Special Delivery

[m4moony]

Date: Wednesday, 14 February, 2001
Time: Gifts Delivered at Intervals during the day, beginning at breakfast and ending just after final curfew
Location: Hogwarts
Rating: PGish
Characters Involved: Remus Lupin & Severus Snape ONLY

Comments

[m4moony]

Remus had spent a large portion of the day carrying on an inner argument of a different sort -- had he gone too far or not far enough? Surely some sort of sentimentalism should have been expected. It seemed as though he'd set foot inside the house in Spinner's End and forgotten how to conceal his inner feelings from it's formerly solitary owner. But, then, Severus had told him he played everything so close to the chest it hadn't been until that day at the car show he'd truly known that Remus might share his attraction.

After breakfast, he was sure he'd played his cards too heavy-handed. The slight flush stealing across the other man's face was taken as a clear sign he had embarassed Severus despite his attempts not to.

Of course, Minerva's smug glances between the two of them probably hadn't helped. So, he simply smiled and waited until he was back in his office to panic further.

By the time lunch rolled around, he was on his fourth turn of thinking perhaps he hadn't gone far enough. After all, he'd taken a chance that Severus would know the meaning behind the seemingly random gifts. It had taken Remus quite a bit of clandestine research to find the right items himself. He could not assume his message would be received.

It had been a difficult task to keep from feeling a bit smug himself when Severus pulled an apple, what looked like one of the golden apples that had been gifted him, from a pocket, that particular sparkle glittering in black eyes.

And so it continued, back and forth, the rest of the day.

Until more than an hour ago when he realized the owl would be delivering his letter shortly.

If he'd nearly come close to 'too far' he feared it would be in the letter. He'd lost count of how many drafts had met their end in the flames of the fire in his office. Too soppy. Too formal. Too flowery. Too secretive. Too stupid. It was so much easier to write his feelings in those stupid journals when he wasn't thinking about it. This, a letter designed to open the door for revealing his deeper emotions at a later time, was planned and required thought and planning and...well, more skill with words and writing than Remus felt he had.

Fear of what he might find had almost kept him from stepping through the flames to floo down to the dungeons, a rare exception to his usual rule of not intruding. He'd stood for several long minutes just staring into the flames, trying to imagine what his welcome might be on the other end before finally pulling himself together, taking a deep breath and walking through.

What he hadn't expected was how long he'd have to wait for the verdict. He'd become familiar enough with the routine that he'd been confident the owl would arrive with only a few minutes left before Severus completed his rounds. Of course, he couldn't have known Severus would immediately go to the Library to research the meanings of the herbs it had taken Remus a full day to settle on. All of which left him sitting alone for long enough to begin to doubt the advisability of taking this first step towards admitting to his true feelings.

When the door finally opened to admit the man who was unaware of holding Remus' heart in his hands, it was one very nervous werewolf to be found sitting on his sofa.

Nerves were pushed to one side just as quickly as it took to stand and cross the room, however, bottle clutched carefully between his hands. It was as if there was no room for nerves with the even more powerful stirrings awakening inside him now that he was back in the other man's presence.

"Hmm...I believe that would be this bottle, here." Leaning over he brushed a soft kiss across Severus' lips and then smiled. "Happy Valentine's Day, Severus."

[subtle_simmer]

And there it was. That sense of perfect rightness. A warm, soothing comfort almost indescribably profound. As though contentment was a thick, soft blanket, enfolding him completely just by being with Remus.

NOW who was being soppy?!

Severus returned the gentle kiss with a pleased humming against Remus lips before drawing him into the room, nearer the warmth of the fire.

"Oh? Is it Valentine's Day?" he asked. "I had no idea."

Waving a hand to indicate Remus should take the sofa, Severus went to a shelf to collect glasses for the cognac, and also to collect his gift for the werewolf - which seemed far too inadequate considering the elaborate display he had experienced today. Carrying the large-ish envelope and the flat-ish box over to the sofa, he seated himself and tried to say something adequate to the occasion, or more specifically to his feelings about Remus' efforts today.

