We Have to See, We Have to Know
I've been thinking about people. Probably due to the recent dust-ups in blogdonia, coupled with Last.fm prompting me with a song peppered with the sample referred to in the title.
And it got me thinking. A lot of the anti-SM people I've run into seem to be similar in a way. Actually it's more than anti-SM. Anti-violent video games, anti-violent (or, in their view, *ist) art, anti-porn, anti- a lot of things. I've noticed that such people tend to have very visceral negative responses to the very idea of these things. A post on BDSM from one of them said something like "and I just thought it was so awful that they were bragging about their bruises!"
The whole idea that people would be attracted to such things, that people would poke and prod the beasties within themselves or others just to see what happens, that people would intentionally crack open the door to the dark side even a little*, just seems to be off this sort of person's map entirely.
While a lot of them say of us that we're "individualist" or "libertarian" (maybe they're thinking "libertine?" ;) ), I don't think it really is centrally about their sacrificing pleasure for the greater good. In a lot of cases, I suspect they're not even sure what the temptation is in the first place. I think the whole idea is foreign to them.
I'm not saying this to put them down, just to note that... they're there, and that's my impression of how some of them think. I'm less interested in analyzing them than I am in asking about the rest of us.
Listening to that sample of Channard saying, "We have to see. We have to know," got me wondering. What is it about some of us that makes us compelled to look at all of life and all of ourselves, to explore experiences or ideas that most people would turn from in disgust?
For me, it's about desire for knowledge, just like the quote says. I want to understand everything and know about everything, even if others deem the knowledge or the understanding inherently corrupting. If I find myself with a dark thought or desire, I have to explore it and understand it, see how it fits into everything. That's not to say indulge it, necessarily -- I think about plenty of things that are impossible, and plenty of things that are just plain nasty. But if it is something I can actually experience, or adapt into a manageable experience, I don't really feel things pulling me away from doing so.
I used to fear that giving in to the need to know would prove corrupting, which is why I went to some amazing lengths as an adolescent to avoid the temptation to do BDSM. Then I realized that there are people who need to know and people who... don't, and the people who do already look corrupted to the other half. They don't understand why we'd look into the abyss in the first place, much less why we'd dive and let the inky black swallow us.
And that gets me wondering: why is it that some of us are tempted? I've used poetic analogies, whether mine or others', for it before: kissed by the dark Goddess, called by Midian, dancing with the Maenads, etc. But that's how we talk about it, not why we are it. And I'm wondering: why are we? I could say it's from trauma, and maybe that does have something to do with it. But I don't think it's the whole story.
I remember seeing, as a kid, an article an art installation, made by a lesbian feminist who intended to critique the concept of heteronormative romance. Her sculpture was, as I remember, a sculpture of a vivisected woman, viscera exposed, lying down. Around her, silver platters with words of love. As an adult, I realize the point was likely about how romance harms women.
As that child leafing through pages, I thought it was beautiful. I thought it was a paean to the frenzy and force of desire and need. I thought it was romantic and terrible.
And there's an element of that to my SM, too. Wanting to see people, stripped violently of their protections, their walls. It's not an accident that my fantasies involve sexual penetration and open wounds in about equal measure.
Where does that curiosity come from? I wonder...
*(heh, this is making me think of a lyric from CoF now: "Behold the bold inauguration of the dark side," said after the character the album is about summons a demon)
And it got me thinking. A lot of the anti-SM people I've run into seem to be similar in a way. Actually it's more than anti-SM. Anti-violent video games, anti-violent (or, in their view, *ist) art, anti-porn, anti- a lot of things. I've noticed that such people tend to have very visceral negative responses to the very idea of these things. A post on BDSM from one of them said something like "and I just thought it was so awful that they were bragging about their bruises!"
The whole idea that people would be attracted to such things, that people would poke and prod the beasties within themselves or others just to see what happens, that people would intentionally crack open the door to the dark side even a little*, just seems to be off this sort of person's map entirely.
While a lot of them say of us that we're "individualist" or "libertarian" (maybe they're thinking "libertine?" ;) ), I don't think it really is centrally about their sacrificing pleasure for the greater good. In a lot of cases, I suspect they're not even sure what the temptation is in the first place. I think the whole idea is foreign to them.
I'm not saying this to put them down, just to note that... they're there, and that's my impression of how some of them think. I'm less interested in analyzing them than I am in asking about the rest of us.
Listening to that sample of Channard saying, "We have to see. We have to know," got me wondering. What is it about some of us that makes us compelled to look at all of life and all of ourselves, to explore experiences or ideas that most people would turn from in disgust?
For me, it's about desire for knowledge, just like the quote says. I want to understand everything and know about everything, even if others deem the knowledge or the understanding inherently corrupting. If I find myself with a dark thought or desire, I have to explore it and understand it, see how it fits into everything. That's not to say indulge it, necessarily -- I think about plenty of things that are impossible, and plenty of things that are just plain nasty. But if it is something I can actually experience, or adapt into a manageable experience, I don't really feel things pulling me away from doing so.
I used to fear that giving in to the need to know would prove corrupting, which is why I went to some amazing lengths as an adolescent to avoid the temptation to do BDSM. Then I realized that there are people who need to know and people who... don't, and the people who do already look corrupted to the other half. They don't understand why we'd look into the abyss in the first place, much less why we'd dive and let the inky black swallow us.
And that gets me wondering: why is it that some of us are tempted? I've used poetic analogies, whether mine or others', for it before: kissed by the dark Goddess, called by Midian, dancing with the Maenads, etc. But that's how we talk about it, not why we are it. And I'm wondering: why are we? I could say it's from trauma, and maybe that does have something to do with it. But I don't think it's the whole story.
I remember seeing, as a kid, an article an art installation, made by a lesbian feminist who intended to critique the concept of heteronormative romance. Her sculpture was, as I remember, a sculpture of a vivisected woman, viscera exposed, lying down. Around her, silver platters with words of love. As an adult, I realize the point was likely about how romance harms women.
As that child leafing through pages, I thought it was beautiful. I thought it was a paean to the frenzy and force of desire and need. I thought it was romantic and terrible.
And there's an element of that to my SM, too. Wanting to see people, stripped violently of their protections, their walls. It's not an accident that my fantasies involve sexual penetration and open wounds in about equal measure.
Where does that curiosity come from? I wonder...
*(heh, this is making me think of a lyric from CoF now: "Behold the bold inauguration of the dark side," said after the character the album is about summons a demon)