(no subject)
ok so lately everything had been going a little TOO perfect. and i was just waiting for the crap to hit the fan so to speak. and boy, did it. well i always work wednsdays. so wed i show up for work. and then hannah, the other hostess walks in. (ironically, i happen to be telling amy right at that moment about how my whole pretty soon the crap is gonna hit the fan.) im like, "you're working?" so i check the schedule. not only is she working today, but tomorrow, my other regular day. and my name is not on the schedule for the rest of the week and the name "robin" is. who is this robin character?! i start asking around, dude, am i getting fired? because last week, my name had only been on the schedule once. but i talked to cromwell, the nice boss, and he fixed it. his brother clyde, the mean boss, is the one who does scheduling. so whatever rotten scheme is afoot, its all clyde's doing. so all my co-workers proceed to tell me about how this is very typical for them, they have no balls to confront employees so they just try and phase you out to the point where you get frustrated and quit. they dont have to pay unpemployment, or ever own up to the fact that they're cliquish and finicky and only like certain people and actually take it so far as to FIRE them over it. (cromwell is the exact same way, but i just happen to be in his good graces which is the only reason i refer to him as the good boss)
so everyone is all up in arms for me, and i go over to talk to cromwell. he says he knows nothing about anything, he didnt hire any new girl and new nothing about her. he loved me, and didnt want me to go. he says im to come in on friday when i pick up my paycheck and talk to clyde. it just makes me SO mad because it could easily just be a "mistake" but buisnesses dont just MAKE those kind of mistakes. you dont just hire an extra employee you DONT need and not schedule another. if they say its a mistake, its bull. but i did absolutely NOTHING wrong, which leads me to the rational conclusion that it would have to be a mistake. im a good hostess, i get along with the servers, the customers like me, cromwell likes me, im a good worker, i never just stand around i always do my best to find something to do, even if its not my job. i help, and im motivated. yah, im little scatterbrained and i occasionally forget who's turn it is but EVERYONE makes a few mistakes every night. im allowed to make mine too. certainly nothing worth firing me over. which leads me to the conclusion that i am just that offensive, not what i do, but who i am. that makes me feel like crap, like im a faulty human being.
so when i went home david totally made me feel a hundred times better. he cuddled me and reminded me of all my good points, and told me he'd do anything i wanted to make 'em pay for doing anything illegal to me and gave lots of suggestions that made me laugh. then we rented shrek 2. it was so fun, and totally took my mind off everything. then i go hang out over at bobby and jons with everyone which i was really looking forward to because me and brooke just made really good friends the other day and im just starting to get used to the new guy nate that lives with them now and i was just really happy, and i had a nice night despite i was a little moody from the rough day. then on the way home, brandon texts me some really hurtful accusations about some stuff. so i called him and we had this big huge 3 hour talk. and wow... it just really sucked and made me sad. well at first i felt like we had fixed things, but after i hung up i just started letting things get to me and feeling crappy. i had tried to do something good, but it just blew up in my face and everyone is talking crap about me and psycho-analyzing what i do and taking grains of truth and totally warping them into something their not. granted, alot of the core stuff of what he said was right having to do with my personality flaws and bad habits, but it really, really hurt me the way he put it. it made me feel like, dude, why are we even friends if you feel this way about me? its like he has all this built up resentment towards me and thinks im out to ruin his life or something. and he thinks I'M the one with the problem?! i guess it just hurt me so much because i genuinely love him as a person and i thought we had passed up whatever stupid drama we might've had but it is obvious that we didnt. he is never gonna be able to have a normal relationship with me, and worse yet it felt like he didnt even care to. im always gonna do something wrong, because its always going to be easy to misread. it just made me not ever wanna go hang out with any of them ever again. which makes me even more sad because when david's out doing his own thing, they're my only people i can just go casually hang out with. not to in any way incinuate that i dont have other friends, because i have an awesome group of friends, but they have their own lives and schedules and requite notice in advance when we're going to hang out, you know? i couldnt just drop in. and thats ok, because friendships are worth the effort. but i like having that circle of people i can always just drop in on cause they'll always be there and now i feel like i dont have that. and it sucks. and i feel like this horrible, flawed person that does everything wrong and doesnt understand WHY its wrong and doesnt know how to stop.
david made me feel alot better this morning pointing out that at the center of the issue i HAD done something out of line, and although he may have taken it overboard, i need to remember that. but its ok, because everyone makes mistakes, and i need to learn from it and move on. he said nothing i could ever do would make him love me any less, and a real friend would feel the same. and he's totally right. and i know my friends are my friends despite my personality flaws, otherwise they still wouldnt be hanging out with me or confiding in me. i know im probably just being overly senstive and overeacting, but i cant help it! it was just the worst night ever to get such criticism from all sides. poo on everything. and its my birthday on sunday too :(
this afternoon david called me just to tell me he loved me, and hoped i was having a nice day.
it made my heart hurt i was so happy <3 then kim called and reminded me about the double date we had set up a couple weekends ago but had to cancel so we planned to do it this weekend. after the movie her and her boyfriend and david are taking me out to dinner cause its my birthday! :) i feel kinda bad cause ashly invited me out with her and mandie, but technically i made plans with kim first. i guess in the scheme of things it doesnt really matter, though. its not like we cant hang out another time. i really am thankful for all that i have, i have great friends, a person i want to spend the rest of my life with who i love more than anything and who loves me back the same way, a great family, and i am very blessed. i just need to pull myself outta the dumps and focus on the good things!