Casting a sideways glance at Remus, he offered an embarrassed half-smirk.

"Apparently, I am no more gracious at knowing how to accept romantic gestures than I am at knowing how to give them. No one has ever gone to so much fuss over me... it was..."

Flattering? Yes, but so much more! Gratifying? Embarrassing - well, a little, but not unpleasantly so.

It had made him feel special, which sounded ridiculous and even a little trite, but there it was. And how to put such a thing into words?

He swallowed and shrugged.

"It was very pleasant, Remus. Thank you. My... offering to the occasion... is not nearly so elaborate. Indeed, I am not sure it is quite appropriate."

Bloody hell. He'd thought it would be something Remus would like, without being too extravagant as to convey the wrong message, though he wondered now if he could ever be extravagant enough to properly express the emotions he felt for the other man.

Moreover, what if his gift was painful to Remus? It had seemed like a good idea at the time.

Awkwardly, he thrust the envelope and box toward Remus, and watched apprehensively. The box was merely a somewhat gaudy box of the sorts of chocolates Severus had observed Remus enjoying whenever the werewolf chose such things for himself, with the traditional red heart and the words 'Be Mine' emblazoned obnoxiously on the lid.

The envelope was the worrisome bit.

There was no sappy card, merely a note.

You do not seem to have many pictures of your friends among your belongings. I thought you might receive more pleasure from this than it provides to me.

~S.

Inside was an 8x10 group photograph centered around Lily who was sitting radiantly on a sofa cradling a tiny infant, beaming at the camera. James sat next to her, smiling in a bemused sort of way, with a laughing Sirius Black slugging him in the arm. A timid Peter Pettigrew stood just behind Lily, peering nervously over her shoulder at the small bundle in her arms. Remus was on the other side of Lily, his finger clutched tightly by a tiny infant fist. He looked too thin and care-worn even then, but clearly happy to be in the presence of his friends. The baby was tiny and looked like every other days-old infant - pudgy pink face, slightly squinty eyes, and a shock of black hair over the top of the pastel blankets.

Lily had made a point of sending occasional photos to Severus along with her letters, and this had been one he could not easily alter to remove the distasteful individuals without damaging his ability to see her, so it had remained intact and buried in his collection of correspondence from her. When Severus had been trying to think of a meaningful gift to offer to Remus, this photo kept returning to mind, but now he was not so sure of the wisdom of the gesture. Not only might the recollections involved be painful to the other man, but what good could come of reminding Remus of those friends who would surely not have approved of any association with him.

He would have poured the cognac to have something to do, but he was afraid his hands would shake and betray his apprehension so he merely sat rigidly still, hands clenched in his lap, and watched Remus' reaction.

[m4moony]

"I might had gone a little overboard." Remus grinned sheepishly as he retook his seat. "I've never done the whole 'Valentine's Day' thing before."

While Severus collected the glasses, Remus opened the bottle of cognac. He had...perhaps...'broken the bank' a bit on the day's grand gesture -- the expensive bottle, the polished box, the small gem. But, if he could not trumpet the words of his heart just yet, he would pay any price to say them symbolicly. After all, you only got your fist Valentine's Day as a couple once. And, if Severus had never set out to be with someone before, then Remus surmised this would be his first such holiday ever. Good enough reason for a little extravagence.

"You're welcome, Severus. I happen to think you're worth the 'fuss'."

Smiling softly, Remus took the box and envelope with as much care as if they contained the most precious treasure in the world. His smile grew wider as he recognized the chocolates for what they were. Only Severus seemed to enjoy feeding his sweet tooth, or seemed to remember it at all unless Zak was in one of his 'baking moods'.

"Hm, now I wonder who I might get to share this with me," he teased as his finger slipped under to open the envelope and read the note inside. "Perhaps...Oh, Severus."

