"Madness is the emergency exit." -- Alan Moore

[m4moony]

Date: Sunday, 16 July, 2000
Time: After Moonrise and sunset
Location: Spinner's End
Character(s) Involved: Remus Lupin and any other residents of Spinner's End who wish
Status: Complete
Rating: Let's say PG-13 to start and see where it goes

Comments

[subtle_simmer]

Lupin was not the only one nervous about this transformation. Severus had avoided any but the most aloof and painstakingly polite interaction through out the rest of the week. Their confrontation had left him feeling almost as wounded and unsettled as Lupin. If Lupin despised himself so much for actions beyond his own control - actions, furthermore, of which he had no tangible proof - how much more must he loathe Severus for willfully, tortuously completing the act?

He had meant what he had said, though. He was not going to let Bellatrix Lestrange or Fenrir Greyback or any other outside force control the actions of himself or anyone under his protection, ever again.

When Lupin and the others went to the transformation room, Severus did his usual circuit of the house, checking all locks and wards to be assured of absolute security, before heading down to the cellar, himself.

He was not going to let Lupin consume himself with guilt over the thing.

Fear of the transformation had left him - almost - and he barely waited for the obvious sounds of pain to end before opening the door. Lupin would not be imprisoned, either!

The soft whimper was just heard, and Severus looked over each of the werewolves, in turn, looking for signs of unusual discomfort or injury, but saw none. He stood aside to allow them to pass him, watching Lupin most carefully of all.

Severus merely stood, leaning against the door-frame with his arms crossed over his chest, waiting. Wherever Lupin went, tonight, Severus was going to be right behind. Werewolves do not heal easily from werewolf-inflicted injury - even self inflicted injury, and Lupin had already proved himself able and willing to damage himself in his distress.

Not on Severus' watch!

Lupin might be 'alpha', and able to command his 'pack' to leave him if he wished it, or else-wise do as he instructed, but Severus was not subservient to anyone, anymore, and was not going to be made to leave.

He rather expected the werewolf to be displeased with the arrangement.

[sightlesswolf]

Even before today, June had been unpleasantly sure that this full was going to be a bad one for the pack. She'd been more than usually agitated already, trying to settle with Zak in the garden as usual but unable to sit still to save her life. She'd ended up pacing about, frequently going back inside to wander the house like a displaced ghost, diverting upstairs to pass near Remus's room. Of course he'd have sensed her nearby, but she never went in; she didn't want to disturb him, just to reassure herself. Just to be near.

During one such attempt to distract herself, she'd picked up her journal and begun randomly tapping entries. And that was when her wand tip had happened on the one left by Bellatrix Lestrange.

On a good day, she would not have reacted well to that. Today it put the match to the gunpowder. There were stinging red lines on her arms where she'd dug her nails in, trying to contain the fury that had demanded she go out and find Lestrange right now and tear her apart - or lacking that, find something else to utterly destroy. The violence was the wolf's, but the fury was all June's and it took every ounce of willpower she had to prevent herself from indulging it somehow.

Over an hour had passed before she'd trusted herself to return to Zak. At least Glamis had joined him so he'd been able to stay outdoors. Poor boy was unsettled enough this month without being deprived of his small source of comfort.

When the transformation finally came, the wolf rushed up out of her, angry and eager. It scrabbled against the barrier of the Wolfsbane, struggled for its freedom. Of course, this was a fight it was never going to win, but it did a number on her trying; she was panting as she pulled herself to her feet afterwards.

Zak was up; she could hear his tread, lighter than Remus's, moving about the small room. But Remus was quiet - Remus was...

...freaking out. Quietly.

She started to move toward him, then stopped, torn. Her instinct, as woman and wolf, was to offer comfort - a touch, a nuzzle. But if his actions were any indication, he didn't want them getting close. If she followed him to his corner, would he feel penned in? Trapped?

Before she could come to a decision, the door opened and she turned her head toward the sound. Not that she didn't know who it was, but she didn't know what to do. A plaintive whine escaped her throat before she could stop it. All the rules had been thrown out the window tonight and all June could be sure of was that she didn't like it. Not one bit.

[m4moony]

If he thought he was going to be able to deal with this quietly and on his own, it seemed he was being thwarted by his pack -- which still included Severus in Remus' mind, although he was nearly positive the other man had no wish to be included.

He could read the indecision in June's stance, guessing how much she did not want to leave him alone. Zak stood to one side of the door, head cocked as though waiting for his Alpha before deciding where he, himself, would go. The faint click of claws on the stairs reached his ears at the same moment he picked up Glamis' scent, telling him his Beta was coming to check on him as well. All he would need was Perry to show up now, driven by curiosity to see what was holding up the emergence of the rest of the pack.

