Moratorium? Maybe?
So I've been reveling the glorious reappearance of free time in my life (dudes: awesome), and while on a really great vacation not at all conducive to writing, I inhaled a bunch of fic off my delicious network. And having plowed through a bunch of new and unfamiliar fandoms, there are four descriptors used in porny scenes that I have decided really, really need to be shelved, because that shit is overplayed like "Hey Ya" for about five consecutive summers. They are, in no particular order and with my purely subjective reasoning (and sometimes-sincere, sometimes-asinine suggestions):
1. impossibly, as in his eyes were impossibly blue or his thighs were spread impossibly wide, nominated because the first usage is clearly just hyperbole and the second makes my literal mind conjure up disturbing dislocation images. Try the sun lit his eyes up like sea glass or the taut splay of his thigh could have inspired whole new branches of engineering.
2. obscenely, as in he pulled off with an obscene slurping sound, nominated because it's not evocative enough to make up for the fact that it's lazy. Try he pulled off with a sound that was illegal in seven counties or she'd never heard that particular noise outside of a hentai dub audition.
3. the best [____] ever, as in even with [adverse circumstance], it was the best [erotic act] he'd ever had, because in my experience and as someone pointed out recently (if this was you, speak up so I can credit you!), when you're getting spectacularly kissed/blown/laid/whatevered, the last thing you are doing is ranking the experience by the numbers. (Unless everyone of your previous acquaintance has done whatever it is really poorly, in which case this usage is valid.) Also, for me at least, it makes the eroticism sound like it's less due to the quality of the connection between the characters and more due to the Magic Hoo-hoo or Heroic Wang (tm Smart Bitches). Instead, describe what it is that makes that particular [erotic act] so awesome. (That way, we can take notes on things to try later.)
4. sucking his brains out of his cock, as in sucking his brains out of his cock, because like I said before, I have a literal mind, and therefore, yeeeeech. Melty brains, especially melty brains being drawn forcibly out through orificies, is an image that grosses me out. Unless you are writing about historical Egyptian mummification or zombies, please do not melt the brains of your protagonists, I do not care what you do instead.
I realize this post sound uppity in a way I generally try to avoid, and guys, I don't mean it to. I've used at least two of these four devices, because at one point, I read them and they struck me as really evocative and effective (except for the melty brains, because ew). Part of writing in a community like this is that we all borrow the best shiny toys from each other. I love that about fandom 98% of the time, but the other 2% it leads us to repeat certain phrases and metaphors over and over until they lose all potency and become signposts. They're the Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" of fanfic: when a TV show or movie really wants you to tear up and isn't totally sure the script/directing/acting will manage it, they slap that song on the soundtrack. It's shorthand for "you: cry now." There's a gazillion awesome writers around here in fandom, and about every good story I read has at least one sentence that knocks my socks off. I just think we can make the signal-to-noise ratio (or maybe more aptly, the signal-to-advertising-jingle ratio) a little higher, you know?
1. impossibly, as in his eyes were impossibly blue or his thighs were spread impossibly wide, nominated because the first usage is clearly just hyperbole and the second makes my literal mind conjure up disturbing dislocation images. Try the sun lit his eyes up like sea glass or the taut splay of his thigh could have inspired whole new branches of engineering.
2. obscenely, as in he pulled off with an obscene slurping sound, nominated because it's not evocative enough to make up for the fact that it's lazy. Try he pulled off with a sound that was illegal in seven counties or she'd never heard that particular noise outside of a hentai dub audition.
3. the best [____] ever, as in even with [adverse circumstance], it was the best [erotic act] he'd ever had, because in my experience and as someone pointed out recently (if this was you, speak up so I can credit you!), when you're getting spectacularly kissed/blown/laid/whatevered, the last thing you are doing is ranking the experience by the numbers. (Unless everyone of your previous acquaintance has done whatever it is really poorly, in which case this usage is valid.) Also, for me at least, it makes the eroticism sound like it's less due to the quality of the connection between the characters and more due to the Magic Hoo-hoo or Heroic Wang (tm Smart Bitches). Instead, describe what it is that makes that particular [erotic act] so awesome. (That way, we can take notes on things to try later.)
4. sucking his brains out of his cock, as in sucking his brains out of his cock, because like I said before, I have a literal mind, and therefore, yeeeeech. Melty brains, especially melty brains being drawn forcibly out through orificies, is an image that grosses me out. Unless you are writing about historical Egyptian mummification or zombies, please do not melt the brains of your protagonists, I do not care what you do instead.
I realize this post sound uppity in a way I generally try to avoid, and guys, I don't mean it to. I've used at least two of these four devices, because at one point, I read them and they struck me as really evocative and effective (except for the melty brains, because ew). Part of writing in a community like this is that we all borrow the best shiny toys from each other. I love that about fandom 98% of the time, but the other 2% it leads us to repeat certain phrases and metaphors over and over until they lose all potency and become signposts. They're the Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" of fanfic: when a TV show or movie really wants you to tear up and isn't totally sure the script/directing/acting will manage it, they slap that song on the soundtrack. It's shorthand for "you: cry now." There's a gazillion awesome writers around here in fandom, and about every good story I read has at least one sentence that knocks my socks off. I just think we can make the signal-to-noise ratio (or maybe more aptly, the signal-to-advertising-jingle ratio) a little higher, you know?