"The future is an infinite sucession of presents, and to live NOW the way we think human beings should live, in defiance of the bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory."
so everyone is all up in arms for me, and i go over to talk to cromwell. he says he knows nothing about anything, he didnt hire any new girl and new nothing about her. he loved me, and didnt want me to go. he says im to come in on friday when i pick up my paycheck and talk to clyde. it just makes me SO mad because it could easily just be a "mistake" but buisnesses dont just MAKE those kind of mistakes. you dont just hire an extra employee you DONT need and not schedule another. if they say its a mistake, its bull. but i did absolutely NOTHING wrong, which leads me to the rational conclusion that it would have to be a mistake. im a good hostess, i get along with the servers, the customers like me, cromwell likes me, im a good worker, i never just stand around i always do my best to find something to do, even if its not my job. i help, and im motivated. yah, im little scatterbrained and i occasionally forget who's turn it is but EVERYONE makes a few mistakes every night. im allowed to make mine too. certainly nothing worth firing me over. which leads me to the conclusion that i am just that offensive, not what i do, but who i am. that makes me feel like crap, like im a faulty human being.
so when i went home david totally made me feel a hundred times better. he cuddled me and reminded me of all my good points, and told me he'd do anything i wanted to make 'em pay for doing anything illegal to me and gave lots of suggestions that made me laugh. then we rented shrek 2. it was so fun, and totally took my mind off everything. then i go hang out over at bobby and jons with everyone which i was really looking forward to because me and brooke just made really good friends the other day and im just starting to get used to the new guy nate that lives with them now and i was just really happy, and i had a nice night despite i was a little moody from the rough day. then on the way home, brandon texts me some really hurtful accusations about some stuff. so i called him and we had this big huge 3 hour talk. and wow... it just really sucked and made me sad. well at first i felt like we had fixed things, but after i hung up i just started letting things get to me and feeling crappy. i had tried to do something good, but it just blew up in my face and everyone is talking crap about me and psycho-analyzing what i do and taking grains of truth and totally warping them into something their not. granted, alot of the core stuff of what he said was right having to do with my personality flaws and bad habits, but it really, really hurt me the way he put it. it made me feel like, dude, why are we even friends if you feel this way about me? its like he has all this built up resentment towards me and thinks im out to ruin his life or something. and he thinks I'M the one with the problem?! i guess it just hurt me so much because i genuinely love him as a person and i thought we had passed up whatever stupid drama we might've had but it is obvious that we didnt. he is never gonna be able to have a normal relationship with me, and worse yet it felt like he didnt even care to. im always gonna do something wrong, because its always going to be easy to misread. it just made me not ever wanna go hang out with any of them ever again. which makes me even more sad because when david's out doing his own thing, they're my only people i can just go casually hang out with. not to in any way incinuate that i dont have other friends, because i have an awesome group of friends, but they have their own lives and schedules and requite notice in advance when we're going to hang out, you know? i couldnt just drop in. and thats ok, because friendships are worth the effort. but i like having that circle of people i can always just drop in on cause they'll always be there and now i feel like i dont have that. and it sucks. and i feel like this horrible, flawed person that does everything wrong and doesnt understand WHY its wrong and doesnt know how to stop.
david made me feel alot better this morning pointing out that at the center of the issue i HAD done something out of line, and although he may have taken it overboard, i need to remember that. but its ok, because everyone makes mistakes, and i need to learn from it and move on. he said nothing i could ever do would make him love me any less, and a real friend would feel the same. and he's totally right. and i know my friends are my friends despite my personality flaws, otherwise they still wouldnt be hanging out with me or confiding in me. i know im probably just being overly senstive and overeacting, but i cant help it! it was just the worst night ever to get such criticism from all sides. poo on everything. and its my birthday on sunday too :(
this afternoon david called me just to tell me he loved me, and hoped i was having a nice day.
it made my heart hurt i was so happy <3 then kim called and reminded me about the double date we had set up a couple weekends ago but had to cancel so we planned to do it this weekend. after the movie her and her boyfriend and david are taking me out to dinner cause its my birthday! :) i feel kinda bad cause ashly invited me out with her and mandie, but technically i made plans with kim first. i guess in the scheme of things it doesnt really matter, though. its not like we cant hang out another time. i really am thankful for all that i have, i have great friends, a person i want to spend the rest of my life with who i love more than anything and who loves me back the same way, a great family, and i am very blessed. i just need to pull myself outta the dumps and focus on the good things!
"The future is an infinite sucession of presents, and to live NOW the way we think human beings should live, in defiance of the bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory."