The hard edges of the world soften

[deirdre_ivy]

Date: Monday, June the fifth
Time: 1:30 p.m.
Character(s) Involved: Deirdre Burke and N. Tonks
Location: Office of D. Burke, Ministry of Magic
Complete or Incomplete: Incomplete
Rating: PG-13 (estimate--all depends on what Tonks needs to get off her chest)

Comments

[deirdre_ivy]

The girl seemed to be at least in touch with the source of her depression, if she was unsure why or how it was occurring. Her contrast between 'think' and 'feel' was a bit confusing for Deirdre, although it served to illustrate the inner conflict raging between Tonks' heart and mind.

Usually, Deirdre took copious notes, or at least charmed up a recording for the files, but today was decidedly different. Beside the fact that this young woman was hardly a sociopath, the delicacy of this particular situation allowed for a bit of relaxation as far as the rules went. She continued to listen to Tonks' explanation, and, though she was frankly still very much in the dark, Deirdre felt as though Tonks had just placed a great deal of faith in her word, and was now elaborating on that which she had never verbalized before.

Still, Burke was no mind-reader. Much of what Nymphadora had just related was just a few steps above gibberish--deprived of context, Tonks' earnest confessions were merely mysterious preludes to the real problem. When Deirdre finally spoke, after a small pause had been given after Tonks' final statement, her voice was gentle, deprived of all condescension.

"I have a few questions to ask you, Nymphadora, and I will continue to them in a moment. First, however, I need to ask for a bit of background, for my own sake. What do you believe brought on all of these feelings?"

What happened to take away your happiness? It was no small question.

[nymphadorauror]

Tonks’ eyes shot up when Ms. Burke called Tonks by her first name. Instructing herself to blow off her seriously deranged pet peeve, Tonks grit her teeth and paid more attention to the rest of Ms. Burke’s words. Good thing she did this, for the next bit was a real shocker.

“What…. what brought it on? Oh gee…. I don’t….” She cut herself off, knowing full well she shouldn’t cop out. If doing this was going to attempt to fix Tonks- with whatever it’d be said was wrong with her- she might as well attempt to do her part. After all, how else would Ms. Burke be of service if she didn’t know the facts? But where to start?

“There are so many things.” Tonks said with a sigh. This wasn’t going to be easy- but was anything really easy? “And in different categories, but they are adding up. That’s what it feels like.

“I’ve lost hope, because so many things aren’t working out well at all. Love and death. And not in that order. Losing people in my life and the loss is so great.... it scares me to try and look into the future.”

Ok...so, we can summarize till our faces turn blue, it’d get no where. Tonks shifted on the cough, feeling the anxiety to speak plainer and more direct eating at her. This was so bloody hard. Why? What was the other option? There wasn’t one.

“I-I was in love with a man.... for a very long time. I’ve finally given up hope that he’ll ever share those feelings, which took a lot out of me. And then, right after that, someone else wanted to take his place. I’m not ready for that, but then… all of a sudden Miss Cain is killed, and I got scared. I kept thinking… My God, she was dead for how long and no one knew? Had I not been so self-absorbed, could I have prevented it?”

Then the flood of her issues came to a stop at just one. The one that had topped off her break down to finally push her over.

“I have dreams of the murder. Less frequent now, but they feel so bloody real. I’ve never seen someone that dead before. So alone…and abandoned. Miss Cain…. She didn’t deserve that…. she… she didn’t deserve to rot.” Tonks whimpered faintly while her voice cracked. Talking about it was making it all resurface, which is why Tonks avoided talking about the death in the first place.

Miss Cain had been a strong and independent woman, who had guided Tonks’ ambition over some pretty tough obstacles. She had been brutally murdered, and then left all alone dead as she had been alive. She lived alone, traveled all over from place to place, all because she chose to. Much like Tonks who didn’t keep a permanent residence, and who preferred to live alone. She could see herself like Miss Cain- a future life- that ended horrifically. But that was only part of the pain. The other was dealing out guilt and anger.

[deirdre_ivy]

Finally, the various threads of vague 'unconfessions' had begun to weave themselves into a cogent whole. Tonks had finally given sufficient context for Deirdre to begin filling in the blanks on the matter of what had really set all of this moving.

Strangely enough, for one who seemed so reluctant, Auror Tonks was rather forthcoming. Of course, therapy was not often a fight between patient and therapist over repressed details, but it seldom became this deep with this degree of rapidity. Burke was silent for a time; Tonks' face was an obvious indicator that the individual on the couch was still sorting through the recent revelations for herself. After an appropriate pause, however, Deirdre spoke. As difficult as this was for the patient, stopping now would only encourage reticence.

It was not Burke's job to 'figure things out' for her patients. Indeed, that was one of the many misconceptions about therapy: that it was the coward's way out, in which one paid another to deal with one's own psychological difficulties. On the contrary, a therapist merely provided the means by which one could understand oneself, and the tools with which one could combat future challenges.