Words failed as he got his first look at the photo. For a moment, emotion threatened to overwhelm him and his eyes did grow overbirght with unshed tears.

He remembered the day the photo was taken vividly. Harry couldn't have been more than a week old. The plan to send Lily and James into hiding wouldn't even have been thought of for another month. Gods, James had been so bemused over the entire thing. Sirius could only tease him about being a father now and no longer having any fun because he had to set an example for the next generation of Marauders.

And Lily...

Lily had been simply radiant. Lily Potter had been one of those women just born to be a mother. From the moment she had learned she was pregnant, Harry became her entire world and first concern.

How Remus had envied them both, James and Lily. He had just begun to realize, even then, that the likelihood of his ever having children of his own was slim at best -- in a hopeful world where the good people were rewarded and bd people punished fairly. It had been so hard to leave that day. He'd wanted to stay and play with Harry for as long as he could.

"This was the last time we were all together," he said quietly, still looking down at the photo in his lap, "the last happy moment before everything got mixed up." Before the levers of suspicion drove them all apart, before Peter betrayed them, before Remus lost everything in one tragic night.

"Thank you, Severus." Tear-bright eyes finally looked up and he reached out to trail wondering fingers down the other man's cheek. Even though Severus had never got on with his friends, he still found it in his heart to give them back to Remus in some small fashion. Surely that meant something. "This means...so much. Thank you."

[subtle_simmer]

"the last happy moment before everything got mixed up."

The last happy moment before his actions had destroyed everything - that was what Severus heard, in his own head, even though he knew Remus didn't see it that way. Remus' grief was palpable, making his role in bringing it about all the more unforgivable in his mind.

He actually flinched at Remus' gentle touch, though he didn't pull away. Lifting his tormented gaze to meet Remus' tear-bright one, he shook his head.

"I do not understand you," he said quietly. Clearly, he had underestimated his own emotional turmoil, even as he had anxiously considered Remus'. How foolish was it to remind the werewolf of the greatest reason he had for not wanting to be with Severus!

His hand reached up to mirror Remus' gesture, stroking Remus' cheek, catching the slightest moisture as he brushed the edge of the damp lashes.

"This is my doing - this grief. Not the whole of it, perhaps, but at least the impetus. How can you thank me, when it was my actions which made Lily's son the target?"

Severus didn't want to drive Remus away, and had not intended to spoil the evening and all Remus' elaborate gestures with his own remembered misery - but he could not be sanguine in the other man's regard with this heavy guilt weighing upon him.

[m4moony]

Had it not been for the softly spoken words that followed, the flinch would have brought his hand down from Severus' face immediately. As it was, he checked that impulse in favor of grasping the hand caressing his own cheek and pressing a gentle kiss to the palm.

"No, Severus. It's not." How was it possible that the man who brought him so much happiness saw only the pain caused indirectly by actions taken twenty years earlier! Placing the gifts carefully on the table, he took both of Severus' hands in his, peppering his knuckles with tiny kisses before continuing.

"What part did you play in all this? Telling Voldemort of a Prophecy that could have been interpreted several different ways? You didn't tell him to go after Harry. It was Voldemort's choice that made Harry the target, not yours.

"At the time that photograph was taken, Peter was already passing information to Voldemort and Sirius was already beginning to suspect I was the one turned traitor. That more than anything is what tore us apart -- suspicion and betrayal, neither of which were your doing, nor will I allow you to blame yourself for what you had no control over.

"Come here." Leaning further back into the corner where sofa back met sofa arm, he used the hands still held in his to gently tug the other man with him, wanting to hold Severus and stroke his hair soothingly until this guilt-ridden madness had passed.

"This isn't just a photo you've given me. It's a memory I thought I'd lost decades ago. When the war ended, I was bitter and angry, too proud and stubborn to use my parents' empty croft for storage. I dumped everything that wasn't essential before I ran off. Sold what I could, binned the rest. That's why I don't have many photos, as you noticed.