Then there was Severus, the one person in the house he was truly afraid to be around tonight. He was also the person Remus was able to communicate with least in this form, let alone as a man.

Chuffing irritably, he glared balefully at all of them, hoping they'd give up staring at him and just leave him be to deal with this in his own time and his own way.

[subtle_simmer]

Severus also turned to regard Glamis with an approving smirk. Severus had rarely seen the wizened wolf outside his own room during transformations, but clearly Severus was not alone in being quite determined that Lupin would not be alone this night.

He was also acutely aware that he would be Lupin's last choice of 'companions' for the night, which, perversely, made Severus all the more certain that he was the best choice for the job.

If he, Severus, could stay in the same room with the beast who had nearly killed him, then surely that had to send some sort of message of 'acceptance', didn't it? And wasn't that the key? Lupin, from what Severus could tell, had always separated himself from his wolf-form, in his mind, as much as possible. Even going so far as to give the beast a different name, as though to pretend it was separate and apart from himself.

If Lupin could not accept 'the beast' as part of himself, then recovery from Bellatrix' cruel revelation was going to be much more difficult.

Severus, never having had the luxury of even pretending his own 'darkness' was somehow separate from the rest of his nature, figured the 'suck it up and get over it' method was the only way to go, here.

And he, Severus, was likely the only one in the house able to convey that message loud and clear.

"Make yourself comfortable, Lupin," he drawled. Glancing at the others, meeting Glamis' eyes last, he said, "Go or stay as you like, or as he wants. I'm not going anywhere."

So saying, he stepped into the room - the mattresses had been replaced after Lupin's previous bout of destruction. He flicked his wand to move one closer to the corner where Lupin sat, and lowered himself down on it, a few feet away from the werewolf, leaning against the wall and stretching his legs out in front of himself.

There was no way to control his scent - he was afraid, of course. This werewolf had haunted his nightmares, had come to life in his Boggart for years, and he was now closer to it than he had ever been since the aborted, attempted attack. Lupin had always maintained his distance, and Severus had always remained standing. Now, sitting on the floor less than a metre away, the wolf was slightly taller than eye-level, the teeth not quite fully hidden within the muzzle. He was terrified.

But Severus Snape had faced down the Dark Lord, many times, without betraying the fear in his heart then. He would not be defeated by it now. His gaze, as he met Lupin's glare, was steady, unwavering in his determination.

"I'm not leaving."

[sightlesswolf]

Her ears perked as she heard human footsteps entering the room. He was coming in and Remus wasn't moving to leave. That settled things in June's mind: they'd be staying down here with Remus. She didn't like this room, but then, she didn't really like being stuck anywhere in the house any better; being there for their alpha was the important thing.

Padding over to his side, she sank to her haunches beside him, bending her head to nuzzle at his fur. Back to this. No words, just a simple touch, a silent offer of comfort and solidarity.

We're here.

[inner_human]

He was slow in making his way down to the rest.

And for a while, Perry was quite determined not to. He knew they were all in the transformation room, all gathered together; he'd heard them as he paced the main level, nervously wondering at the quiet in the rest of the house. He felt exposed and annoyed and skirted past the cellar stairs everytime he came close. He would not go down.

But curiosity, loneliness, and the persistent need to be with his pack always drew him back to the stair. He stopped in front of it and sat down, staring into the dark. Then he lifted himself and stepped down. He trod lightly, almost silently, pausing once or twice to consider the odd feeling in his right foreleg.

And as Perry crept in he felt very much like the disobedient pup and wished deeply to disappear into the darkness. Knowing keen werewolf eyesight would thwart that plan, however, he kept close to the door and stared at them all.

This was a peculiar night. He could feel the strange mood; a tense, but resolute air. Something that might have felt like unity if not for the unstable core at the center of it all... which happened to be Remus. Perry's eyes fell on his and remained there for a long moment. That desire to disappear was even stronger. Whereas the rest of the pack had stayed by Remus's side through the man's ordeal, Perry had stayed as far away as possible. After Harry had managed to get into Remus's room, after he had discovered the reason behind the seclusion was an intense pity party, Perry had been too angry to look his Alpha in the eye. It seemed awfully selfish of him, to leave them all like that. Not when he was the Alpha. Not when he was supposed to set the example.

But then... he wasn't just angry at Remus. After all, Perry understood the need for isolation very well. But, to the young wolf's surprise, he found he didn't like it so much when others shut him out. They were all in this together, right? Remus has always cared for them... shouldn't they be allowed to return the favor?

