Like a Moth to Flame
Date: Friday, 7 October
Time: Late evening, long after Student Curfew
Place: Hogwarts, Lupin's quarters
Characters Involved: Lupin and Snape
Rating: No more than PG for whinging
( 'The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.' ~Carl Jung (1875 - 1961) )
Time: Late evening, long after Student Curfew
Place: Hogwarts, Lupin's quarters
Characters Involved: Lupin and Snape
Rating: No more than PG for whinging
( 'The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.' ~Carl Jung (1875 - 1961) )
When he did, all the buzzing he had thought he'd worked off with the workout was back full force and he fairly vibrated with energy again. Really, he shouldn't be this affected just looking at the man, seeing the way his hair seemed fall just so now, the still-new style revealing features which were quite flattering when shown off right, admiring the way the unfamiliar clothes accented rather than hid the thin frame normally surrounded by yards of heavy fabric.
Oh, for Merlin's sake! He was forty years old. He was not going to stand here ogling the other man like some randy adolescent!
He grinned as the purpose of the visit was revealed, secretly amused that both their thoughts had turned to some sort of violence to vent their varied frustrations this evening.
"Well, I did have a rather hot date planned for the evening," he teased gently -- not flirting, no flirting. "But, I suppose I can put Michael Moorcock off for another night. Just give me one moment..."
Retrieving his wand from where he'd left it on the mantle during his workout, Remus turned the practice bag back into a table, levitating it bag into position betweent he two chairs of the sitting room. The truth was, he felt like he was in the Multiverse world the above named dark fantasy author wrote of, a champion awakning in a life he didn't recognize left to repay Karma for a deed he did not remember.
What other explanation could there be for how he now found himself about to play chess with a man whom he was attracted to, could only ever be 'allies' with, and whom had hated remus form uch of the first half of their lives!
"I suppose you're refering to the piece on Malfoy's book-signing and the hints at further registry nonsense?" Remus picked up the conversation as he worked, motioning for Severus to go ahead and begin setting up the board. His novel, waiting for him in the chair he usually occupied when reading in this room, was removed to the mantle to await his leisure at bedtime. The fire in this room was stoked a bit higher as he had not anticipated company and with the full moon drawing nearer, he prefered the temperature a bit cooler.
The small bag of chocolates awaiting his return by the chair were also retrieved and settled to one side of the table in silent invitation to share them as they played.
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'See something you like, werewolf?" had almost spilled thoughtlessly from his lips.
He certainly did not want to hear Lupin's answer to that nonsense! Especially as the werewolf mentioned having a 'hot date', and he felt something freeze painfully inside his chest. The sensation abated slowly once he realised Lupin had been joking with him.
"Well, if you had rather, I would not wish to interrupt your interlude with Michael," he said dryly, lifting a brow as he caught a glimpse of the book. It was one he had not read, nor even heard of, so of course his curiosity was instantly alight.
It was then that he recollected that Lupin probably still thought he was 'with' Myron Wagtail, even though he had not seen the younger man in weeks. In that very amicable meeting he and Myron had agreed that there was nothing 'romantic' between them, and it had been surprisingly not awkward or painful.
Still, Severus felt no need to disabuse Lupin of his mistaken information. It provided him a convenient shield behind which to hide, if nothing else. He watched patiently as Lupin restored the furnishings to their original condition, and took one of the chairs as offered. Opening the board, he had but to tap it with his wand for the pieces to march into their positions. He collected two pawns, one of each colour, and concealed them in his fists, holding them out to Lupin in the standard technique to choose who was 'white', and therefore went first.
"Precisely. I suspect if the idiots can get enough votes, you'll get your wished-for collar sooner than we think. Or worse."
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Watching the tiny chessmen march sharply to their positions -- because of course, no chess set of Severus' would saunter about lazily -- Remus was reminded of their last attempt at a game. Two moves in and the game was forgotten in favor of a long, tension-filled conversation full of confessions and fear. Why he always found himself spilling his guts to the man across the table, he still wasn't sure. Somethings could be explained away by physical attraction.