"But, now, I have that memory back. Because of you. This was the only time I ever saw Harry before I came to teach at Hogwarts. It was the last time we were all together without bickering and accusations. And you've given those memories back to me. How can I be anything but grateful for that?"

[subtle_simmer]

He had not yet managed to find his equilibrium in this realm of building a relationship. Severus was used to being extremely confident and self-assured in everything he did - or at least presenting a good impression of it, even if that wasn't how he felt, inside.

This was entirely different!

Sometimes, when they were sitting alone together in his quarters or Remus', companionably marking papers or just sharing a drink at the end of the day, Severus felt so perfectly content, that he could not imagine how he had lived life without this connection before. Or as he had felt when he had first come in, tonight and Remus embraced him and Severus knew, just knew he was right where he belonged.

Other times, he was burdened with so many doubts and insecurities that he couldn't wrap his mind around the idea that anyone would want to be with him, after the life he had led, let along Remus Lupin.

He hated that weakness, that insecurity within himself, and had not yet found a way to overcome it on his own. Instead, it would spill forth - as it did this evening - and Remus would banish it away with reassuring words and warm kisses....

Allowing himself to be pulled closer, sidling into Remus' embrace, he felt simultaneously ashamed of his weakness and yet comforted and whole. As strong arms wrapped around him, he rested his own arms over the top of the werewolf's, all but wallowing in the warm hold. Leaning his head back to nestle against Remus' shoulder, he sighed heavily.

The truth of Remus' words did not lessen his own culpability. His loathing of Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew, and his belief that their guilt was equal to his, was not something he would voice now - or probably ever. He would not reward Remus' generous forgiveness by hurting the memory of those friends he had loved.

Tilting his head, he grazed nibbling kisses along Remus' jaw.

"You are quite overwhelming, Remus Lupin," he said softly. "I am quite certain I do not remotely deserve you."

[m4moony]

These were the moments Remus loved, the times when Severus let his guard down and allowed himself to be vulnerable. It was the rarity. Severus was normally so fiercely independent, never letting the world see any sign of weakness or unsurety. It was profoundly humbling to realize he was among the privileged few -- if not the privileged one -- to be entrusted with that side of Severus Snape.

Wrapping his arms tightly around his slim waist, he pulled the other man close, shifting his legs so that Severus could settle more comfortably between them.

"Deserve me?" Shaking his head, Remus tightened his arms and rested his cheek against the top of Severus' head. A soft little sigh of contentment slipped between his lips almost before he was aware of it. "If either of us doesn't deserve the other, it's the other way around."

What had he ever done to deserve Severus' affection? Over the course of their lives, he had turned a blind eye to the cruelties his friends visited upon the other man. He had nearly mauled him to death. He had slugged him for gods' sakes! And while it was true Severus had spilled the beans about his condition the first time he had taught at Hogwarts. But, the position had been cursed -- a fact Albus had conveniently left out of his job offer -- and at least Remus had left while still breathing and in full control of his mental faculties.

Other than that, Severus had never once turned his revenge upon Remus.

Tilting his head, he captured those teasing lips in a gentle kiss.

"You do so much for me and the pack, I don't think you even realize how much I've come to depend on you."

[subtle_simmer]

Severus enjoyed 'these moments' perhaps almost as much as Remus. Maybe even more. Yet, for Severus, it still carried the feeling of a very guilty sort of pleasure. No matter what the phase of the moon, Remus' curse ensured that he was physically stronger than Severus, regardless of how equally matched they might be in other areas. He ought to have rebelled against yet again being in a situation where he was the weaker party - yet he did not.

It was a very strange thing for someone as fiercely independent as himself to suddenly relinquish all those life-long habits of lonely avoidance to permit such closeness. The dichotomy was even greater when he considered how much he liked the sense of being held. Needed. How much he liked the idea of Remus' greater strength enfolding him. Protecting him.

