I just exploded...debris everywhere
I've been avoiding writing in my LJ because I usually only write in it when I'm feeling extreme...you know, either very sad or very happy and I think it tends to give people a skewed version of reality reading just the extremes. Well, right about now, I am feeling pretty lousy (God, I can't even say that w/o thinking of WSS), so here I am. Plop.
If you are reading this, you're probably one of my close friends, so hopefully you know me a little better than most and will understand it is what it is. Sometimes I just need to get a few things out, like a good scream.
It's funny, vacation and last weekend was really nice, especially last Sunday night - the best late night conversation ever, but, in general, I've been feeling very much on the outside of things and out of the loop lately. Heh, I guess maybe i've never really been "in" the loop, persay. Maybe just a little forgotten about. Maybe just lonely. Who knows. The prom situation certainly hasn't helped things You know, I know a lot of guys, most I consider good friends. Hell, most of my friends are guys, period. Yet, not one asked me to go to the prom, even as a friend, just to hang out and have fun with. Didn't even bring up the possibility. Actually it seems like the subject has been avoided completely. I don't know why I thought this would be any different from any other time. Maybe they just think of me as another guy, a buddy .... I don't know. I don't have a clue. Either that or, well, I don't want to go into the other possibilities. Most times, I think they just don't think of me at all. And yeah, it hurts. Sometimes I think people don't think of me as having feelings, like everything just bounces off. Well, it doesn't. I just deal with it in private. Just because I don't run around acting like a drama queen, doesn't mean it hurts any less.
I don't know what people think of me anymore. I certainly don't know what guys think of me, or if they even do. I feel pretty invisible. I've only ever been told the negative things they think about me the past couple years......from other girls....yeah, there's a real confidence builder. I don't know what to believe anymore. You know, someone will tell me something and sometimes it's so bad that I find it hard to believe, especially when all I've ever done is try to be nice and they've been nice to me in person. Eh, I've been lied to enough times by both sexes, that it's left me very untrusting. Of anyone.
And just so you know, when I invite people over here, it's not because I'm desperate for company or I'm bored. Yes, I enjoy my friends, but I enjoy alone time too. But I know, especially this time of year, senior year, everyone's strapped for cash, so I always offer my house, figuring it's a good place to crash, there are things to do and
it's free and I think we always end up having a good time.
And I know what you're thinking....why don't you just ask someone to prom. Yeah, well, I did. I asked someone that I wanted to go with. Then I asked 4 more friends,(from other schools/areas) just to go as friends, that I thought I'd have fun with and they all have prior committments.....plays, going out of town and whatnot, blah, blah, blah....what are the odds. This really sucks. It's not supposed to be this hard.
It seems like everyone I know either has someone special or has had someone at some point in their lives that they've gone out with or at least wanted to go out with them. I've never even heard a rumor of the possibility of someone liking me that I was interested in.
What is so wrong with me?
Just once,...once, I'd like to be that girl ....."her". You know, the "her" that someone wants, is looking forward to seeing, being with, wants to hold and kiss, cuddle with, spend time with. Someone that he looks to see is there in a crowd of people. Someone that is liked by him as much as she likes him. The her that he doesn't care what else is going on as long as they're together.
God, I hate feeling like this. Most of the time I'm OK with things and I just push it to the back of my brain, and put on a happy face. I've never been the type of girl that needs to be with a guy to be happy. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be with someone. I'm tired of being alone.
I feel like everything is passing me by and by the time I'm actually with someone they're going to think I'm a freak because everything will be a first and I do mean everything. Do you know I have never been asked out on a date, not even to a movie. Never even had someone hold my hand or put their arm around me. No matter how dressed up I've been, I've never had a guy tell me I looked pretty, not even a friend.
And I don't know if I should really be feeling this crappy or if it's my hormones. I'm going to the doctor after school tomorrow for more testing with my adrenal and pituitary glands and crap, so who knows.
Whatever you do, don't go feeling sorry for me. Just realize I was feeling crappy, I needed to moan a little and I'll be fine tomorrow..... no worries. But for now I think I'm gonna go to bed early and cuddle up with my teddy bear.
you do know what FINE means right?
