Jan 31, 2007 13:06
I have been slacking, and I need to stop. I have a problem with letting my personal life effect my school work.
So anyway, Valentine's Day is approaching. I was asked out by Fletcher, who I could definitly have fun with, but for some reason spending that day with him seemed too committed so I immediately said I had plans with some single gals. Now, not only do I not have girl friends, I do not have single girl friends, so I need to find some in the next few weeks. I never placed much importance on Valentine's Day anyway, so I'm not depressed, I'm more just frantically trying to find something to do. I would like to go on a date though, just because going on a date with a random guy seems cute and exciting. Mostly I just want to be asked on a date for any day, but guys don't do that anymore. Lammmmmeeee.
I stupidly decided Dan and I could have sex one last time. It was awful and awkward and torture to get through, but at least now I realize that I don't have sexual feelings for Dan anymore, which I think will help the transition to being just friends with him. I don't think it helped him at all. he thought it would be good to "get it out of his system" because he was obsessed with the idea of having sex one last time. Afterwards we just sort of sat around. I begged him not to touch me. he realized I was upset, but thought it was because I missed being with him so much, when really I was crying over the realization that I didn't want to be with him like that ever again. Plus, I felt a bit cheap and used because normally I wouldnt try to have sex without some sort of understanding of the feelings involved. Obviously, I had no feelings, and he still does. While I was getting dressed, it was like a bad movie. I couldn't show any sort of emotion in my face. I was basically numb.
It's distressing to know that it seems no matter what, Dan and I are never going to get back together. The fact that I was uncomfofrtable with him in a situation I never would have been uncomfortable in before sort of proves that, right?