With a huff, Perry crept the last few steps into the room--he still grimaced at the memory of his last full moon spent with the pack--and lay down beside the wall. Well, if they were going to smother Remus with stubborn camaraderie and affection, then he might as well join in.

[m4moony]

Oh this was too much! He had almost expected some form of stubbornness out of Severus. But, surely his pack could sense his need to be alone tonight?

Though he understood her intent, June's simple wolfish caress set his nerves on end. He was ready to jump out of his skin merely because for tonight it was his skin. He was the living embodiment of his own worst fear and he needed to come to terms with Moony again, something he wouldn't be able to do with all of them hovering over him.

When Perry came in, looked his way almost accusingly, and then lay down to join them, Remus knew he was out numbered. Zak took the older werewolf's actions as his cue to stay as well, settling down on June's other side while Glamis sat serenely by the door.

He loved them all, but at that moment he'd have given anything for the hands with which to throttle them.

Huffing in irritation, the golden eyes of the wolf sought the glittering black one's of the stubborn human, pleading, wishing he had voice to ask why they were doing this to him. He was terrified of himself in this form. He needed space to become ccomfortable with it once again. Couldn't they understand that?

To have Severus, whom Remus had almost killed in this form, so close, was only serving to remind him of why he was uncomfortable inside his own skin.

A low growl rumbled in his chest, the only vocal expression of his displeasure he would allow himself with Severus sitting so close. Were he to bark or snap and come too close to uninfected flesh, even by accident --

[subtle_simmer]

Severus wasn't certain what he had expected when he sat down on this mattress, which was covered in shed-hairs and smelling distinctly of wolf. He was fairly sure he hadn't expected to be effectively hemmed in by werewolves on all sides.

Trying to conceal his nervousness - even though he knew they could smell it - he pulled out his journal for something to do with his hands, flipping through it idly while the wolves did their silent eye-contact-communication-thing.

He jumped when Lupin growled, and his glare deepened. He'd never get through an entire night like this. Reaching up with a shamefully trembling hand, he undid the first two buttons of his collar and tugged his shirt open, baring the first few inches of his neck. He leaned forward, chin up, as though offering his throat even as his heart thundered in his ears.

"Do it, Lupin," he hissed.

It was right up there in his top ten list of 'the hardest things I've ever done', to hold so rigidly still, so close to the wolf that he could feel the hot breath against his exposed skin.

"Bite me or shut up. I'm not leaving."

Severus knew Darkness. Severus knew that one of the most profoundly empowering moments of his own life was that instant when he still wanted the false-power the Darkness offered, and knew he could have it if he just reached out took it - and willfully turned his back on it, anyway.

If that was what Lupin needed to get over this... well, Severus was the only one in the house that could 'offer'. He held the amber-eyed gaze steadily as he sat, motionless, one hand still holding his collar open, offering the beast that which it wanted more than anything else.

[m4moony]

The growling ceased instantly as shock settled in with the sight of Severus baring his throat. In fact, everything ceased at least for a moment. Breathing kicked back in automatically after a few seconds. Everything else remained still, the almost preternatural stillness of a predator with prey in sight.

Oh Gods. Oh Gods. Oh Gods.

As his mental processes began to function again, Remus could feel panic rising.

What was Severus doing? This wasn't a joke. He alone knew, he knew, why Remus was nervous this Moon. Over twenty years ago he'd nearly killed the man before him, violently and without mercy. The wolf had been so infuriated at the loss, the rage and bloodlust, once turned on himself in frustration, put him in hospital for days.

The potion kept that monster at bay, allowed Remus to suppress it as he would any other strong emotion. But it didn't make it go away. he could still feel it, a dark restlessness just under the surface of his thoughts. It was a part of him, not separate, no matter how much he referred to the physical form as 'Moony'. That was what he needed to come to terms with, that very real side of himself, and accept as a part of who he was.

That side of himself was now very awake and focused on the frantic heartbeat of and the enticing scent of fear rising from the man so willfully offering himself as a sacrifice to that dark hunger.

At the same time, the part which was essentially Remus and still horrified at what he'd done to Morna was recoiling in purest agony.

Severus, his eyes begged, don't. Gods, please don't do this.

Shaking his head, a low, tortured whine escaped the trapped werewolf. He couldn't fathom what Severus was thinking. He only knew he wasn't ready for this. It was too much too soon. If the others refused to leave, then he would do so himself. He simply couldn't take this.

Without a second thought beyond having to get away, he stood and practically ran for the stairs.