Nothing now can ever come to any good
RIP Joseph Costello
12/03/37 - 16/10/11
My granda passed away at Newcastle's Freeman hospital on Sunday.
He was in a coma from Friday morning & so I never got a chance to say goodbye or tell him how sorry I was for everything I ever did. His family were all there. My mam, uncle & me stood right beside him as the machines were switched off. We talked to him, cried without a break, kissed him & said goodbye & "I love you" as many times as we could. I held his hand & told him I would never leave him. I would always be there & he would never be alone.
I don't know how long it took for him to go, but I will never forget watching his breathing & seeing the colour disappear from his face. It was the most agonising thing I have ever witnessed & my legs were shaking constantly, but I would not leave him. I only let go of his hand to kiss him again, and then I took his hand back. I hope so much that he was able to feel my hold on him & hear how much we all loved him. We all stayed with him until the end. He was loved so deeply by each one of us, even the nurse cried for him as she had become very attached to him. I know that he liked her a lot too. She saved his life at least once, but it just wasn't enough.
Knowing that he didn't suffer as he passed away is some comfort but I want him back so much. People keep saying to me "You didn't want him to suffer, did you?". Of course I didn't. What I wanted was to have my kind, forgiving, soft, loving & sweet granda back at home, healthy & happy with me & our cats.
Nothing will ever be the same.
"Nothing now can ever come to any good".
He went into hospital 4 weeks ago today with chest pains. It was discovered that he had a heart attack & he was transferred to the Freeman for a heart bypass. Unfortunately he went downhill after the operation. His lungs weren't strong enough, his kidneys shut down & required dialysis, his heart couldn't regulate itself, & he had 8 pints of new blood transfused to him. But in the end, the drugs keeping him alive were also killing him. He fought so hard but his body just couldn't take any more. He died without pain or fear. His eyes opened & he seemed to be trying to talk, but we'll never know. All we can know for sure is that he wasn't suffering anymore & that he is at peace now. I look forward to the day when I will see him again.
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