FINE = F-cked up Insecure Neurotic and Emotional (just thought I'd share that little tidbit)
see, feeling better already...goodnight.
If you are reading this, you're probably one of my close friends, so hopefully you know me a little better than most and will understand it is what it is. Sometimes I just need to get a few things out, like a good scream.
It's funny, vacation and last weekend was really nice, especially last Sunday night - the best late night conversation ever, but, in general, I've been feeling very much on the outside of things and out of the loop lately. Heh, I guess maybe i've never really been "in" the loop, persay. Maybe just a little forgotten about. Maybe just lonely. Who knows. The prom situation certainly hasn't helped things You know, I know a lot of guys, most I consider good friends. Hell, most of my friends are guys, period. Yet, not one asked me to go to the prom, even as a friend, just to hang out and have fun with. Didn't even bring up the possibility. Actually it seems like the subject has been avoided completely. I don't know why I thought this would be any different from any other time. Maybe they just think of me as another guy, a buddy .... I don't know. I don't have a clue. Either that or, well, I don't want to go into the other possibilities. Most times, I think they just don't think of me at all. And yeah, it hurts. Sometimes I think people don't think of me as having feelings, like everything just bounces off. Well, it doesn't. I just deal with it in private. Just because I don't run around acting like a drama queen, doesn't mean it hurts any less.
I don't know what people think of me anymore. I certainly don't know what guys think of me, or if they even do. I feel pretty invisible. I've only ever been told the negative things they think about me the past couple years......from other girls....yeah, there's a real confidence builder. I don't know what to believe anymore. You know, someone will tell me something and sometimes it's so bad that I find it hard to believe, especially when all I've ever done is try to be nice and they've been nice to me in person. Eh, I've been lied to enough times by both sexes, that it's left me very untrusting. Of anyone.
And just so you know, when I invite people over here, it's not because I'm desperate for company or I'm bored. Yes, I enjoy my friends, but I enjoy alone time too. But I know, especially this time of year, senior year, everyone's strapped for cash, so I always offer my house, figuring it's a good place to crash, there are things to do and
it's free and I think we always end up having a good time.
And I know what you're thinking....why don't you just ask someone to prom. Yeah, well, I did. I asked someone that I wanted to go with. Then I asked 4 more friends,(from other schools/areas) just to go as friends, that I thought I'd have fun with and they all have prior committments.....plays, going out of town and whatnot, blah, blah, blah....what are the odds. This really sucks. It's not supposed to be this hard.
It seems like everyone I know either has someone special or has had someone at some point in their lives that they've gone out with or at least wanted to go out with them. I've never even heard a rumor of the possibility of someone liking me that I was interested in.
What is so wrong with me?
Just once,...once, I'd like to be that girl ....."her". You know, the "her" that someone wants, is looking forward to seeing, being with, wants to hold and kiss, cuddle with, spend time with. Someone that he looks to see is there in a crowd of people. Someone that is liked by him as much as she likes him. The her that he doesn't care what else is going on as long as they're together.
God, I hate feeling like this. Most of the time I'm OK with things and I just push it to the back of my brain, and put on a happy face. I've never been the type of girl that needs to be with a guy to be happy. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be with someone. I'm tired of being alone.
I feel like everything is passing me by and by the time I'm actually with someone they're going to think I'm a freak because everything will be a first and I do mean everything. Do you know I have never been asked out on a date, not even to a movie. Never even had someone hold my hand or put their arm around me. No matter how dressed up I've been, I've never had a guy tell me I looked pretty, not even a friend.
And I don't know if I should really be feeling this crappy or if it's my hormones. I'm going to the doctor after school tomorrow for more testing with my adrenal and pituitary glands and crap, so who knows.
Whatever you do, don't go feeling sorry for me. Just realize I was feeling crappy, I needed to moan a little and I'll be fine tomorrow..... no worries. But for now I think I'm gonna go to bed early and cuddle up with my teddy bear.
you do know what FINE means right?
FINE = F-cked up Insecure Neurotic and Emotional (just thought I'd share that little tidbit)
see, feeling better already...goodnight.