(no subject)
(It seems like all I use this LJ for lately has been whining. Er, sorry. I've actually had a pretty good, though ridiculously low-key, Christmas and New Year. Gifts include an awesome watch from my dad and a handbag from my mom.)
But it's 3am on a Tuesday morning, I can't sleep, and it seems like a good time for an epiphany.
And that epiphany is: I'm bored. I hate being back here.
I've been back ... 2 weeks. No, a little more than that. Touched down on Dec 21, so that means ... 2 weeks and a day. Two days if you count 3am on the 6th as a day. I've actually had a fairly packed holiday so far, if you count visiting and spending time with the family as doing stuff.
I mean: Christmas, New Year. Seeing people I haven't seen for a year. Hanging out with old friends. Watching crappy movies. Marathon House viewage (seasons 4 and 5 in two days, woo). All of that was fantastic, all of that was great.
And yet... I'm bored.
I feel so trapped. Can't do a thing without telling my parents first, because you need a car to go anywhere and to get the spare car I have to pre-arrange it with my dad. (And for the last few days, I haven't had it, because my dad's car is far more high-maintenance than I am and is continually in the workshop.) And even if I had the car, what would I do? I don't know how to get anywhere here, or how to do anything. I don't even speak Cantonese, so I do the blank stare thing a lot, and it's frustrating.
It's just so frustrating because ... well ... my parents keep buying me stuff. My dad got me a fancy watch, and I'm my mom's new Barbie doll so she's taking me shopping for handbags and shoes and clothes ... well, on one hand, that's totally cool, I love new stuff. On the other, that's not the stuff I want.
What I really want is technology and adventure and ... the former they think is completely unnecessary and the latter they think is way too dangerous for their precious snowflake of a daughter to do, and I just want to fucking scream. What do I really want? A new laptop. Maybe a Blackberry. To climb a mountain. Learn a new language. Backpack across Europe. Take boxing lessons. I dunno.
You know, never mind climbing mountains and jumping off planes, I don't even know how to do normal stuff. Stupid stuff, like chatting up strangers in bars or something. I have this stupid thing where I have to make my parents happy, and making them happy involves being a good little girl, and although being a good little girl is fucking boring, I've never really learnt how to do anything else.
I think I've done very little interesting stuff in the past four years. Or like, ever. In first year I played around in college events; second year I got very good at videogames and a few more college events; third and fourth years I studied. The most interesting thing I've ever done is jump off a plane... I always tried to be good. Why the hell did I always try to be good? It's not like I enjoyed it. Or succeeded, for that matter.
Plus listening to my parents usually ends up being a disaster because their idea of "informed opinion" is "my friend says..."
Why did I never rebel before? I think I would be a lot happier if I just went, fuck you I'm leaving you and all your expectations and inconvenient beliefs and racism and homophobia* here, but I ... can't. And I'm afraid to, I think. Yay insecurity.
So I'm bored, and trapped, and mad as hell because I want out but don't have the guts to.
Blech. I need to get back to Australia, or at least out of Malaysia, before I lose my mind. This isn't home. Home is where you're supposed to belong, and I don't; I'm not sure I ever did.
*I wish I was kidding, but my parents - and associated relatives of their generation and older - have this habit of making racist statements they think are perfectly valid, sometimes in front of members of said race. Example from the past week, at lunch: my aunt walks up to my cousin, where she's sampling some curry, and goes, "You sure like Indian food. Don't marry an Indian ok?" Cousin is appropriately appalled because, for one thing, the guy behind the counter is Indian and my aunt is completely serious. And this is a statment my brother, cousins and I have had multiple times from parents and relatives - don't marry someone who's not Chinese. Don't even date "others". Which I find frankly repulsive but they think there's nothing wrong. Then again this entire country thinks there's nothing wrong with racism, so it's perhaps not their fault.
As for the homophobia, well ... same thing. Heaven forbid any of us turn out to be bi or gay, we'd be disowned on the spot, I think.
