The word "leader"
There's a discussion (inspired by Star Trek) going on right now in living_d_s about what makes a leader. Basically, the person was saying "Kirk has bravado and a certain kind of courage, but he'd make a terribly bad dominant partner in D/s!"
Which got us all thinking about what exactly dominance is, what leadership is, what "an alpha" is, etc. This was my contribution, which I think gets to part of what I was so confused about when wondering, years ago, if I was a Twue Dominant or not (Dominance... is what bwingz us togevvew today... hehehe):
The thing is that I'm not so sure Kirk isn't a leader, but I'm fairly sure he'd not make the best partner in a D/s relationship. I think people have a tendency to decide that dominant folks in the BDSM sense are "natural leaders" and that's never made sense to me.
A leader can be any number of things: an effective military commander, a gifted teacher, a loving parent, a charismatic inciter of protests (hell, if all we're looking at is "can get people to follow her", a charismatic inciter of RIOTS works too), a disciplined trainer, a manager skilled at organizing and delegating tasks, a person who sticks to her principles and in so doing inspires others, a role model, a person with "command presence," a person skilled at winning in direct confrontations, or any number of other things I haven't thought to list yet.
Hell, people fairly often use the word "leader" to talk about something that has very little to do with relationships with other people at all. Someone who does her own thing, who has little use for what other people do, is sometimes called a "leader" simply by comparison to others who people call "followers" because they're more inclined to go with peer pressure or trends.
All those things can be part of someone's D/s or not, depending on what people are looking for. So usually when someone says that a dominant, dominants in general, or their dominant is "a born leader" I've no idea what is meant. I'm usually suspicious because people are often just bragging, but even when they aren't and clearly have some deep and heartfelt reason to say someone they know/love is a "leader", they usually don't give nearly enough information about why they feel this way.
There are several things on that list that I aspire to be (a gifted teacher, though I'm no longer teaching classes specifically; someone who sticks to her principles; someone whose nobler moments are the kind of thing others remember and admire) and several on that list I couldn't be less interested in (a disciplined trainer; a skilled manager; a military-like commander.) If the right set of those is applied to me, and I am (Goddess willing!) effective at them, I come out as dominant; if the wrong set is, I don't.
And therein, I think, lay the mismatch that led me to think I couldn't do D/s effectively. ("Shit, I couldn't Manager my hall closet!") I think people really do need to talk about these different ways to lead and what they mean.
If/when I get back to MAsT regularly, I'll suggest it as a discussion topic. Yay!
Which got us all thinking about what exactly dominance is, what leadership is, what "an alpha" is, etc. This was my contribution, which I think gets to part of what I was so confused about when wondering, years ago, if I was a Twue Dominant or not (Dominance... is what bwingz us togevvew today... hehehe):
The thing is that I'm not so sure Kirk isn't a leader, but I'm fairly sure he'd not make the best partner in a D/s relationship. I think people have a tendency to decide that dominant folks in the BDSM sense are "natural leaders" and that's never made sense to me.
A leader can be any number of things: an effective military commander, a gifted teacher, a loving parent, a charismatic inciter of protests (hell, if all we're looking at is "can get people to follow her", a charismatic inciter of RIOTS works too), a disciplined trainer, a manager skilled at organizing and delegating tasks, a person who sticks to her principles and in so doing inspires others, a role model, a person with "command presence," a person skilled at winning in direct confrontations, or any number of other things I haven't thought to list yet.
Hell, people fairly often use the word "leader" to talk about something that has very little to do with relationships with other people at all. Someone who does her own thing, who has little use for what other people do, is sometimes called a "leader" simply by comparison to others who people call "followers" because they're more inclined to go with peer pressure or trends.
All those things can be part of someone's D/s or not, depending on what people are looking for. So usually when someone says that a dominant, dominants in general, or their dominant is "a born leader" I've no idea what is meant. I'm usually suspicious because people are often just bragging, but even when they aren't and clearly have some deep and heartfelt reason to say someone they know/love is a "leader", they usually don't give nearly enough information about why they feel this way.
There are several things on that list that I aspire to be (a gifted teacher, though I'm no longer teaching classes specifically; someone who sticks to her principles; someone whose nobler moments are the kind of thing others remember and admire) and several on that list I couldn't be less interested in (a disciplined trainer; a skilled manager; a military-like commander.) If the right set of those is applied to me, and I am (Goddess willing!) effective at them, I come out as dominant; if the wrong set is, I don't.
And therein, I think, lay the mismatch that led me to think I couldn't do D/s effectively. ("Shit, I couldn't Manager my hall closet!") I think people really do need to talk about these different ways to lead and what they mean.
If/when I get back to MAsT regularly, I'll suggest it as a discussion topic. Yay!