That wasn't one of them.
"I much prefer picking out my own collars," he commented wryly, tapping Severus' left hand gently to chose his pawn.
The Ministry's continued hints worried him, though not in the way one might expect. The tighter the Ministry drew it's nets, the more likely it was they would catch Rhia and her pack in them -- or worse, catch Perry or Glamis trying to help the others! Remus still hadn't had an opportunity to discuss any of that with Severus, either. Between not speaking to each other, then the full moon, the ministry interrogations, student worries, teaching -- they sometimes went days where the most interaction they had was saying 'Good Morning' at breakfast.
Having come from seeing each other every day, always knowing there was someone there he could talk to without having to be 'the strong one in charge', it seemed odd indeed that he hadn't yet been able to discuss something this important with the other man.
"I assume it was you the article made oblique reference to as the unnamed personage the auror indicated?"
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The low rumble of Lupin's laughter settled over him like a warm blanket on a cold evening, promising hints of true comfort the likes of which he had never imagined possible for someone such as himself.
False promises, of course. Such things weren't possible for him, and to allow the fantasy to linger merely prolonged the angst.
Opening his left hand revealed the white piece, and he smirked in satisfaction, turning the board so the white pieces faced Lupin and replacing both pawns.
"I would much prefer not to wear any Ministry decorations, full-stop," he agreed, echoing the wry tone.
"Come on, Lupin," he chided with more heat than the question deserved. "Who the fuck else would they be referring to? Except for Aurin Helm, every Auror in the place watched me as though expecting me to grow red, glowing eyes on the spot. The reporter slag damn near wet herself when Lucius deigned to speak to me. As if Lucius wasn't every bit the slippery snake as I am."
Setting the glass tumblers on the table next to the chess board, he filled them both with a generous measure of his not-inexpensive Cognac. He'd best enjoy it now - it seemed likely he'd soon be finding himself lacking in 'creature comforts' if the Ministry had its way.
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Taking a swallow of his drink to cover his reaction, he focused on the board in an effort to derail that particular train of thought. It was hardly doing any good for him to vow to keep this...this...this, under controland away from Severus' notice if he was constantly indulging in these little hormone-driven fantasies. He could and would be adult about this. It was hardly the first time fate had dangled impossible desires in front of him.
Resolute in his silently renewed resolve, he set the tumbler back on the table and contemplated his opening move. It didn't really require much thought, however.
"How should I know," he relied lightly, moving his knight into position. Even in chess, Remus was unable to bring himself to send the 'weaker' pieces into battle first. Of course, many a game had been won by a pawn's overthrow of the king. "It's beyond me why they feel the need to fixate on any one person as the 'villian' in a time when the 'villain' should have been vanquished months ago. They missed the entire point of the war. How do they expect to raise their children in a world where some madman won't come along and try to eradicate entire sections of society, if they persist in teaching those children the very same values of prejudice and fear of 'difference'?
"That you take the brunt of suspicion simply because the rest of them can't fathom there being anything but a nefarious reason for us all to be living together is even more reflective of that problem. At least I'd prefer to think that was the reason and not that there really are that many blood-thirty individuals out there who are brassed at being robbed of an official scapegoat when you turned out to be a 'good guy' after all."
This was how Albus had first drawn Remus into his cause years ago, instilling hope for being able to teach the error of this thinking in the future. It was why Remus remained with the Order in the second war and it was the ultimate reason, beyond even the fact of Severus' asking him, he had taken the position at the school. Unfortunately for his neatly packaged arguments refuting it, Minerva hadn't been wholly wrong in her thinking of both of them as examples.
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Probably just the effect of the cognac and his own over-active imagination.
"They do want a scape-goat, though. It would make everything very simple, for simple people to understand. If I were genuinely gathering the stragglers, they would need do nothing at all but trace my actions to find all the wee rats still skulking in the sewers.
"Your presence merely adds to that motivation. The Next Dark Lord can gather up all the nasty little Death Eaters, and his Werewolf Companion can likewise lead in all the Unregistered Werewolves.
