and say, "Hi." "What's up?". I have little conversations like this almost every day. That's one thing I don't get in the hearing world. This city is also far more accessible to me than the city where I grew up was. It's a new experience for me, being in a place where I can function fine without having to worry about how my voice sounds or if I'm understandable or if I have to worry about struggling to understand the other person.
It was around sunset when I was walking, and I was on Second Street. As I'm walking, I'm looking at the old buildings with me, which have all this rust on them but are somehow beautiful in the sunset light, and wishing I hadn't broken my camera. They were so beautiful there that I wanted to capture them, right there. But I didn't have the means. :(
Then I was thinking about sunsets and sunrises, and how sunrises are beautiful, in a good way, while sunsets are beautiful in a dark way because of what they lead to. Then that led to my thinking about DC and cities in general. I grew up in the suburbs (eww) and I was happy when I could go downtown in the city where I grew up to go to high school. I loved the city environment- I could walk among hundreds of people and be surrounded by them without having to worry about talking to them. I like being surrounded by people, but I don't like talking to them much :P
And now my parents both live in houses that are still in the suburbs, but the houses are closer to the rural side of town than urban. Ew, country. Actually, it's nice when I'm there- I love walking on the trails near my dad's house- but I don't like being there for too long. I adore the city better, for all its people. The countryside is too boring for me. XD
I was also thinking about my running away a few years ago, and how I'd essentially used Gallaudet as an excuse to get fifteen hundred miles away from home. Now I have the freedom I longed for when I was sixteen, seventeen years old. I've been struggling with it, but I think I'm learning to love it and work with it.
And reflecting on this... I also realized something. You know what? I love this goddamn city. I love how goddamn crowded it can get, and I love its goddamn smog for the pink-orange skies at night. I love everything there is to do- it's practically heaven for me, with all those goddamn museums around. This goddamn college is also great- it's my childhood dream, to be in a place around people who can understand me and who I can understand. If I could stay here for-fuckin'-ever, I would. This place feels right. I want to belong here. I have a niche, and I want to keep it.
Yes, I have to do the work if I want to stay here. And I'll gladly do the work, because I love this goddamn city and this damn place.