Open up my head and let me out!!!
So many feelings in my head.
I broke the rule of bringing the computer with me to bed.
My jaw clenching is working over time (if anyone has a remedy for this can they pls comment!)
I am a wreck right now. I think I have just officially decided. I held it together for the phone conversation. Which is what my duty as an understanding and compassionate boyfriend is. But I added a Lorazepam to tonight's cocktail, I feel it may be one of those nights.
I've noticed one of my most successful coping mechanisms lately is to seclude myself when feeling like this. Is this a good idea? Me feels like maybe yes maybe no. Its not that I am overwhelmed, I find that managing any kind of stress in the last 6 months has thrown me up and down. I hate this disorder.
Right now I am trying so so so so so so so hard to guard my heart. What's left of my women's intuition tells me that I should encase it in steel for the next year lest it gets pummeled as it has in the past. Careful now, easy does it. I don't want to not take the chance on this one, because I do love her very very very much....but the idea of this scenario right now, MAKES ME WANT TO BARF, THEN SCREAM, THE BAWL MY EYES OUT, THEN GOUGE SOMEONE ELSE'S EYES OUT WHILE I KNEE HIM IN THE GROIN!!!!!!! (exhales).
People think that i am making a poor decision in my life right now. I know they do, they've told me vocally and in subtle little cues. I guess what I am asking for is support regardless of the stupidity of my decision. Support my need to possibly make a mistake and learn from it, or to take the risk and have it pay off. Either way I come out a winner in the end, either smarter for having taken the chance and lost, or holding the prize at the end. "I told you sos" and shit like that doesn't help me. Hold my hand, be there for me when things don't go quite as I had imagined.
What's the song of the summer going to be?
I can't wait to stand on the gravel with his arms wrapped around me, in the familiar embrace that says "welcome home kid, welcome home."
I broke the rule of bringing the computer with me to bed.
My jaw clenching is working over time (if anyone has a remedy for this can they pls comment!)
I am a wreck right now. I think I have just officially decided. I held it together for the phone conversation. Which is what my duty as an understanding and compassionate boyfriend is. But I added a Lorazepam to tonight's cocktail, I feel it may be one of those nights.
I've noticed one of my most successful coping mechanisms lately is to seclude myself when feeling like this. Is this a good idea? Me feels like maybe yes maybe no. Its not that I am overwhelmed, I find that managing any kind of stress in the last 6 months has thrown me up and down. I hate this disorder.
Right now I am trying so so so so so so so hard to guard my heart. What's left of my women's intuition tells me that I should encase it in steel for the next year lest it gets pummeled as it has in the past. Careful now, easy does it. I don't want to not take the chance on this one, because I do love her very very very much....but the idea of this scenario right now, MAKES ME WANT TO BARF, THEN SCREAM, THE BAWL MY EYES OUT, THEN GOUGE SOMEONE ELSE'S EYES OUT WHILE I KNEE HIM IN THE GROIN!!!!!!! (exhales).
People think that i am making a poor decision in my life right now. I know they do, they've told me vocally and in subtle little cues. I guess what I am asking for is support regardless of the stupidity of my decision. Support my need to possibly make a mistake and learn from it, or to take the risk and have it pay off. Either way I come out a winner in the end, either smarter for having taken the chance and lost, or holding the prize at the end. "I told you sos" and shit like that doesn't help me. Hold my hand, be there for me when things don't go quite as I had imagined.
What's the song of the summer going to be?
I can't wait to stand on the gravel with his arms wrapped around me, in the familiar embrace that says "welcome home kid, welcome home."