"It requires absolutely no effort or rational thought on the part of the Ministry, in any of its departments."
He smirked at Lupin's opening move. Gryffindor. In retrospect, that should have been a major clue to Albus' motivations! Unlike any other Gryffindor Severus had ever played against, Albus had been absolutely ruthless in his sacrifices - and he always won.
Sliding forward a pawn, he shrugged.
"Besides, my list of crimes is available for public record. I am not a 'good guy', and I dare say I am not the only one whose sense of justice is highly incensed by the idea that someone like myself should get off, scot-free. The Registry annoys me in its ineffectiveness, and it's broad-scope, targeting people who have no business being on it. You have never and will never hear me argue against my presence on the thing - only its inefficiency. It is hard to respect anything so ridiculously easy to circumvent."
If he had to start wearing a collar, or worse... well, that might get his notice!
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Finally releasing the pawn, Remus leaned back into the softness of the chair. It wasn't as if he hadn't had these thoughts before this ridiculous attraction began. There was no reason not to say them now, just because he worried about giving away too much. The Remus he had been before moving in to Spinner's End had believed them. The Remus he was now could say them.
"I suppose, if you're unwilling to argue for yourself, I'll just have to argue for us both. You don't belong on it. You did not get off 'scott free', either. I'm not as simple minded as society seems to be, Severus. I think I have a pretty good idea of exactly the price you've paid for your actions in the past."
Stubborn bastard. The man seemed intent on being punished for his deeds for the rest of eternity. Of those who mattered, Severus was the only one who hadn't forgiven Severus.
"But," Remus took another swallow of liquor before placing the tumbler on the table and rest his head on his fist as he waited for Severus to make his next move. "That brings up a subject I've been meaning to speak with you about, something that could be detrimentally affected by any tightening of Registry restrictions.
"About those Unregistered Werewolves. Ah, I've actually been approached by a pack of them seeking alliance."
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People said his gaze was 'intense'! Clearly those people had never been within a metre of the searing look Lupin was now giving him as he presented 'his' definition of 'good'. Severus had to ball his hands into fists to avoid giving into the urge to brush the golden brown hair out of Rem Lupin's eyes, the better to appreciate the effect.
Besides, peering through the fringe was quite intense enough.
Even as the words tugged at the painful knot of guilt inside him, twisting it with the memories of all he had done and not done, there was still that overlayment of strange warmth. Comfort.
Something he completely did not deserve, yet somehow wanted more than he had ever wanted anything in his life.
He couldn't tear his eyes away, nor even think of the proper retort to get Lupin to leave off the ridiculous subject, nor scarcely even breathe while pinned under that honey-bright gaze. Only when Lupin leaned back and allowed his attention to shift was Severus able to glance into his own glass, as though the liquid within contained the secrets of the world. Unfortunately, the cognac was almost the identical, rich amber colour of the eyes which had just released him, and provided no clarity to his thoughts, at all.
Swallowing a healthy mouthful of his own drink, he hoped any flush to his skin might be attributed to the liquid, or the heat of the fire as he leaned forward to move another pawn, desperately wishing, now, that he had never cut his hair. Had it been longer, he might have found some concealment behind it.
Equilibrium had been pretty much restored when he settled back in his chair, painfully aware that he had not said anything in reply to Lupin's 'faith'.
"Lupin," he said slightly wearily, "In spite of appearances, I appreciate your noble insistence on trying to twist my actions into something benevolent. I wish I could believe you, but I cannot. There is no coin which could make payment 'enough' for my past. I am not unwilling to continue to suffer the consequences of my actions; you need not 'argue' for us both."
The subject changed and Severus quirked a brow inquiringly, even as Lupin laid out yet another complication. He snorted softly.
"You see? There are the actions of a 'good' man. Still trying to aid those who need it, in spite of dangers to yourself."
The memory of their row right before they came to Hogwarts returned to him, and he nodded, suspecting a 'piece' had just fallen into place.
"This is where you went, with Glamis and Derrick? Some allies, to send you home looking like you'd been attacked."