If this was a show of weakness, then why did it make him feel so much stronger, inside?

Yet there was more contradiction here, too. Stronger while in the enveloping embrace, yet weaker because the thought of losing this closeness now that he had finally found it, twisted his gut painfully until he thought he might not survive such an inevitable eventuality.

Severus was not a man to willingly discuss his insecurities. Hell, he preferred not to admit he had them, even to himself!

Instead, he turned slightly in the embrace, making the kiss easier, the contact more comfortable. Whether he was given another week, or month, or year of this, he was determined for once in his life to have something truly good for himself. And to make every effort to enjoy it to the fullest for however long it lasted.

It is at this point of self-discovery and relationship-discovery that Severus learnt that it is quite a bit more awkward to kiss someone when one is smiling, however slightly. He broke off the connection, pulling his head back to rub his prodigious nose against Remus' more aesthetic one.

"It would seem this arrangement continues to be mutually satisfactory, then," he teased quietly.

The sensation in his chest was far too serious for much frivolity, though. The smile gently slipped away, giving him freedom to once again offer up his mouth to Remus' nourishing kisses, a contented purr given into their joined lips and tongues.

[m4moony]

"Very satisfactory." Remus chuckled softly, rubbing his nose back along Severus' before taking the opportunity offered to him to continue his soft, gentle exploration of the other man's mouth. Shifting slightly, he kept one arm wrapped protectively around Severus' waist and slid the other up to cup the back of his head, supporting him and drawing him further into the kisses.

During the course of the last few months, there had been many heated embraces, one or the other of them pinned to the door...wall...sofa back...hands devouring through touch as much as lips and tongues, bodies tangled together and aching for more than either man was yet ready to give. Some nights Remus had left Severus' office only to head directly for his own rooms and a cold shower, life-long habit holding him back from more satisfying methods of solitary release as the icy spray shocked his system back into some semblance of control. Never before had that control been tested as mercilessly as any night in which he was forced to pull away from Severus before they went further than they had mutually decided they were ready for.

Tonight, was not one of those nights.

Tonight was sweetness and tenderness. Each press of firm, thin lips upon his, each sighing breath mingling with his, was more precious than any fiery ardor might have been. Passion was glorious and exciting and he relished every minute of it. But this was deeper, drawing from someplace buried deep inside his heart rather than blossoming out of the exquisite flames of physical desire. Remus strove with each soft kiss and gentle caress to offer up the forgiveness and acceptance Severus seemed to need, but couldn't not find in Remus' words alone.

When the need for air became too much to ignore, he leaned back enough to look the Potions Master in the eye, smiling as laughter lit up his eyes.

"Now then, in all seriousness..." Tucking a curled finger under the sharp, angular chin that had so fascinated him since Severus returned home from a Quidditch match with a new haircut that no longer hide his striking features, Remus tilted his face up to his, the solemnity of his words belied by the mischief in his expression.

"Severus Malcolm Kane Snape...will you consent to be my Valentine?"

[subtle_simmer]

In all seriousness? Severus had been lost in a rather shamefully dreamy state of languorous bliss, warm, secure and safe, all guilt and self-reproach momentarily forgotten in the healing, soothing caress of Remus' kiss.

His expression changed from contented lassitude to wary suspicion in an instant - all that was required was that mischievous twinkle in Remus' eye! The unmistakable 'Marauder' look never failed to set his teeth on edge.

Another fraction of a moment later and his countenance had changed completely for a third time in as many seconds - perhaps a first for a man who prided himself on the ability to conceal his emotions from playing across his visage.

Severus burst into laughter, grasping a fist-full of Remus' thick hair perhaps a bit tighter than the situation required.

"Soppy swot," he managed between chuckles, kissing Remus firmly. "You are incorrigible."

And then, almost as an after-thought...

"Yes."