ETA: My god, upon rereading this, I realize how utterly banal it is. Sorry, guys.
Cheer up, emo kid.
But it's 3am on a Tuesday morning, I can't sleep, and it seems like a good time for an epiphany.
And that epiphany is: I'm bored. I hate being back here.
I've been back ... 2 weeks. No, a little more than that. Touched down on Dec 21, so that means ... 2 weeks and a day. Two days if you count 3am on the 6th as a day. I've actually had a fairly packed holiday so far, if you count visiting and spending time with the family as doing stuff.
I mean: Christmas, New Year. Seeing people I haven't seen for a year. Hanging out with old friends. Watching crappy movies. Marathon House viewage (seasons 4 and 5 in two days, woo). All of that was fantastic, all of that was great.
And yet... I'm bored.
I feel so trapped. Can't do a thing without telling my parents first, because you need a car to go anywhere and to get the spare car I have to pre-arrange it with my dad. (And for the last few days, I haven't had it, because my dad's car is far more high-maintenance than I am and is continually in the workshop.) And even if I had the car, what would I do? I don't know how to get anywhere here, or how to do anything. I don't even speak Cantonese, so I do the blank stare thing a lot, and it's frustrating.
It's just so frustrating because ... well ... my parents keep buying me stuff. My dad got me a fancy watch, and I'm my mom's new Barbie doll so she's taking me shopping for handbags and shoes and clothes ... well, on one hand, that's totally cool, I love new stuff. On the other, that's not the stuff I want.
What I really want is technology and adventure and ... the former they think is completely unnecessary and the latter they think is way too dangerous for their precious snowflake of a daughter to do, and I just want to fucking scream. What do I really want? A new laptop. Maybe a Blackberry. To climb a mountain. Learn a new language. Backpack across Europe. Take boxing lessons. I dunno.
You know, never mind climbing mountains and jumping off planes, I don't even know how to do normal stuff. Stupid stuff, like chatting up strangers in bars or something. I have this stupid thing where I have to make my parents happy, and making them happy involves being a good little girl, and although being a good little girl is fucking boring, I've never really learnt how to do anything else.
I think I've done very little interesting stuff in the past four years. Or like, ever. In first year I played around in college events; second year I got very good at videogames and a few more college events; third and fourth years I studied. The most interesting thing I've ever done is jump off a plane... I always tried to be good. Why the hell did I always try to be good? It's not like I enjoyed it. Or succeeded, for that matter.
Plus listening to my parents usually ends up being a disaster because their idea of "informed opinion" is "my friend says..."
Why did I never rebel before? I think I would be a lot happier if I just went, fuck you I'm leaving you and all your expectations and inconvenient beliefs and racism and homophobia* here, but I ... can't. And I'm afraid to, I think. Yay insecurity.
So I'm bored, and trapped, and mad as hell because I want out but don't have the guts to.
Blech. I need to get back to Australia, or at least out of Malaysia, before I lose my mind. This isn't home. Home is where you're supposed to belong, and I don't; I'm not sure I ever did.
*I wish I was kidding, but my parents - and associated relatives of their generation and older - have this habit of making racist statements they think are perfectly valid, sometimes in front of members of said race. Example from the past week, at lunch: my aunt walks up to my cousin, where she's sampling some curry, and goes, "You sure like Indian food. Don't marry an Indian ok?" Cousin is appropriately appalled because, for one thing, the guy behind the counter is Indian and my aunt is completely serious. And this is a statment my brother, cousins and I have had multiple times from parents and relatives - don't marry someone who's not Chinese. Don't even date "others". Which I find frankly repulsive but they think there's nothing wrong. Then again this entire country thinks there's nothing wrong with racism, so it's perhaps not their fault.
As for the homophobia, well ... same thing. Heaven forbid any of us turn out to be bi or gay, we'd be disowned on the spot, I think.
ETA: My god, upon rereading this, I realize how utterly banal it is. Sorry, guys.
Cheer up, emo kid.