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He might have argued more eloquently. For some reason, he never seemed to be at a loss for words in this particular ongoing argument, no matter how little they seemed to affect. But then Severus turned the tables on him, proclaiming Remus the proper example of a good man.
"It takes one to know one," he retorted, rather childishly.
"But yes, that is were we went. I wanted to be there the first time Perry was introduced to the other pack...just in case. I can't continue what I was doing as frequently now, working here. I need him to take over for me, help Glamis where he can. I intended to tell you about it that night. But, I wasn't in the right frame of mind."
Which was as close as he ever wished to come to saying "But you were being an unmitigated ass over the kissing booth and I was too furious to speak civilly, let alone rationally." Severus had apologized. They'd argued again -- Good gods! Was that was why it hurt so much the way Severus' set me up that way with Myron! They'd apologized. That issue was closed, forgiven and nearly forgotten.
"It was politics," he explained while sending another piece of his own into the fray on the board, "not an attack."
This was the part he'd always found most difficult trying to explain to 'Dora -- how supposedly 'rational human beings' could revert to such primitive means of interaction. Apparently, the idea that, no matter how much werewolves wished to be just like everyone else, they never would be, was a difficult one to grasp. But, they were different. They thought differently. They had different instincts.
"It was a challenge. The Alpha of the other pack required a trial of strength to prove she was doing the right thing in asking for protection for her pack. We won, incidentally."
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He laughed.
Not long, to be sure, but it was a rich, throaty laugh, not the usual stifled chuckle, quickly smothered into a smirk.
"Enough... Lupin, enough," he said, shaking his head. Dear Lord, he had almost called the man by his first name. "No more circular arguments tonight, I'm exhausted of them."
Re LUPIN could hardly recollect that argument with more distaste than he did, himself. However, what Lupin was unwilling to say, Severus laid out, stabbing savagely at the elephant in the sitting room.
"Because I was being an unmitigated bastard, you mean," he said with a self-derisive snort. He had warned June, the first day they had come to the house, that he was said bastard. There was no point in trying to pretend otherwise here and now, with someone who knew far more instances of proof of the matter.
Lazily making his next move on the board - it would take a while before the game required any true concentration - he settled back comfortably in his chair. The good-humour from his unexpected laughter still filled him, the slight smile still playing about his lips. Raking Lupin with a frankly appraising gaze - mostly because he wanted to note its effect, if any - he allowed the smile to broaden into a knowing smirk.
"Of course you won," he said with such firm confidence, it was almost like praise.
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And he should not be thinking such things. Distance, Lupin.
"It's not a circular argument. It's an argument I intend to win someday." He winked teasingly over the rim of his glass. "But, I'll give you a reprieve tonight."
The automatic placation on his lips at Severus' commentary on his row in the row after the kissing booth died before ever leaving his brain as Remus caught the lookk in the other man's eyes. Once before, those glittering black eyes had swept over him from head to toe -- during the aforementioned row. Then, the gesture had sent rush of heat and shards of ice cold washing over Remus and he hadn't been at all cognizent of the reason why.
This time, it was pure heat. He had to forcefully remind himself the look didn't mean what his body wanted it to mean -- and even if it did, it didn't matter. This man was not for him and never would be.
Biting his lip and praying the heat he felt bathed in had not translated into an embarrassing blush like some awkward adolescent, he leaned forward to examine the board very carefully. His mind was certainly not on chess. It was not even in the vicinity of the chess board. But he was making a valiant effort to push it there. The problem was he had to fight to keep his eyes from roaming back up to meet the midnight gaze of the man responsible for his current confusion.
As he finally made his move, Remus brushed his hair from his face with a self-conscious hand.
"You wouldn't sound so sure if you'd seen the two lanky sons of Adonis we had to fight," he said with a wry shake of his head as he leaned back once more, compusure semi-returned to normal but for the lingering heat he was unaware of in his own eyes. "But, we did, so that's what matters. That win was responsible for their Alpha requesting protection under my pack."
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