All of that considered, Deirdre could not help but blatantly state her first point. It was too essential to be missed.

"First, you must understand this: you could not have prevented Ms. Caine's death. Even if she had not elected to be alone--of her own volition, recall--, it is likely that you would have been harmed had you been by her side. Survivor's guilt, Tonks, is hardly something you deserve."

The sound of Burke's voice halted. When it began again, it was uncharacteristically soft.

"There are several theories about dreams; in my experience, they indicate what has preoccupied us of late. Recurring dreams point to a problem our brain is as yet unable to resolve. An experience that has deeply affected us often demands to be dealt with: dreams of this nature are your mind's method of getting your undivided attention."

There was another pause. If there was one environment in which Burke could be supportive and caring, it was this.
"You...discovered Ms. Cain, correct? Why do you think you feel a responsibility for her death? You do feel responsible, don't you? Please, stop me if I say something incorrect."

[nymphadorauror]

Her fingers hurt. Her knuckles too, now that she thought about it.

Tonks was pulled out of a wreckage of thoughts when Ms. Burke spoke, making Tonks lift her head and focus, once more, on things of real value and not sporadic thoughts and memories. That’s when she noticed her fingers ached, and she forced herself to stop squeezing her hands into tight fists and relax.

Ms. Burke had demanded the new focus with her voice. It was firm, but not aggressive as it strongly requested Tonks to listen. It was good enforcement that kept her mind at bay; even as the words provoked some thoughts, Ms. Burke’s voice was at least telling Tonks ‘I am here too, you are not alone.’

Tonks listened to what Ms. Burke said, and put forth extreme effort to take her words with an open mind, considering them as each topic was addressed. The pauses the woman took gave Tonks time to focus her thoughts into collaborations with Ms. Burke’s points and comments. It was a jagged conquest, but it did end well enough when Tonks was expected to answer a few questions.

“Well…. It’s not so much a hurt because I think I could have stopped Fenrir from killing her. I mean, they don’t have werewolf combat training here, or anything like that. I don’t rightly know if I could have done anything at all.” Tonks said as she tilted and lowered her head, while her shoulders rose up to pose a shrug.

“I-I did find her, yeah…. And that’s just it. That’s what hurts. I put off going to see her for days. I was having troubles-personal hoopla that was making me lose sleep…. And I put off my visit.” Now Tonks was fidgeting again, this time with the folds of her blouse, rolling them and pinching them with her fingers.

“The first owl…and no word back. Then another…and nothing. And I was so stupid not to realize then that was bad. Miss Cain would have sent me an owl back, and not just ignore me. So, for two whole weeks that woman was disrespected, mauled by infestations of vermin, all because I was caught up in utter nonsense.

“It was my fault she was left out there to rot. Mine….because I was too busy pushing someone out of my life- that wanted in- all the while not realizing I was losing someone else too.”

Tonks drew in a deep breath and held it as her mind recalled that dreaded evening, and the repercussions of her procrastination. She ran her hands up to the sides of her face, and tried to press away the sting of tears that were itching in her eyes and flushing her cheeks.

“In my dreams, she is still alive when I find her, but she looks the same as she did. And she keeps asking me why, asking me why over and over- and all I can do is what I did that time. I stare… just stare for a long time. But when I finally turn to run back to her house, as I did before, I wake up.”

[deirdre_ivy]

If Deirdre was being honest with herself, brutally so, she would have admitted that she hardly expected this session to reveal anything of psychological weight or importance. Referrals from superiors usually indicated a problem between the two individuals on the job; a personality-clash turned to a potential grudge. An authority issue.

She would have to reassess her paradigm.

"Everything is relative. Do you really think you should beat yourself up merely because you were focusing on your personal troubles? In extraordinary circumstances such as this, it is common to ask yourself 'what if?'"

"However. This was not your fault. Your personal difficulties might seem selfish, but when taken out of the context of tragic circumstances, they are perfectly normal."

She attempted to be soft. Deirdre, as was required of all psychiatric students, had been through this experience several times in Tonks' position. This, perhaps, accounted for her uncanny ability for kindness within a therapeutic situation. She could recall, as if it were yesterday, the pressure of water behind her eyes and the torturous squirming of her insides as she tried desperately to defend herself against a finger pointing and declaring discovered insanity. Deirdre remembered the brutal fear that there was something wrong with her; she would rather hide everything true about herself than discover as much.

In this way, Nymphadora Tonks was a stronger woman than Deirdre Burke. She was fully willing to push through the grief, guilt, and shame to healing. There were those that preferred to bury.

"Do you think this dream might be giving voice to this guilt? Perhaps you are questioning yourself through the image of Miss Cain."